Friend forgot our plans

So you are in a well paid job - but what about your friend? Would she be able to reciprocate? Could it be that your generosity makes her feel uncomfortable?

I'm still not clear (sorry if I've missed it...) whether you reminded her at any time after the initial arrangement was made.

For future, I’d set up a shared calendar and add events to it yourself.

If it's a big birthday this friend is presumably at least 30. Perhaps she expected she would be consulted on the plan for her day.

I think it's likely that the friendship means more to OP.

I do find it odd that you haven’t been talking about the weekend more. Apart from logistical points, half the enjoyment is in the anticipation.

But the reaction to it (“I’m embarrassed.” And that’s it?) would be a bit of a nail in the coffin for me. She must know that it’s really bad and that you will have put effort into it (as you say you do this sort of thing for life events) and possibly money that you can’t get back.

People all have their quirks. If she’s a brilliant friend in every other way, I would overlook it but adjust what I did with her in the future. If this is one of many things little or large, then I would take it as a sign she isn’t that bothered and pull right back making sure I didn’t invest time or effort or give up other opportunities for her.

OP probably didn't want to mention it frequently as it is a sort of semi-surprise birthday gift. And it might not be weird for her to spend a lot on a friend's birthday - although I would find it weird, tbh. But putting something into a diary is just so basic! I couldn't be friends with someone that flaky.

I think it's odd to not mention it again for months, why not confirm with her again when you'd booked it? She might've thought it wasn't happening since it was never brought up again and if it's a big birthday she probably wanted to make sure she had something nice planned to do (the holiday).

Don't agree with PPs that you should have to frequently remind a friend of plans though. You're adults!

I agree with this. My bestie spent about £50 on my last significant birthday and I was really touched by that. (I know how much because we were out together and I admired something and she bought it for me then and there). If a friend spent hundreds on me, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I think it’s really weird of you not to have mentioned it again and expected her to still have diarised it. Also quite weird to spend so much on a friend’s birthday tbh and I’d feel very uncomfortable if I was her. It comes across as if you’re trying to prove she doesn’t prioritise you enough or isn’t as good a person as you or something.

If I were you, I'd have to work out whether you think this friendship is in it for the long haul or if it has fizzled out at this stage based on her regular forgetfulness.

If you think it has reached the point that it has fizzled out, then I'd reply to her message where she said she is embarrassed and say that you are not embarrassed, you are pissed off, disappointed in her, fed up being such a low priority on her list and mostly at the moment, angry that you've wasted so much time and effort for her only for her to pull her usual stunt of being forgetful and double booking herself, this time to go abroad with someone else.

I'd be really cross with her (if I knew that the friendship was at an end). Then I'd block her number and remove her from my social media and block her there too.

If the friendship was worth working on, I'd tell her that I was pissed off and disappointed in her and fed up being so low on her list of priorities and that it was now up to her to fix what needed fixing going forward. She is the one who is so scatter-brained, she needs to focus. Or something like that.

I don't see the friendship tbh.

Knowing what she's like surely you reminded her frequently? I think it was foolish to book anything without double checking and re reminding her tbh

It is tricky because she could genuinely forget to put it into the calendar. I’ve got this several time with my DH, had it couple of times myself. The only difference they were smaller events - more like he’s taking DD to the club because I was going out.
However I would expect her to react a bit differently and try to sort it out so you are not out of pocket. Is it only 2 of you? Can you scale it down and take someone for those bits which can’t be cancelled? I wouldn’t rearrange it for her as a matter of principle. As to future of your friendship…. It depends what her further reaction would be. There is a chance that she values you less but it might be a genuine mistake also.

Good for you. Easy, isn't it!

OP take it from someone who’s friend kept putting things in the diary and forgetting. You have two options

• Forget the friendship
• Speak to her honestly and say you’re hurt.

Have neither of you discussed it since the original conversation? I find that a bit odd and if that was me, I would have assumed it was just something you said but didn’t actually go through with. I mean a lot can happen in a few months.

How also would she have brought the subject up if you didn’t? She can hardly say “did you book my surprise birthday bash as I was just wondering if you really meant it or not?”. Why have you not said anything until now? 🤷‍♀️ I think YABU sorry.

Try having your best friend flake on you for your wedding day last month. I've blocked and moved on! I'm done with these people!!

I am shocked at the amount of people saying the OP should have reminded her friend. I'm sure the vast majority of people have a phone with a calendar function that she could have used. I have enough things going on in my life to remember myself so if people ask me to remind them about something longer term, I usually ask them to put a reminder in their calendar, it's what I'd have to do anyway to remind them. I understand ND people will struggle and need help with things like this if it is something that is not easy for them.

I find that people like her will remember things they really want to do. She remembered she's going abroad didn't she. Shes also chronically late to meet you because her time is more important than yours. She's not a good friend. I wouldn't bother with her OP.

I don't get why posters always say their friends, are great friends, in threads like this. Newsflash: they ain't!! If they were so great, these multiple threads wouldn't keep being posted.

YABU. You know what she’s like, yet you expected her to stick it in her diary and that be it, because “that’s what you do” in your circle of friends.

This obviously doesn’t work for her.

My DH had a friend like this. Cancelled at the last minute, or forgot. Never apologised. My DH has stepped back because this “friend” kept making him feel like rubbish.

I’m reading people saying “she isn’t a friend” kind of thing …. However I am this friend. I forget everything a mixture of ADHD, 4 kids , complex PTSD full time work and tbh a lot of being blonde !! I adore and cherish my best friends and I know I drive them nuts. I now actually have reminders set on my phone AND post it’s on the front door … perhaps your friend isn’t a bad friend just different x

Who is she going on holiday with? I'm sorry OP but you need to ask yourself if they matter to her more than you.

It's ultimately on her that she didn't put it in her diary but I do think it's a bit odd that you haven't mentioned it again until the week before.
Reminder text, I'm so excited for our weekend etc

I have a couple of lovely friends who are forgetful. One of them I just remind about stuff and the other, I don't invest cash in stuff she isn't fully committed to.

If you've spent money you can't get back then she should be reimbursing you.