Friend forgot our plans

!!!! ZOMBIE THREAD !!!!

Previous last updates relate to January 2023 and November 2022

Please lock this thread MumsnetAdmins

I also have ADHD and I forget lots of things - keys, where I put something etc - but very very rarely would I forget an arrangement I'd made with a friend. We remember what's important to us.

As some with ADHD dealing with others who have ADHD. I say it’s not the friend’s responsibility to keep over adapting to keep up with the friend who is acting flakey.

that stuff gets old and disappointing. And overwhelming. That friend needs to acknowledge how their behavior affects others. And I would say she owes her friend for not following through a big birthday celebration that cost money and making appointments. I guarantee you this is not the first time her friend did this to her.

sure I used to forget to even check if I had homework. And flash forward to being an adult, it got to a point I had to start putting my gigs in an electronic calendar so I wouldn’t over book myself.
I never let my forgetfulness affect commitments to people nor my organization, though. I care how I show up for others because I don’t want to hurt them.

ZOMBIE THREAD*

I find this really confusing - you are in contact a lot and you didn’t talk about the things you booked?! I simply cannot believe that you either did mention this planning aspect and/or that it didn’t trigger her to remember the weekend. Sounds to me like like she is full of it and got a better offer. She’s not your friend.

"Hi, can you remind me what weekend we set aside because I'm looking at booking a holiday and don't want to get it mixed up!"

It's really not that hard.

When you are chaotic you don’t live like that. I have a calendar , sometimes I remember to write on it , sometimes I look at it and forget what I’m doing on the way to places if I get distracted. My point was you have to find things that work for you. Mine is setting a reminder a day before. The time I need to leave AND putting a post it on my front door.

To be fair if you mentioned my birthday months ago then didn’t say anything about it again til the week before I’d assume you’d forgotten or changed your mind anyway! And I’m the least flaky person!!

id feel too rude to ask you about it too! ‘Excuse me are you still planning fun stuff for my birthday?’ Just sounds ridiculous

I suppose my problem was taking her word. Her diarising / timekeeping had improved as it had been discussed with her on numerous occasions.

I have other friends that say keep X date free in X month for X event. I wouldn't expect to be reminded every few weeks about it. Same with calender reminders go for work meetings months in advance. Do I expect the organiser to follow up every few weeks?

Is it not my own personal responsibility to organise my own calendar? I don't expect anyone to act as my PA.

No one said you should be reminding her every few weeks. People have said that organizing a date three months in advance and then radio silence on the matter (despite talking to her regularly) until the week before isn’t normal and that lots of people might think it was a plan that hadn’t come to fruition and would be easily forgotten about. (I also find it odd that someone you’re so close to and speak regularly to hasn’t mentioned that they’re going abroad in a month, though, so it may be we’re all misinterpreting your relationship.)

You’ve spent three months thinking about this and planning it, so to you, it is a big deal, you’ve invested a lot in it. But your friend got asked to put a date in the diary and that was it. She hasn’t had the same experience over the last three months of thinking and anticipating. She’s just forgotten about a date mentioned once.

All sorts of dates are followed up on. One of the reasons for save-the-date cards followed by formal invitations with RSVPs for big events is to build in a process that is less likely to slip by the way side in the back and forth of a conversation. I’m not suggesting it’s your fault because you didn’t follow up. I’m simply saying this is normal for humans, lots of people might have forgotten in the circumstances you describe. This isn’t simply the preserve of people who are terrible at time keeping.

This is exactly me as well. I forget things all the time, forget to put things straight in my diary, and sometimes the diary is so full (work and kid related things, rarely exciting!) I miss or double book my own things I have put in....there is a chance she doesn't care, but there is every chance she just forgot. I would ask her about it and let her know how much it upset you, and see what's her response. Maybe just be a bit more careful organising things for her in future.

Is it not my own personal responsibility to organise my own calendar? I don't expect anyone to act as my PA.

wow, OP! Way to be understanding of your friend 😂 No it’s not your responsibility to be your friend’s PA, but I feel like mentioning something 3 months in advance and then not again until the week before is a bit odd, especially as you speak to her a lot. Would you not be saying ‘can’t wait for our weekend away’ or similar? Anyway, who is at fault is no longer the most important thing here. You mention that you want to keep the friendship so you need to be honest about being upset, but also understand that not everyone is as organised as you are, and how can you two communicate better in future.

