Friend forgot our plans

110% this. I’m neurodiverse too and I am mortified/embarassed when I genuinely forget things. It’s a huge mental and emotional strain juggling life generally and I beat myself up, still, about things I forgot/friends I’ve let down decades ago.

it’s not as simple as making lists or diarising events. These seem like simple tools but, even in the odd occasion I remember to do this, alarms/reminders may not be set right and the support of kind friends who know I’m flaky about these things is so very much appreciated.

i almost cried reading your post as it’s genuinely the sort of thing I’d do. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends or not value their friendship. If your friend is neurodiverse (even if she doesn’t know it) trust me, she’ll be beating herself up for letting you down far more than you’re angry about it.

Having said that, if you can’t move in from this then let the friendship fade. But I do think it would be a shame to do that as you do genuinely seem to care for her. Just support her with regular reminders about these things.

Wow you'd better let all psychiatrists know that "buying an Alexa" will cure ADHD or other severe memory issues.

Firstly not everyone can have an Alexa to go everywhere with them and the app chatting away (I use silent vibrating alarms to try and help) and secondly, I regularly forget that I'm putting something in my calendar because someone talks to me before I've completed the task.

Not every forgetful or flaky friend has a neurodevelopmental disorder, but there's a whole lot of us who have gone through life feeling humiliated at how unreliable we are, despite the best of intentions. Also I was completely unable to explain how inconsistent I was.

Even diagnosed and medicated it's still really tough and I can't easily be 'normal' no matter how many things I put in place. 🙁

I like to drop a video in case it helps anyone else:

Same with calender reminders go for work meetings months in advance. Do I expect the organiser to follow up every few weeks?
**
Is it not my own personal responsibility to organise my own calendar? I don't expect anyone to act as my PA.

If I organise a largeish work meeting months in advance I always send a reminder email a day or two before to attendees saying “looking forward to speaking to you at X, please see attached agenda”. Or if it’s a small meeting, touch base with the person beforehand. Otherwise it looks like you as the organiser has forgotten shrug

It honestly seems like you were trying to catch her out.

I similarly made plans in summer with a friend in November, and I’ve mentioned it to her several times (are you still on for X, what time were you thinking for X, etc).

If someone made plans with me months in advance and then never mentioned them again I would assume they had forgotten /flaked out. No wonder she booked something else.

Another one here finding it odd you didn't talk about the event between then and now. I'm on the organised side of the scale, but I'm aware not everyone is like me and id always book a date in with a friend then reconfirm when making an actual booking and then send a text saying "can't wait" a month or so before (if it's been a long wait). Then probably a "everything okay for ..." Text a few days before.

My DH is hopeless. To those saying if he care he would, it just isn't the case. He double books at work and turns up to stuff in the wrong month sometimes. It drives him and me mad. Putting stuff in the diary doesn't help because he doesn't remember to check the diary when making new plans. I can't tell you the number of times he has excitedly come to me about some event or thing with friends and I've had to pull up and show him the diary with a fully booked date that we've probably been talking about throughout.
Those saying she remembered her holiday abroad, it may just be because its more new and exciting than the "let me do something for your birthday" comment made 4 months ago. In my DHs brain it would immediately supercede it. He'd perhaps still remember that we were going to do something for his birthday, but it wouldn't connect that both were on the same date.
We are pretty sure he's got ADHD and definitely dyslexia, maybe dyspraxia. But nothing on the books. I once asked why he found it so hard to keep a track of dates etc. He said while other people talked of a timeline in their heads, or a visual calendar, for him it was like a spinning room that he threw information into and slammed the door shut. It gives him huge anxiety and stress.

I could spend my life being frustrated and angry at him and thinking he doesn't care. Or I can accept how he is and put measures in place to counteract it.

I'd also take "I'm so embarrassed" to be an apology.
YANBU to be upset. I absolutely would be. And angry. But I'd also accept that it probably wasn't malicious and knowing how they are, you probably should have known better. You know what to do if making plans in future.

As someone with ADHD this saddens me to read the comments jumping to the conclusion that your friend doesn't care etc. My time management and executive functions are atrocious but it's not through lack of trying, I can put things in the diary and still forget about them because I don't remember look in the diary or my phone will only notify me the day of said event/meeting. Yes work stuff etc included. Neurodivergent people have enough of a struggle living in a world designed for the neurotypical without people trying to shove them into boxes that suit their needs and not the individuals.

Op, you sound lovely and are not being unreasonable.

Maybe she's ND yes, have you spoken with her about this possibility?

Agree with those saying it seems strange to have booked various events without checking in with friends even once to confirm still on or just to inform. Seems like a test whether it is or isn’t. I wouldn’t necessarily keep an event that was ‘in the diary’ that was pencilled in months ago and then I never heard anything more about.
yes she double booked, but I do think you could have handled this better .

