Friend forgot our plans

I'm not blaming OP, it's just as the default organiser of a few friends holidays and events out, I know how flakey many people can be. Not intentionally, but just because life gets in the way.

I've somehow managed to organise a ski trip to be away on DHs actual birthday. I feel dreadful, but with all the melee of arranging suitable dates and picking a hotel, I didn't realise until it was too late.
Thankfully he's fairly unbothered by stuff like that and we had no plans.

You should make a note never to book an event with this "friend"
If she's able to turn up at the airport and catch a flight both ways then that's because she sees the trip as more important.
Tbh you were unreasonable not to contact her regularly between booking and now. It will make you feel like a micromanaging parent but it would have dramatically increased the chances of the current situation not happening.

how do you think most people keep in top of things ? of course you need to set reminders keep a calendar etc that how everyone does it

I'm not sure why people are blaming you for this, OP! MN can be weird.

I think you should say something to her, when you're calm, along the lines of how upset you were and that her doing this and not apologising has damaged your trust in her friendship. If she is a good friend, she will understand and try to make amends. And if not... well, then you know.

1. She’s less into you than you are her. Not your fault.

2. If I’d known what she was like I’d have been texting frequently about it in the days/weeks beforehand.

That's the crux of it, isn't it. Whatever the reason for the flakiness, and even if there is not a reason.

Friendship has to be a two way street. If one party is feeling let down, upset, angry or frustrated, then the decision has to be made about whether to continue the friendship. As someone who has ditched a "friend" for exactly these reasons, it's liberating.

I'd feel really hurt in your position too. I think I'd want to take a brief step back and when the time is right, in person, gently let them how disappointed you were. Probably not worth losing the friendship over, but I think you need to let them know how it made you feel - help them realise how important it is to not forget things that have been organised.

Also a lesson learnt and probably made a permanent dent in your friendship as lost trust, but in future you'll need to take more responsibility for reminding them and organised events. Make a joke if it - tell them you need to see a screen shot/ photo of the calendar/ diary so you know they've remembered to write it down, you don't want a repeat of their birthday celebrations you arranged and they forgot about. Make them feel bad for a while, but in time hopefully can get over to still be friends.

She's a grown adult! Why is the op responsible for chasing her to keep to arrangements she's agreed to?!

It depends really , i find it hard to believe that she is that absent minded. Even if she forgot the date , she would have remembered you made plans and then checked the dates before booking trip abroad. You sound like a lovely friend but as others have said she doesn't value you in the same way like any relationship it needs to be balanced. I would distance yourself now

You sound like a good friend. I'm glad you're not going to dump her for not being perfect. I'd like to hope she realises this and appreciates it.

But OP, you already know how to help her remember plans. It's by sending her a reminder when you're booking things or every month ir so.
TBH for a big day out I'd do this as a matter of course.

She is what she is and isn't going to change, so on this occasion I think you just need to accept that you should have reminded her and she should have tried at least to remember the date and been a lot more gracious and apologetic when telling you about her trip abroad.

Tell her how you feel and why. Stop second guessing and TALK. That’s the only way you’ll know why. And stop planning things with her. Pull away and see if she makes an effort or not. If not, there’s your answer. But tell her exactly why you feel upset and ask her why first.

I hope you have another mutual friend that you can take along, and send photos to let her know you’re celebrating her big day

I have forgetful moments in menopause, and I’ve had to use reminders and my diary to overcome this. If this is the reason, your friend hasn’t, and hasn’t apologised which is poor behaviour. Learn from this and don’t let her, let you down again.

This. So much this. Im 55 and only realised this last year that it's very likely I am neurodiverse. I have struggled all my adult life with being flaky, time-keeping (my concept of 'time' seems to be different from other people's), organisation, and all the other things mentioned in this post. The rules of society are often a mystery to me.I must say I would have apologised profusely had I been your friend, but I do wonder if she even realises all the things you had arranged?

Those saying she doesn't value your friendship highly just don't understand how differently our minds work and the daily struggle to appear normal and just to function in the world. I have a few deep and valuable friendships and I appreciate every day their understanding and forbearance of my inability to function - particularly at or around social occasions. I have bailed at the last minute so many times - sometimes for quite big events. I have learned the hard way - I do have a hard-copy diary now and try to put plans in place a long time in advance to ensure my anxiety levels are kept manageable and I don't panic and freeze-up, but I still forget a LOT. It's nothing to do with not valuing friendships, I can't overstate how highly valued my friendships are - they are dearly loved and integral to my well-being and life, it's just that my brain is somehow faulty or different and I can't seem do things in the right way. My work partner is constantly having to remind me of stuff and people that I should know about, and did know about, but have just forgotten from one day to the next.

I don't think you necessarily need to be ND to forget plans made verbally over 3 months ago and then not mentioned subsequently. Even if they were in the diary.

Sounds like your friend has ADHD…

Personal responsibility goes both ways. The OP says her friend has improved a lot, so obviously she has been trying to do better, but it doesn't work consistently. So, knowing her friend is trying, and knowing her friend struggles in this area, the OP did nothing to help.

You sound like a lovely friend OP but I think you have been a bit over optimistic here in assuming your friend would change the habit of a lifetime.

I have a close friend who is similarly disorganised (but kind, loyal and a lovely person). Even after she had told me that she had put a date 3 months down the line in her diary, I would never book anything for us both on the planned date without checking in with her again first.

Your friend should most definitely have apologised and asked if you were out of pocket.

I would explain to her that you were excited about celebrating her birthday with her and feel hurt and let down. Her reaction to that will tell you a lot about the value she places on the friendship, and you can decide then whether you need to take a step back from her.

Why did you book stuff without checking that she could still make it? ‘Just checking in’ etc. if you know she’s flaky that is common sense. I could be considered flaky, I often forget things and double book and feel really anxious about it; regular reminders and patient friends are much appreciated.

I take your EMPATHY and raise you .... PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

Does she only do this with your or with other friends and family too?

if everyone, and you want to keep the friendship, I think it would be worth telling her how hurt you feel. And give her a wall planner for her birthday.

if she only does it with you or selected people, perhaps she’s not as invested in your friendship as you are, and it might be time to step away.

in her shoes, if it was a genuine error, I would go OTT with planning something for you for the next available spare weekend.

If it was my friend (and I do have a friend exactly like this) I would ask her what could I do to help her with this to stop it from happening.

As it so happens, I did ask this and guess what! It rarely happens now (with me, at least). All it takes is for me to check in with her, little reminders. "Hiya, you still up for the thing next month? I'm just about to buy the tickets" or "You buy the tickets then I'll buy the dinner" because if she's involved in the arrangements she's more likely to remember them. It's not hard for me to do this because she's my friend, and she didn't choose this disorder, and I don't like being let down either. EMPATHY.

Her forgetting is disappointing but the lack of an apology is hurtful and rude. She may well be neurodivergent as other posters have suggested but it’s not for you to diagnose her or assume she is ND.

Even if the friend does have ADHD, that's no justification for her not giving OP an apology. I'm autistic and have learned that people generally forgive me my fuck ups if I express regret over them (plus I do genuinely feel regret, usually). OP's friends sounds self-absorbed due to the lack of apology.