Friend forgot our plans

Have it out with her op, she needs to understand that actions have consequences.

If it was my friend I'd want to know what they were doing to help themselves to stop it happening again rather than just get repeatedly let down.

Excuse, no. Explanation, yes. The reason why it happened does make a difference if the OP wants to continue the friendship. Or maybe it doesn't matter to her. It doesn't seem to matter to a lot of people. They don't care if someone has a disability. If it affects them in any way, then they'll drop that friend. Or maybe that only happens with certain disabilities.

It doesn't take a great leap of imagination to see how it could create more prejudice if some posters are basically defending the OPs friends actions when we don't even know if she has adhd or not!

There's no excuse for flaking out on a friend like this who has forgotten OPs birthday plans, ADHD or not.

You sound like an absolutely lovely friend to arrange all of this.

There are strategies she could do if she is “neurodiverse” as suggested by some just buy a 99p diary and write it down and don’t make plans with others until you’ve checked it!!

Personally for me the friendship would be over as I just couldn’t be doing with it. No dramatic fall out or anything I just wouldn’t make any plans.

All I saw is people trying to explain why this might be happening because they know ignorant people will come in here saying "all people who do this are just rude, nasty and entitled and think their time is more important than your time and I had a friend who did ABC so I cut her out of my life because XYZ" etc etc. You said yourself you've faced discrimination because of your ADHD, so you should have more empathy for people who want to stop people spewing that ignorant, ablest bs.

That’s terrible but it’s not a remotely comparable situation.

You invited your friend and her husband for a meal and kindly cooked something you thought she’d like = NORMAL.

OP asked friend months ago if a weekend was free then spent loads of money booking spa days without checking with friend = NOT NORMAL

Sounds like a test.

I think you went way OTT organising a full day of activities for a mates birthday. How do you know she actually wanted to do all those things?

That may have been how some posters responded but certainly not all. There was a tone of 'don't blame her as she may have ADHD' in some responses.

Some, not all, before you flame me further.

To be honest I would find everything you’d organised a bit much OP and it would make me want to run a mile. You’ve invested way too much time in her birthday - organising spa treatments etc without actually running these events past her? To be totally honest it would give me the ‘ick’ and make me run!
I like to think I would be more thoughtful than just ‘forgetting’. but the fact is she just doesn’t want to do any of these activities.
Why should she refund you? She never said she wanted to do any of this stuff.
Back off and equalise the friendship.
I’m not sure why this has gone down the route of discussing whether the friend has adhd or
not! That’s irrelevant. The fact is OP was coming on WAY too strong.

Who said it was ok? No one thinks it is ok. People are absolutely mortified and ashamed when they do it because they know it's not ok. There is no attitude.

It's also a lot easier to remember something you have planned by yourself than something someone else mentioned once months ago.

The attitude that this makes it ok to let others down IS an attitude.

How would that help the OP's friend? She's gone and booked a whole other holiday. A notification a week before the original event is pointless.

They're not "attitudes". They're facts. MANY ND people have trouble with executive function skills, which includes memory and timekeeping. That is a fact. Not everyone is able to find a strategy that works for them every time. It can fluctuate. That is also a fact. Not every ND person is the same. Some will have more trouble than you with some aspects of it. Just because having a diary works for you, doesn't mean that will work for everyone.

This is something I would definitely do. Out of sight out of mind. I sometimes don't even have the brain capacity to write in a calendar. (Quite demanding when it wants to know time date place person and you just want to write dentist 9.30. ) I write mystuff on a notes section in my phone.

I have a friend who organises stuff a months to years in advance. Who's that organised that it stresses me out. I am someone that makes plans generally month to month. Something big like a holiday will get planned more in advance but I won't start making arrangements until just before. I will pack on the day or night before otherwise I will forget what has been packed. If I'm stressed things fall out my brain easier. I'm almost certain I'm ADHD. I'm messy and scatty but also incredibly detailed and creative with stuff. I don't think she doesn't care but if something hadn't been mentioned for months and then said a week before I would have freaked (but also offered to pay something towards it)

she forgot your travel arrangement but not her own? She’s not bothered
You need to stop being the fixer,the organiser. She doesn’t value it,can’t recall arrangements. I am v organised but nonetheless I’d have sent some reminder or prompts esp knowing she’s flakey eg I’m looking at flights,accommodation for our booking. Not just leave it as a definite fixed firm date

i suppose I wonder why you persist in being the fixer knowing she’s unreliable

Anyone with ADHD should, where possible, use strategies to minimise the effects of their condition as I a person with ADHD myself do.

I've been able to access coaching free of charge through access to work and there are charities and resources available for those who cannot do this.

ADHD is stigmatised enough and I've personally suffered prejudice and discrimination as a result, these kinds of attitudes don't help!

You can set your phone to notify you an hour/day/week before an event.

This women doesn’t have a diary!

It just gives ADHD and sufferers like myself a bad name when people excuse it for letting others down like that.

If you know you are likely to forgot arrangements others have made.. use a diary!

She didn't try to speak for the ND community. She spoke for herself, as a ND person who does do this.

You are very lucky that you aren't affected in this way. It is very common in ND people. Executive functioning impairment is a huge part of ADHD. Maybe you have a technique/routine that works for you, but other people aren't that fortunate.

I'm not sure why being neurodiverse is seen as a reasonable excuse for treating a friend badly, and I say that gently, as someone with ADHD/ASD.

The op is upset that her friend forgot something that she spent time organising and was looking forward to doing together as a special treat, the friend should realise this and at least apologise for letting her down regardless of her neuro-orientation. Yes it sucks when our ND executive functioning doesn't work, but it's not a catch all excuse to let people down, and it's easy to understand why anyone would feel upset by the behaviour of the friend in this scenario.

I have ADHD and would never do this. You don't speak for the ND community.