What to do with male neighbour

That's grotesque. I read your OP think YWBU to the point where I thought you might be trolling but I can completely empathise with the situation of the man who's "not doing anything untoward" but it is their obvious motivations and persistency which make it creepy and unbearable. And then it's hard to talk to people about it because on the surface it is like "well he just wants his parcel looked after!"

What I have done a few times which feels risky and passive is look visibly exasperated when I see them approaching. I'd say this only works about 30% of the time though because for people who are willing to do something like this, they are the type of people who are unperturbed or even comfortable with people reacting like this. I honestly don't know the answer as truthfully lots of these things in my life have only stopped when I've literally moved away from the situation (moved jobs for example). But then I'm a people pleaser so hopefully you can be more assertive.

Over the years had a few neighbours like this
plain and simple there bored and lonely

skim read but don’t get the impression it’s sexually motivated

' I don't meant to be rude but I don't fancy chatting today' and turn around and get on with your stuff. Every time

There’s a reason you instinctively are afraid of him. His creepy behavior and punishments confirm your uneasy feeling. He punished you because you weren’t ‘polite’ one time.

First, do not take in the package. You said yes only because he intimidated you so you are under no obligation to take it in. If the postman catches you outside and tries to give it to you, say that your neighbor is creepy and you want nothing to do with him. The postman will start automatically observing neighbor.

Second, call police and begin a harassment report to establish pattern.

Do not say a word to him. Because nothing you say will resolve the situation, it will just encourage him to keep on, and it could escalate.

3, If he asks about the pkg, ignore. Act as if he is not even there. He will have to ask the postman, who now knows he’s creepy, about his pkg.

4, Do you have family and friends that could come over in a group while he’s at home? They will go into your garden and look at him and his house. They can walk around. He will know that you have people on your side who know about him.

I had an older creepy neighbor always trying to talk to me. One time, it was Halloween and I was decorating my porch and was about to go back inside. He was next door and called out something like, ‘looks good. Can I come trick or treat?’

I looked him in the eyeballs and said NO YOU CANNOT. He never spoke to me or bothered me again 😂

5, In your case, because you’re afraid of him, I’d suggest moving if you can because he sounds unhinged.

Said the creepy man next door.

What 'behaviour '? He's talking to her. She doesn't like it but it's not illegal what on earth would the police do ?

He sounds awful.

With regard to the package, bring it to him rather than opening the door to him. It gives you more control. If he tries to lure you in, you can say you left a pot on and have to get back or some such.

Don’t answer the door to him. Wait him out. There could be any reason for it - you’re on a work call, asleep, listening to loud music.

In the long term I would consider moving. It’s not worth the stress.

Ooooooooooh
Thanks 😊

@Deemarie11 I am gobsmacked that the % of posters saying YABU is so high. YANBU at ALL, to be freaked out/bothered/pissed off/anxious/stressed etc, about a man a generation older making every effort under the sun to try to make contact with you and talk to you and engage with you.

Sadly, many woman HAVE been conditioned to be NICE and be KIND even if that means putting ourselves in uncomfortable and awkward and unpleasant situations. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

You can bet a MAN would not be so friendly and chummy and pally if another man started chit-chatting and expecting him to engage in conversation every time he came outside! (OR if it was a woman trying to chat.) A man wouldn't do it, OR care about being polite, and engaging in conversation, if he he didn't want to. And he wouldn't be chastised by people for it for not 'being neighbourly' either. But wimmin must always be NICE and KIND!

Then again, a man very likely wouldn't START trying to engage in conversation with another man. (Not every time he saw him in the garden, deliberately going out to chat...) Some men I know - particularly 45+ have this habit of trying to be jovial and friendly with women - a LOT more than they do with other men. Even when they're with their wife sometimes.

I know a couple of men who get arsey when the women don't respond too, and just ignore them. Even going as far as saying 'miserable cow.' The entitlement of some men is utterly breathtaking, and they do NOT like women who don't kow-tow to them, and refuse to engage/don't smile/don't simper.

Just ignore the naysayers on here. You are perfectly within your rights to be narked off and stressed and upset about this. This man is not purely 'being neighbourly' because, as I said, he would not act the same towards a man. All you can do is grey rock/ignore/roll your eyes/sigh/ignore. You owe this man NOTHING. And he has no right to demand attention and conversation.

And as for taking in packages; just say NO as you don't like having responsibility for other peoples stuff. That's what I say. I NEVER take packages in for people, and don't have them taking them in for me. Indeed, I don't want them to take them in. Some people say taking in packages is 'neighbourly.' That's their opinion. In MY opinion, it can easily become a bloody nuisance, and people will start to take advantage/not bother picking packages up/blame you if something's broken etc etc etc.