She’s not a friend.

similar happened to me on my friend’s birthday, although she didn’t forget. I’d taken a full day off work to spend it with her (self employed, so not even paid leave) and we’d arranged to go for lunch and a walk. Morning of I get a text “sorry can’t make it for lunch today, going for a walk with (another of her friends)”. To which I wasn’t even invited along! Made it perfectly clear to me exactly what she thought of our friendship, so I don’t really bother these days. She was my bridesmaid so we WERE close I thought, but I guess I had that wrong.

I have a friend like this.

I did remind her but she still "forgot" went on holiday twice.

I now know that I am not that important to her.

She has a "big important" job so there is no way that she can be that disorganised and she doesn't forget her holidays.

She will want to do something with us again at some point but I'm not going to put it in my diary. It really upset me at the time.

Fool me once and all that.

This!

That's poor behaviour on her part. I remember I used to have a friend who was so chronically late (without a word of an apology) I'd tell her I'd booked a table at a restaurant an hour before the actual booking, and she'd still be late for the time the table was actually booked.

I would have reminded her sooner, to be honest; it's her birthday, she's hardly likely to forget that! Take someone else, if you can, and back off a bit. The friendship isn't as close as you thought it was.

I would still go and take someone else with you. Her loss. There’s flakey and then there is just being rude! I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You probably could have messaged her to remind her but why should you if she said she had put it in the diary. Most people don’t go abroad very last min so she has probably booked the holiday not long after she’s agreed to plans with you and not felt you were important enough to contact and let know. You’re a good friend - take another good friend and enjoy x

Is it at all possible your friend is neurodivergent? I have ADHD, I am frequently late, I forget things that have been planned months in advance no matter how much I was originally looking forward to them. I try to remember to put things in my diary but if I don’t do it the instant it’s been mentioned, then most likely I’ll forget altogether. Doesn’t mean I’m flaky, care about my friends less or am selfish contrary to many of the comments here. It means my brain struggles with future planning. People are so quick to think the worst of people.

Apologies.

Spending a load of money, and time organising, then.

Of course it is, but you KNOW she doesn’t do this.

From the very opening of your OP:

”I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them.”

I mean, you full well know she doesn’t do something, so assuming she has done it - when you’ve spent £1400 - is madness.

Relegate her to occasional friend, text and card for birthday, nothing else. I used to be like you, not any more.

I don’t think it’s right to assume she doesn’t care about you or the event or is forgetting on purpose! I have lots of lovely friends who would completely forget something like this too. Instead of booking in lots of activities it would be better to WhatsApp back and forth as you book things in to remind, to confirm with her. It’s annoying that she hasn’t said she’s sorry, but perhaps the plans were very vague and she hasn’t realised you’ve put so much effort into it at this stage, so she thinks it’s not a big deal to reschedule.

I think you’ll just have to swallow this one, learn for the future, rather than make a big deal out of it.

I think there are two issues here…
Her lateness/forgetfulness, and her response to Op’s booked events.

The continued lateness and apparent inability to keep a diary would annoy the hell out of me. She’s a grown woman, she must make hair, nail, dentist, work appointments? And OP is not her PA and should not have to keep reminding her… she did say it was in her diary…

The second issue is how she has responded to OP. Now this is the bit that would get me the most…. OP has said she can cancel some bits and is going to the spa with her sister, so al, good. But the total lack of apology would hurt. No consideration for the money OP has spent, and the time to organise a lovely treat. To be honest, I would have trouble moving past that.

I agree you need to wait until you are calm….but I would be telling her exactly how hurt and upset you are by first her childish inability to keep a diary, and secondly, her lack of apology or concern that she had ruined a surprise treat you had been planning for months.

@Conundrum12345 I suspect there is more to it all than just forgetfulness. You will probably never really find out what's behind her behaviour. You need to decide whether you wish to carry on with the friendship. She is unlikely to change. Doesn't mean you need to cut her out of your life. Can you accept the friendship on terms that will work for you in the future?

Once upon a time I would have blamed myself entirely for a situation like this. I would have questioned everything except the other person's behaviour. Your friend took part in conversations about this potential date and could equally have checked with you if it was still going ahead before booking her trip abroad? Even if she could only recollect a vague idea of dates, surely a good friend would have contacted you along the lines of "oh, you know we were talking about doing something in November....."

@Conundrum12345 no I agree you're nobody's PA.But I know if I'm in the situation where I'm shelling out my own money to do something with someone else, I'll just check in with them a few times to make sure we're still on. It just feels like a fairly normal thing to do.

100% this is not a friend which is why I voted YABU - she has form and you're relationship with her is not a priority. Time to find better quality friends!