Friend forgot our plans

So, you know she is forgetful and disorganised yet you still booked something on the promise of a text conversation you had months ago!?!? YABVU

The poll results will tell you more than the comments here.

I agree that to me it's a lot to do for a birthday. But my friends spend about £50 on birthday presents for each other, which others would also say was excessive. Each to their own.

Have a lovely spa day OP :)

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated, and it sounds like she has got away for so long with this sort of behaviour towards you, that she no longer respects your friendship.

It all feels a bit over the top for a friends birthday, hair and make up really? I cannot imagine going to get my hair done with a friend, to me that is like booking joint dental hygiene appointments. 😄

I also think it is strange that you did not confirm these things as you were booking them and have instead left it until the week before. That does sound like you were asking for trouble, even a well organised friend might have thought it wasn’t happening if they hadn’t heard anything since the summer.

This. See how she reacts.

Yanbu.

Tell her. Politely, kindly, lovingly, gently in person. That it was upsetting and rude that she had forgotten the plans. That it cost you time and money and we're disappointed that she hadn't booked/prioritised it. If she apologises then she may change and friendship back on track...

Also, I'd tell her just how hurt you were so she is not in any doubt or can go away thinking that it didn't matter really.

Agree with the above. It looks as though a better offer came along and she is only embarrassed for herself, not sorry for hurting you or even offering to make it up in some way. I would take a big step backwards following this. I think you are being a bit too nice about her. She doesn't seem to have considered you at all. Glad you have been able to cancel most things and go to the spa with your DSis. I'd just post a card to her address and leave it there. Let her contact you and only accept an invitation if it is something you actually want to do. Assuming you remain friends, I'd just be dropping round a card and a small gift in future and arranging events with other friends.

It sounds as though she has been getting away with a lot over the years and hasn't made any effort to deal with her flaky behaviour which most of us would.

How does anyone think the OP is being unreasonable? Sometimes mumsnet is completely nuts

Given her form for this behaviour, you were BU to:

1. arrange anything of this nature for her to begin with
2. not to double check/fool proof it with her before making the actual arrangements

That said, she should have apologised. Hopefully she will yet.

The date was arranged way back in the Summer. Then you did a lot of arranging of stuff without her knowledge.

And never mentioned it again to her until the date was nearly here.

If she's a good friend how come it was never discussed?
How come you didn't know her travel plans?

If one of my friends did that I'd think it a bit odd that she'd done all that and never mentioned the birthday treat day any time we spoke.

You were thinking a lot about this friend and planning it all out in your head.

People have busy lives. It doesn't mean your friend doesn't love you, maybe she just didn't think it was such a big deal, or that you'd forgotten because it was never mentioned for the past months.

Absolutely this. And OP has no answer.

I had a friend like this. I don’t any more. I’m not sure I could get past this.

This sounds a bit of a lop-sided friendship.
Did she really forget - or did she just get a better offer?
I'd be taking a big step back and see how she reacts to that. Does she text you? Suggest dates to go out? Or does it just dwindle away to nothing?

@Lavender14 with kindness, this maybe how your neurodiversity manifests. Mine is the absolute opposite (ASD, dyspraxia, ADHD, OCD, PDA - ASD is dominant).
Although highly disorganised in my life generally, I am absolutely fixed on dates. If an arrangement is made, that’s it. I hate flakiness in anyone as it’s so unpredictable. I can only deal in certainties. But, again, that’s how my ND manifests, I know others for whom the experience is different.
However, many neurotypical people are just flakey. Personally, I cannot cope with the uncertainty of that have a history of withdrawing from flakey friends because I can only deal with absolutes. I’ve tried really hard to understand that we aren’t all the same and although last minute cancellations are still upsetting, I take it less personally. Rudeness and flakiness however is a whole different story.
Thats a very roundabout way of saying that I don’t think you can conflate flakiness with neurodiversity.
Flakiness is flakiness regardless, and many of us find that very difficult and upsetting to deal with.

I've also had scenarios where - as I'm usually the organiser- people ask me to reconfirm information that is at their fingertips, should they make the effort to scroll up a couple of pages.

I've also double booked myself for book group because although we verbally agreed the date, it wasn't written down.

I just find it odd that when booking and organising all these lovely things, you never thought to say to scatty friend that you communicate regularly with " Dfriend just wanted to remind you that we agreed X date for your birthday day." until a week before the event.

I'm not saying it's your fault OP - it just feels that it's down to friend being scatty and a lack of checking the date with her between then and now.I'm glad you're able to get refunds for everything and go to the spa with your DSis.

Do you know what- once I totally forgot I was meeting with a good friend who had booked brunch for us. It was very rare kid free time. I had 3 very young DC at the time and was out somewhere with them. I had only been speaking about it with her the day before.
She turned up to pick me up and I was not there.
To say I was mortified was an understatement. I don’t know what happened but it just went totally out of my head that morning and I went onto auto pilot doing my usual routine. I made it back when she called and we did go out just a little later.
I value the friendship so so much. I apologised profusely but felt my friend was really disappointed in me underneath and no matter what I said she still felt let down. It happened years ago now but still makes me sad.

This

You sound like a lovely friend OP. I would love someone in my life to surprise me with this level of effort. I hope that someone appreciates this and offers you the same investment of time and energy!

Your friend was 100% wrong to have not put the weekend in the diary and checked before booking other plans, but I also think you're 100% wrong not to make any kind of follow up until a week before your plans.

I wonder how close you actually are if she has never mentioned she was off on holiday to you before your message? If I was going on holiday, especially for a special occasion - like a big birthday - or as a gift from a friend/partner, then I'd be discussing it with my friends as part of the general discussion of what's coming up in my life, but also wanting to discuss things to do/where to go/asking advice if I know they've visited the same place previously etc. Also at only a weeks notice it's not like she can cancel the holiday, but if she had had more notice she may have not booked it for that weekend or been able to let you know that it was booked so you could switch to a different weekend, especially as she had no idea what you had booked.

You know she is a flake and you know that you decided to do "something" this specific weekend but made no further concrete plans since the summer. Why, knowing this, would you not mention something at some point before now?

If I had arranged a weekend with a friend for a birthday, as soon as I booked something I would be letting them know to confirm the date still worked. Even if it was a "So excited for your birthday weekend, I'm not telling you what I've planned as I want it to be a surprise but just checking that Saturday 6th is still good for you because I have lots of plans for the whole day!" ... Followed up with "Right, everything's booked for Saturday 6th, I'll be picking you up at 9.30am for a weekend of birthday fun!" especially as she might have assumed your plans were "fancy dinner on Saturday night" as opposed to "a full day of activities all day Saturday" and it would have given her time to adjust her plans accordingly.

Eh? Which part of organising a weekend away is intense??

How annoying.
I too have a friend like this. Inviting her once for a meal at mine while DH working away. Got all the food in, organised childcare and cooked it all. She didn’t arrive. I telephoned her and she had just had her dinner !! She had forgot. We only discussed it three days before. !!
P.S. I need a friend like you and I am always up for a spa 😂

Vote with your feet and don’t organise anything for her again.

I think you’ve been so generous with her that she takes is for granted.