What to do with male neighbour

I would put headphones on and just pat my ear and give a rueful smile EVERY time! Hopefully he will soon get the message that you have no intention of entertaining him.

OP I read your updates 🙁 it does seem like you’ve got a teenager trapped in a middle aged man’s body living next door. Short term, I’d say move house; if you can’t then think about getting cameras, telling him you want to be left alone and then logging/reporting these retaliatory incidents.

@Blueboy1001
And this:
”you are undoubtedly attractive to him given the age difference.”

My husband is 61. He doesn’t find every 30yo woman attractive because they’re 30.
I guess you think if OP’s 18yo cousin came over she’d be game too.

Sort out your fucking attitude.

Amen.

Applause.

He's obviously trying to force you to interact with him, and he must be able to tell that you don't want to. By playing loud music, he wanted you to come and knock on his door to complain. Same with the parcel. These are not the actions of a friendly neighbour. I've met this sort of man before. One started trying to talk to me in a supermarket recently. He looked a bit creepy, so I ignored him. Then he said to me "I'm not going to rape you or anything". They think that they're entitled to a woman's attention.

Could you replace your lawn with gravel or paving stones/slabs so that you don't have to go out there as much? If you avoid him for a few weeks, he might get bored. Have you spoken to any of the single women opposite to see if they've had any trouble with him? They might have heard something.

Maybe tell him he's making you uncomfortable with him rushing over everytime and you'd prefer it if he stopped as you want some space in your own garden.

thank you - I may have mixed up authors/titles, but i'm sure Gladwell has written something similar.

I'll certainly have look at the de becker one - thanks1

Agree. Agree. Agree

You've been really unlucky with this neighbour, he sounds awful.

It's highly unlikely you'll move somewhere with this kind of situation again, and because of your experiences, you'll do a bit more research on the neighbours when you're house hunting.. for example, you or a friend knock on the neighbours' doors and ask what the area is like, see what they say and generally get a vibe for them.

This could be the exciting change you need, yes it can be stressful and expensive but also fun and full of possibility. Leave this loser behind and break free :)

Sorry OP, I didn't see your post about the music!

Some Council's have an out of hours service for loud music. I think a lot have been cut because of austerity, but it is worth seeking the Council's advice, even if you decide not to proceed with a complaint at this time. Similarly the Neighbourhood Policing Team, just get their advice on how they can or can't help.

Why are some men such entitled arseholes?

How is it pessimism?
People everywhere suffer from annoying neighbours.
You are just as likely to find an annoying neighbour next to your new house as you are in your current one.

Developing the skills to deal with the annoyance is a far better bet than running from the frying pan only to - potentially - jump into the fire.

@Emotionalsupportviper no but it definitely sounds similar so I'll have a look at that one! The one I mentioned is by Gavin de Becker, I think all women should read it.

I absolutely hate it that some posters are telling the OP she's not being neighbourly and is unfriendly. Completely wrong!

Across the road from me are four terraced houses. They are as far as I can tell single women and married couples. If I am in my garden, the women across the road are often out in their gardens, we never come near each other.

To the other side of me is a married couple. The same thing with them. If either of us are in our front gardens we never go near each other. Maybe a nod and quick hello.

However he is totally overbearing. He will come over lean over my wall every single time, make me stop what I'm doing, talk at me. He is creeping me out a lot. Every time I have to talk to him I feel uncomfortable

He's a pain in the arse OP, & out of order, but unless you change how you are handling it, you are going to keep getting the same result - more intrusion.

Next time he imposes on you in your front garden, be polite, answer his greeting, but make it clear that you are not interested in conversation.
"Hi, fine thanks, hope you are too. I'm going to crack on with the garden/painting/whatever now, so I'll see you later."
Turn your back, & crack on with whatever you're doing.
He will probably ignore your clear directive, or pushback in some way -
"As I said, I'm not up for chatting now as I'm doing XYZ - see you later."
If he STILL doesn't go - you have to choose whether you are able to bite the bullet, or prefer putting up with this man's overbearing rudeness forever -
"Are you still here? I said SEE YOU LATER. I'm not in the mood to chat, bye."

You say he will punish you by playing loud music.
That's not a given, as you also say he's a musician - that fortnight of loud music could have been coincidence. He might have been rehearing for a recording or new gig.
But say it's true, & he does?
Then you have a new problem to deal with, & you take it to the council. Gigging musicians know about soundproofing, so you'd tell the council that you believe he is deliberately causing noise disturbance as a response to you rejecting his wish to impose himself on you, & ask them to investigate why he is not soundproofing, or at least adjusting his volume to acceptable levels.

You can't spend your life avoiding confrontation in case somebody decides to escalate.

Is that the Malcolm Gladwell book? If so, I've read it and it is excellent.

If your gut is warning you about a situation or person, then no matter how irrational it may seem, listen to it. This is your lizard brain helping you to survive.

OP- I have no doubt that this man knows you are uncomfortable with him and is getting a nasty little thrill from it. I wish I could suggest how to magian it without you getting punished with loud music etc, but I can't, but I think it might be worth trying a couple of the headphones tricks, and if he asks you to take a parcel in again just tell him you may not be in yourself so can't promise. And if it comes, direct the delivery driver to another neighbour.

Is the band his job? Is the rehearsal studio allowed in a residential area? (Someone near me made another neighbour move because they didn't like his work truck being parked here & reported it -- pity because he was a good neighbour.) As someone else said, the music may contravene local/national regulations on noise. You might check this out with the council (though austerity cuts have limited their actions, in my area at least).

You could also ring the non-emergency police number & just chat to someone for advice, about the noise & the guy's intrusiveness. They can be very approachable & helpful (not sure of they're police or civilians), & they'll log your complaint without any further action, if you want them to.

Ignore this pessimism. ^^

Move. It's crap, it's unfair, it's expensive. But worth it. He sounds like a nightmare. Do not complain to police or neighbours as you will need to include the information in pre-sale.

Just put it on the market and get out.

DO check to see if there were any complaints filed in the past. You could be owed by the previous owners if there was a recorded, known issue which was not declared.

OP, is it possible to put a higher fence up? Or spiky bushes 😂

I do think a doorbell camera might be helpful to have.

OP be rude-ish. It does get easier with practice. You can just say 'i don't wish to be rude, but i don't want to chat'. Or headphones are a good prop, tell him you're learning French and need to listen 'Mon voisin est un grand dick'.

It doesn't matter what his reasons for bothering you are, if you don't like it you don't have to indulge it. If it makes you a miserable killjoy (which I don't think you are) that's your entitlement. There's no law that you have to be friendly.

Young me would have felt exactly like you. Older me might still do, but she'll be better, not perfect, at maintaining boundaries. But some blokes have such thick skin. Good luck.

About the parcel collection - answer the door with the phone in your hand and quickly pass it over with a "Can't stop"

On the rest it's hard to say without being there, but you feel the way you do and that's perfectly valid. I wouldn't move from a home you otherwise love though, and luckily there are lots of suggestions for dealing with this upthread

This is a time to be assertive - or what he might think is rude - say clearly - please can you not speak to me when im in my garden. He will leave you alone after that hopefully.

Please trust your instinct OP and ignore those telling you that you are unfriendly.

Read the book by Gavin Becker (I think) - the Gift of Fear =-

It explains how we are socialised to ignore instincts that are clearly there to protect us.

If OP is thinking about selling up, she probably doesn't want a neighbourhood dispute on record.