Page 5 | Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

kMix · 2022-10-23T13:05:58+00:00

two dc are 2. DH is horrible to me, sometimes to one of the kids. I mean he's not horrible all the time, but if I pull him up on stuff he can be horrible. Sulking. Unable to have a conversation without shouting. Poor MH. too. Anyway - pls don't tell me he won't go for custody. I know him. He will. He will go for as much as he can possibly can. And he will make every single thing as difficult as possible. he will stay in the house. he will refuse to sell etc I feel it's totally unreasonable to leave my kids to deal with him without me there. Should I wait until they're older and can have a say? They have a decade of having to go see my DH without a say. People are always LTB but if anyone has ever been in my position - can they understand why it feels impossible to leave? Any stories or advice of people who have been through it?

Soopermum1 · 28/10/2022 20:57

OP. I earned twice what ex H did and I got 55% of the assets and kept my larger pension, and certainly didn't pay any maintenance (he pays CMS). It depends on individual circumstances. I have the kids full time. Done on my own, but got a shit hot barrister in right at the end.

FlowerArranger · 28/10/2022 21:13

Good idea to get a SHB if it ends up going to court 😎

JanglyBeads · 28/10/2022 22:45

We are a family when he shouts all the time. Yeah right.

Keep posting here OP.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 28/10/2022 23:12

Please listen to @billy1966 and get him out as soon as possible. Do not let him continue to abuse your children. I was that child and my mum did nothing.

Careeria · 31/10/2022 18:30

Did you have any luck with the solicitor today, @kMix ?

Original poster

kMix · 01/11/2022 18:56

Thank you for asking @Careeria i emailed the solicitor I spoke to before and we are speaking next week. She was pretty negative about what I can expect but said she'd argue for lots more but didn't want to give false hope. DH hasn't been angry for days now but seems sad and deep in thought a lot. He's deleted all the browsing history on the house computer.

We are on a v low rate mortgage and I did a calculator to find out what jt would cost now and its crazy but I can always rent for a bit.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 01/11/2022 19:30

kMix · 01/11/2022 18:56

Thank you for asking @Careeria i emailed the solicitor I spoke to before and we are speaking next week. She was pretty negative about what I can expect but said she'd argue for lots more but didn't want to give false hope. DH hasn't been angry for days now but seems sad and deep in thought a lot. He's deleted all the browsing history on the house computer.

We are on a v low rate mortgage and I did a calculator to find out what jt would cost now and its crazy but I can always rent for a bit.

Nasty abusive men are verybsensitive to their victims moods.

He can sense you are pulling away, distracted, thinking about your future.

He senses that he has over stepped and needs to pull back.

He is sad and pensive to try and elicit sympathy.

He knows that he needs you more than you need him.

Its likely he doesn't want to divorce.

Not because he loves you or the children or gives a damn about any of you, more that it suits HIM.

The only person her is concerned about his himself.

He wants to lure you into thinking things can improve.

It won't.

He's a nasty abusive prick and this is your life and will be your life until you want to change things.

Keep posting whenever you like.

We are here.

You can do this.

Careeria · 01/11/2022 20:11

I'm glad you came back, @kMix , and well done for speaking to the solicitor. What do you think was on the browsing history? I've been where you are and it's always so tempting to think that things might get better but my experience was that I just found myself back at the same place again and again, kicking myself.

SomeChickensAreJustTooBig · 01/11/2022 20:24

I left when our little boy was five. It was difficult and terrifying. I could not have stayed in that marriage - I was losing my confidence, personality, joy and was really lonely.

Careerhelpppp · 26/08/2026 21:51

Changethenamey · 23/10/2022 14:22

I am in a similar situation OP, so I know where you are coming from. I’ve also decided to stay for now. The kids don’t particularly like being left with him as it is (he isn’t mean as such - shouts a lot, doesn’t like them making any mess, puts a film on and expects them to sit quietly and watch it while he sits on his phone kind of thing) and cry if I have to go out. I can’t imagine having to drop them off and leave them all weekend it would be so heartbreaking. The one piece of advice I can give is that it doesn’t get better as they get older. My oldest is now 9 and is always trying to get her dad to ‘like’ her (pretending she shares an interest, begging to go to the supermarket with him etc) and it’s so sad. I personally think it would’ve been better to leave while they’re still young as I carry a lot of the parenting load and I think he would’ve had to pick that up if he was on his own with them (for eg he won’t go out to the park or anything because it’s ‘boring’ but you can only keep them in so long before they climb the walls! He would’ve worked that out after a few weekends!). 💐

Old thread but my DD is 4 and also does what your DD does and i find it really sad! How is your DD getting on now - is she still like this with her dad?

Changethenamey · 26/08/2026 22:12

Careerhelpppp · 26/08/2026 21:51

Old thread but my DD is 4 and also does what your DD does and i find it really sad! How is your DD getting on now - is she still like this with her dad?

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Hi! We actually separated, around a year after this post. Obviously it was difficult and I feel guilty all the time for splitting up the family, but it was making me ill and I couldn’t bare for my kids to grow up thinking that was normal family life. Oldest DD’s are now 13 & 11 and their eyes are well and truly open to how their dad is - he isn’t actually a bad person, just not great at being a parent I guess. He has the children EOW and spends a bit more time with our son (8) purely because the girls don’t want to go there any more than that. I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, and don’t really have any advice other than be there for your little girl 💐because my daughters are my absolute best friends, tell me everything/anything and we have lots of fun together. The house instantly felt lighter when he left.

Careerhelpppp · 26/08/2026 22:16

Changethenamey · 26/08/2026 22:12

Hi! We actually separated, around a year after this post. Obviously it was difficult and I feel guilty all the time for splitting up the family, but it was making me ill and I couldn’t bare for my kids to grow up thinking that was normal family life. Oldest DD’s are now 13 & 11 and their eyes are well and truly open to how their dad is - he isn’t actually a bad person, just not great at being a parent I guess. He has the children EOW and spends a bit more time with our son (8) purely because the girls don’t want to go there any more than that. I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, and don’t really have any advice other than be there for your little girl 💐because my daughters are my absolute best friends, tell me everything/anything and we have lots of fun together. The house instantly felt lighter when he left.

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Thank you so much for this!!! I have 2 DD’s both under 4, and whilst he isn’t a bad man, he is so incredibly grumpy and selfish and I hate the thought of the girls growing up thinking that this is how it’s ok for men to be.
Trying to get my ducks in a row to leave. It’s hard at the moment as I’m a SAHM and trying to return to work but self employed.

It’s lovely to hear you’re all doing so well after that initial post!