Moving house may be an option, but as a pp said, what if there's another entitled sexist man (who thinks all young women should be friendly and chummy with them,) living next door again? As I say, just ignoring him is the only option really, even to the point of being hostile. Like I said before though, a MAN wouldn't give a shit about being hostile. As I said, you owe this man NOTHING.

I thank God I have DH living with me now, because when I lived alone in a flat in a big city some 3 decades ago, I got hassled constantly by men. Followed home from the bus stop, asked out (and called a cunt/slag/frigid bitch etc when I said no,) and generally badgered to fuck by men who would NOT take no for an answer.

I even took to getting a ring that looked like an engagement ring, and a band of gold, and pretending I was married. (To try and put them off.) And even THAT didn't put some men off. (Not a stealth brag, it genuinely happened, a LOT, and I reckon many women will tell the same tale.)

You have my sympathy. I hope it sorts itself out. Can't offer much advice, but I do feel for you and am on your side. The naysayers who are YABU-ing you have very likely never been constantly badgered by a misogynistic man inappropriately targeting a woman constantly, because he thinks he is allowed to because she's a woman and she should be NICE. Urgh!

So WHAT if the OP has a discrepancy in her age in different threads? I change detail sometimes. Not massively, but small-ish ones. Protects your identity a bit better,

WTF?

Relax.

you won't need to cut your tiny lawn any more or do much gardening as it's now November.

you also said your garden is tiny and you live in a terraced house.

maybe you ought to think about getting rid of the lawn for something more easy maintenance? If your house is terraced are you having to drag a lawn mower through your lounge to the front?

‘As I said, when he thought that I wasnt friendly enough in the past to him one time, he "punished" me by playing loud music all evening for the next two weeks. He is awful.’

@Deemarie11 he sounds like a pain in the arse and best cut off at the pass - “anyway must get on, can’t stand chatting, very busy” etc

however are you sure you aren’t getting a bit paranoid about him punishing you by 2 weeks of rehearsals over a perceived slight?

You are not dim (I think?), so I think you knew that people would suggest you be more upfront or very short with him. Only then you choose to say that in fact you've done that and he retaliated by playing loud music. Don't you think it would have been useful to have put that in your first post?

e.g. Neighbour bugs me, I've asked him not to, he then 'punished' me so now I'm nervous to tell him to leave me alone.

Rather than.
Neighbour bugs me, what shall I do?

Does that mean name change?

👏👏👏👏

I've found no other threads for op!

Oh god, not again ...

Say hello, then tell him you’re going on a call. AirPods in, then even if you hear him talk, just pretend you don’t hear him. If he hangs around, occasionally say something like ‘yes, I’ll get that report to you by the end of tomorrow James’ or ‘yes, I can’t wait to meet up for lunch’. He’ll soon give up and realise you’re not there to entertain him.

@Blueboy1001

Let me spell it out and ‘make boundaries clear’ - your patronising list of ‘options’ for this male’s behaviour was stating the bleeding obvious - women are not as stupid as you think they are.

Posters are angry about your assertion that it is the OP’s responsibility to make ‘clear signals’ (or whatever ridiculous phrase you used) to stop this man from harassing her.

Please educate yourself and fellow men that it is NOT women’s responsibility to stop unwanted male behaviour. Women should be able to freely live their lives painting fences, jogging, wearing lipstick, posting on MN etc. Men just need to not to be aggressive domineering pricks who think the world revolves around them. That’s all. Simple.

Now off you go and put that into practice.

@Blueboy1001
you say “A lot of older men do this and wouldn't see it as harmful as they know they've no chance and often don't consider it as flirting.”
and “it’s not harassment until he knows it’s harassment”

🤮🤮 to both

It can be harmful whether or not the man knows it’s harmful. It can be harassment whether or not the man considers it as such. It is up to men NOT to do creepy “flirty” shit unless they are SURE it’s welcomed. It is NOT women’s job to police men’s behaviour.

You sound weird.

He's just passing the time of day and saying hello, or other things that neighbours do. People with small gardens are likely to be very visible to the person next door. It would be rude of him to not say hello if he is also in his garden and vice-versa.

Just because he is male shouldn't make a bit of difference- what is 'the fear factor' about? It's not what I think when someone male speaks to me- I don't view all men are possible rapists- especially the next door neighbour- I assume they are just being neighbours- you have issues if you are nervous about him coming to collect a parcel from you when he has done nothing to suggest he's in the least bit dangerous.

Just read your update about him punishing you with loud music. You shouldn’t now need to do anything to your front garden so fairly easy to avoid. But also, even if you agree to take in his parcel, don’t. Just ignore the doorbell.