Friend forgot our plans

I have a flakey friend like this. She forgets or cancels meet ups last minute. Forgets her DC's school events etc. and claims she's unable to manage things like money or time.

Thing is, when it's something she wants to do, it's incredible how motivated, organised and detailed she can be.

It's about priorities. I've learned I'm not one as I'm the 'always there' friend. So I gave up & relegated her to just someone I chat to occasionally and go when invited to bbq's etc. I no longer help her at all because she can't be arsed finding stuff out & have zero expectations & emotional investment. It's easier.

But it comes across that way because you are putting all of the blame on your friend while taking no responsibility for a situation you helped cause.

You know she is flaky, you know she has form for forgetting events, you know she doesn't always put things in her diary immediately and you know you made your plan months in advance when anything could change ... And yet for her big birthday weekend all you did was agree a date in the summer (which to me is July/August), agree to "diarize" the date and then make zero mention of it to her until the week before and then you seem surprised that she managed to flake on you and forget the event because she didn't put it in the diary 3+months earlier.

Are you obliged to do all the running? No, but considering the context of the relationship I am wondering why nobody has spoken to each other about such a big event at all in the intervening period just to chat about it or why you didn't check in periodically as you were making the various bookings?

Yeah this! I have ADHD. Thankfully many if my friends either are also ND or are understanding/tolerant. I have never forgotten a big organised thing like this though.

Your friend doesn't value your friendship (or you), I'm sorry to say. You made the mistake of booking all those lovely things for her birthday, albeit with very nice intentions.

YellowTreeHouse
Absolutely this. And OP has no answer

Because we have had conversations in the past about her forgetting engagements and being late. Hence why I asked her to put it in her diary and she said it's in the diary.

It's not unusual we would plan things months in advance, little surprises for one another.

I had taken her word that she did put it in her diary, which takes a couple of seconds. I didn't think I needed to remind her again tbh.

I think it sounds like you were testing her OP. You need to be honest with yourself if so - what were you expecting?

As an additional aside to my reply above. I have inattentive ADHD, and I HAD to come up with systems to manage my life. Bullet journalling is my saviour!

Accept that it's time to stop investing so heavily in this friendship.

There are loads of possible reasons WHY she's like this. Anything from neurodiversity to "she's just not that into you", but regardless, YOU are allowed to have boundaries of behaviour you can accept from others, and behaviours you won't accept. You DON'T have to cater to/accept her "flakiness", regardless of the reason for it, if it's something you don't like. Her issues don't have to be YOUR problem.

You don't have to put up with always being her second best option, if you don't want to be. But if your fine with her as a "small doses friend", then great!

I hope you haven't spent any money on this celebration, but if you have, is there another friend who would like to come?

As for original friend, don't even send her a card. Her gift was ready to go, she's chosen not to accept it. That's her problem.

The general conflation of ND/ADHD is really quite upsetting. Not all flakey people are ND (quite the reverse in my personal experience), and not all of us who are ND/with ADHD are flakey.

OP. I've used my samsung phone's diary for years. As soon as I make any appointment, I put it in there with a reminder alarm for the day before. I wouldn't forget a weekend away but there are degrees of adhd I believe.

However, since I switched to iphone and somehow all my calendars have merged, it is really unclear and I have found that I am forgetting appointments but luckily I get texts and email reminders for them.

I have ADHD and the PPs post is spot on. I do, though, put stuff in my calendar on my phone because of it and almost over plan important event things to ensure it builds in extra contingencies for my flakiness. For example it was my daughter's birthday party and to keep it front and centre of my mind I sort of hyperfocused on it and got a bit obsessed planning it which kept my attention and got it done. Noone attending would think I had ADHD as people forget the hyperfocus part - I went overboard if anything but I didn't let her down by forgetting anything.

I can't do this with everything and also sometimes important things get overlooked if I am distracted when sorting them out. For example often I forget to pay parking on apps or clean air or dart charge if I get distracted and then end up thinking I did it when I didnt. I also often don't open post as it comes through the door when I'm busy so I pick it up and put it down and then forget about it.