That's really nice of you and you honestly sound like a wonderful, thoughtful person. Unfortunately I think you are wasting all that loveliness on the wrong person.

Yes you have tried to do something nice for her and look at the big slap in the face she has given you!

For me it’s not so much the money spent it’s the principle that she didn’t even have the decency to apologise or show an inch of remorse. If someone had gone to the same trouble for me as you have done your friend… and I had genuinely forgot, I would be apologising and feeling truly ashamed of myself that someone had spent so much time and money on me! Instead she’s just ‘embarrassed’! She didn’t forget! She rather just have a holiday and didn’t care that you had gone to all that trouble for her. She’s not a genuine friend… a genuine friend would react differently than she has.

You're a very generous friend, @Conundrum12345
She'd be absolutely DONE with me.
All I would say, is, wait for her to contact you now. See how much you DO mean to her. Hugs.

I think these responses are so bizarre. OP you asked for honesty so not being mean but this is a totally over the top day you’ve planned for a friend and she’s not as into you.

If it was me I wouldn’t bother. I had a friend like this and yes we also had some fantastic times together but it seemed she enjoyed seeing me run about after her only for her to ‘forget’ or just not turn up! She would always let me down as soon as a better offer came along… just like it seems your friend has with the holiday! Strange how she hasn’t forgot that! And as she is like it with everyone it shows exactly the sort of person you are dealing with. A one off error with just one or two people where she has forgot…. Ok fair enough, you can let that one go… but to do it all the time and treat everyone the same…. Nah!

I would totally agree on your points on helping her overcome her planning issues IF she was actually remorseful and had apologised but she isn’t and hasn’t! Or at the very least offered to either reschedule or reimburse you for the costs, even if you will get the deposits back she probably wouldn’t have known that you get the deposits back but never even asked to find out if you do or not! The fact that she never apologised seems to me that she doesn’t really care! THAT is the difference between a true friend who is just a bit forgetful and someone like her!

The OP was trying to be very nice and shouldn't have to keep reminding this adult about something that presumably they would both enjoy and both be looking forward to.

Not one person is arguing that she ‘shouldn’t’ have to. But she did have to.

The friend has form. Why would anyone think she would act differently this one time? It doesn’t make any sense.

I really don't understand why people are being mean to the OP.

She asked an adult to celebrate the adults birthday. She had mentioned it between the original idea and the date. She asked her to put the date in her diary.

Surely the adult knew when her birthday was. Why should the OP have to keep reminding her. When I am looking forward to seeing my friends I don't forget the date.

Does her boss have to tell her her next task and then keep asking her if she has remembered to do it.

It is pathetic. Stop making excuses and attacking the OP.

The OP was trying to be very nice and shouldn't have to keep reminding this adult about something that presumably they would both enjoy and both be looking forward to.

And why set someone up to fail if it is going to cost you money. Ridiculous.

If you haven't got anything nice to say then leave the OP alone. Other people have already said it so you are just bullying her now.

THIS!!!

I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them

I suppose I would just assume it would have been diarised when we set up the date

You can't think both things! I think you set her up to fail on this one. Why bother organising these things if you know she's flaky?

I do the forgetting / not diarising plans thing and it’s 109% because immediately neurodiverse rather than don’t care or value people BUT I’d still know there were plans in that month and I’d be checking every few months to make sure I hadn’t got the date confused (and once messaged to me I’d know where to find it).

So- YANBU. Not diarising and being scary can be w good reason but independent adults learn to manage such things somehow.

There was a thread recently where a poster forgot she had a wedding tomorrow and is always forgetting things. I think others were saying is may be that she has adult ADHD or maybe something else, I’ve forgotten now!
Not apologising is not good unless she has problems putting herself in your position as she’s only said she’s embarrassed.

So I read your OP and other posts…

I had a friend who was chronically late for our meet-ups… hours sometimes and even then she’d criticise me often try to put me down when we did meet up. But we did have fun on meeting up and she turned up to a landmark birthday celebration for me.

one day she asked me to lend her money but send it to an overseas Western union account which I did so. Or tried to do but it got messed up. I’d lent her money before and she always paid me back even though I wasn’t happy lending this to her. She was angry that I’d messed the transaction up but I had a lightbulb moment. I thought, you’re late every time we meet, etc…. Of course she was not late for work etc.

i thought I must be not as close a friend as I’d thought but I’d had enough! Had cut contact before with her.

fool me once, fool me twice no!

OP, you either forgive this friend and help her or you don’t. I know what I’d do!