I have a really important job which requires me to be organised so a lot of people wouldn't realise I have ADHD unless told and/or would think I couldn't possibly forget things like an appointment or a fine but as PP said, all my energy goes into maintaining that job. Its also something I hyperfocus at in fits and starts which is enough to perform it well.

The key for me is to be encouraged - either by myself or family/friends asking me - to immediately diarise things or deal with things when told as if I am interrupted or distracted I forget and will not do the thing. Sometimes this means I have to quite abruptly but politely ask family to stop talking after they've mentioned a date i.e. dont go straight onto another topic so I can diarise immediately or stop mid conversation to pay parking/transfer money to them from my app etc because it has come up in conversation and I'll forget unless immediately do it.

In terms of OPs example though, even if her friend has ADHD or another neurodiversity its a poor show. She managed to remember her holiday abroad. She must know, as an adult and therefore someone who has had years of experience of herself and how she is, that she forgets stuff and has forgotten important plans with this friend before and therefore if she wanted to do the thing she could've stopped and diarised it or communicated to her friend what she needed in order to remember.

So to the poster I've tagged and to the OP, though yes it is helpful to help friends put who are 'flaky' they can and should also take responsibility for themselves.

Oh no. I definitely wouldn’t go to this trouble.
dump her she’s not a good friend.

You must tell her how you feel.
Not to be mean but so that she fully understands the consequences to you of her double booking and to hear her side of the story…if there is one.
It’s not a proper friendship if you don’t start a conversation off about it.
She may need help and understanding. Or she may need a kick up the backside so that she doesn’t take you for granted ever again.
At the very least, she needs to learn a few manners on how to properly and sincerely apologise. ‘I am embarrassed’ is not an apology.

Stuff like this is really not what the phrase ‘victim blaming’ is intended for. Using social justice language for absolutely anything that pisses you off a) weakens it for its actual useful context and b) makes you sound hyperbolic and silly.

Friendship would be over for me.

She told you it was in her diary! She either lied, or didn't care and booked the holiday.

I don't understand 'forgetful' as an excuse, especially when she's clearly remembered her holiday abroad.

It used to amaze me too, but it's far from unheard of on here. Here's a thread where the OP has bought train tickets for her friend, as well as a sixty-five pound gift and is buying lunch for both of them, all as birthday presents. Then the friend has chosen an expensive place, hence the OP venting on AIBU.😆

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4523202-friends-birthday-meal-i-m-paying-and-she-picked-expensive-place-aibu?reply=117361232&flipped=1

I don't think I've ever bought a birthday present for a friend that went further than a pint of beer.

You are to blame here. She is flaky and you know this.

Even if she put it in her diary, it doesn't mean she'd check her diary. If she has executive function issues, she probably doesn't even know where her diary is half the time. I do find it odd that, knowing how she is, you never at any point mentioned it. Not even a "You're still ok for November, right?"

Does she have adhd?

You spent £1400 on a friend's birthday???

Fuck me. I know I'm Scottish and therefore assumed to be tight as a duck's arse but I don't think I've even spent that much on my husband in ten years.

Can I be your friend?

So - you made an arrangement months ago, didn’t mention it again, and assumed she’d magically go against everything she’s ever done before?

This really. You can't change her or the way she acts - which is a separate issue from whether or not she should change. The only bit you can control is what you do. Personally before arranging a day out or anything that involved any money I'd just double check with any friend, however flakey or organised, that things were still on. Years of experience just suggest to me that if you don't do this, life gets in the way and there's too much room for confusion.

The fact that she's doing something else suggests to me that whilst the OP sees her as a BFF, she sees the OP as just another friend. Neither is wrong but the mismatch is a problem.

I think you need to adjust your investment in this ‘friend’ accordingly. You know she’s flaky and unreliable so at least she remained true to character and didn’t disappoint.

I also find it very odd you left it to the last minute to message her asking if she's looking forward ti her 'surprise birthday' it's almost like you've done it on purpose