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Original poster

Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

112 replies

kMix · 23/10/2022 14:05

two dc are 2. DH is horrible to me, sometimes to one of the kids. I mean he's not horrible all the time, but if I pull him up on stuff he can be horrible. Sulking. Unable to have a conversation without shouting. Poor MH. too.

Anyway - pls don't tell me he won't go for custody. I know him. He will. He will go for as much as he can possibly can. And he will make every single thing as difficult as possible. he will stay in the house. he will refuse to sell etc

I feel it's totally unreasonable to leave my kids to deal with him without me there. Should I wait until they're older and can have a say? They have a decade of having to go see my DH without a say.

People are always LTB but if anyone has ever been in my position - can they understand why it feels impossible to leave? Any stories or advice of people who have been through it?

OP posts:
Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 19:50

He's currently crashing round the house moving furniture really loudly, not looking at me, not talking to me. I can't even remember what I've said wrong today. I hate living in this atmosphere.

I just want to say "what's wrong" and either make up or at least have a fight. But both are useless. But I just can't stand this silence.

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 23/10/2022 19:22

Yes. Wish i had done it earlier. They were 3 and 6

AuntieEntity · 23/10/2022 19:10

I left when DD was 3. When I say left, I kicked him out. He was constantly depressed, unable to hold down a job, got us into debt and seemingly hated spending time with us as a family because he preferred drinking.

Every time he threatened suicide or told me he was going to smash all the windows, or kick the front door in, I rang the police. I was not about to teach my daughter that you have to stay with a man because you're afraid to leave.

All his threats about going for custody proved to be just that - threats. He had no desire to be saddled with a child, and so off he fucked. He occasionally pops up and treats DD to the benefit of his company for a couple of hours, but she already has the measure of him.

emptythelitterbox · 23/10/2022 18:55

Definitely make an appointment to speak with a solicitor to find out your options.

Tell your family what's going on to get some support.

My DD went through this.
She's been free from the arse for 5 years now. He's seen the kids maybe twice in all that time.
He also threatened to go for full custody.

Bearsinmotion · 23/10/2022 18:42

I left when the kids were 5 and 8. We lived in temporary accommodation for a while, then moved back in to the family home and he moved out.

What I would say is that old cliché about getting ducks in a row. I saw a solicitor a year before he left, so I was very sure of my financial situation and what he was entitled to. I also knew what I needed to evidence his abusive behaviour.

I didn’t have a plan as such, but one day he basically threatened to leave and I took him up on it. That was October. Two weeks after he left I disobeyed him, he came to the house after I asked him not to and tried to kick the door down.

By Christmas I had a court order, custody agreement and child maintenance in place. He always told me he would fight for custody, tell the school I was an unfit parent, report me to social services about my (non existent) MH issues… everyone saw through it all. We’re in so much of a better place now.

Quitelikeit · 23/10/2022 18:42

The longer you stay with him the more he may be entitled to if you divorce

i don’t think there will ever be a right time to leave him

can you try to persuade him that you need a break to think things over and he could move in with a family member fir a few weeks

then just don’t have him back

JanglyBeads · 23/10/2022 18:31

Leaving the family home does not disqualify you from claiming any portion of its worth OP

DanniDryer · 23/10/2022 18:19

Does your family know what’s happening? Could you go to them or a friend if you need to get out?
I am sure your granny would have cared more about your happiness and safety than about the money.

HappyToSmile · 23/10/2022 17:38

When did you inherit the money from your nan? Was it before your marriage?

Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 17:30

actually that is a stupid suggestion of mine @RandomMess - once all this is over i'll need all that salary and more to pay for everything. i'm so scared of losing our home and all that money. he was cracking up at work. i thought him doing less hours would be answer

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/10/2022 17:30

Evidence that you do the parenting.

Consider a 9 day fortnight.

Evidence that he does sweet FA with them.

Move out into rented WITH the DC.

Make it so he has to get a full time job if possible.

He's going to such more money out of you the longer you are together tbh.

Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 17:25

@RandomMess yes - there is enough equity to fund two smaller houses - two deposits but poss still not enough for him to buy house on his salary. i think perhaps then they would give him bigger % of equity in order to ensure he can get house as i could get a mortgage on my salary and he could only get v. small one. even then i don't know if he'd do it.

here's the real kick in the shins. all the equity is from me (well my gran when she died). he was in debt when he met me with no savings, renting in a houseshare. i really really can't get my head round telling my family i've lost all gran's money to DH, but that is a real possibility given our current set up eh?

we been married 4 yrs.

what do you mean make it more favourable? me quit my higher paying job?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/10/2022 17:19

You can move out with the DC and then fight for the house. It would at least establish you as primary parent.

Is there enough equity in the house to fund 2 smaller homes?

I would behind them scenes to get your ducks in a row to make child arrangements be more in your favour when you split.

CaptainMum · 23/10/2022 17:15

Is there any way to call his bluff? When he demands custody to appear to agree and request weekends or EOW? And ask him to buy you out of the house etc?

SpringMum30 · 23/10/2022 16:35

I’ve been in this situation too unfortunately. Ex started off with threats with full custody and gradually reduced over the last 18 months to a few hours alternate Saturdays. I think the reality of looking after young children alone hit him in all honesty. It’s one thing threatening custody and another thing looking after young children alone and all the comes with it. Like you I’ve always done it all so no different now except one less person to cater to. Has been tough but overall children are happy and settled. They have a safe and stable home and live well.

Nn9011 · 23/10/2022 16:21

So I can't comment as the parent but I can comment from the child's perspective and my god how much better my life would have been if my mum had been able to leave when we were young. It's a myth that kids don't know what's happening, we see everything and a disruptful relationship is worse than separation in the long run.

Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 16:08

i wish i could just put the kids in the car and go somewhere else. But all my life savings are in this home and it's the kids home. I want to fight for it. Which i guess might mean us both living under the same roof while we fight it out which is hell.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 23/10/2022 15:59

I walked out taking a 3 and a 5 year old with me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2022 15:59

Tbh it’s bloody stupid to tell you to pick a better DH now this has all happened. I thought I was picking a good DH/ good father for children too - he was an amazing uncle and on paper should have been brilliant. Actually a lazy and EA arsehole.

Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 15:58

Thanks for all your stories encouraging. God it's going to be so rough. He gets so sensitive - deamnds the kids attention shouting their name and then says "they hate me" when they cry for me.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2022 15:58

Yes, I did. My youngest was under 2 when I began the process.

What I had to do in the end was file for divorce and apply for a financial settlement and a child arrangements order all at the same time.

All of the claims got settled: agreed in the end but by applying to court you ensure that he has to engage with it / offer something sensible. Or if not, the court makes an order.

I would see a solicitor or direct access barrister though - even if it’s just for advice and you have to do the forms yourself (direct access barrister can’t do the forms etc) so that you know what you’re entitled to.

Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 15:56

@use38567483 Yes - I wish I had picked my DH more carefully. He seemed better than a lot of the blokes I knew. And I loved him. I did have some warning signs that I ignored like an idiot. And then had kids in covid and it all went awful and it's never got better. He just gets angrier every day. Itts all my fault.

There will be no DH2 so I won't hvae to worry about that.

But I know i don't love him because like your mum - the thought of him meeting someone else actually would be reassuring that he wouldn't go completely off the cliff and neglect the kids on his weekends etc. Though wouldn't want another woman to experience him. But i certainly would never feel jealous. I couldn't care less if he slept with every woman in the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
kMix · 23/10/2022 15:52

@SudocremOnEverything Yes, I can just about afford it all without him. I mean - I would have to be really careful but I could do it. But I certainly can't afford lots of lawyers etc. If take all the outgoings and add up all my income and a couple of extras (i've taken on freelance evening stuff I can do after kid bedtime) - I can pay for it all but no wriggle room. I just wish he'd disappear. But if he makes my life difficult my money will run out v quickly if that makese sense. I mean he doesn't have much money but i bet you he will up his hours again if he thought it would mean getting money to get me back. He will hate me so much i can't bear to think about it. Not because I care if he hates but hating me will be the only thing he has in in life if that makes sense.

OP posts:
use38567483 · 23/10/2022 15:46

My Mum did when we were 2 and 4.

Although in my childish way I wanted them to "get back together", they DIDN'T get on, and things were much calmer, both at home (Mum brought us to live with her Mum at first and then bought a fixer upper round the corner) and visiting Dad.

I will say Mum was relieved when Dad (within 3 years iirc) got married again (to a young divorced Mum) as our SM was a responsible woman, whereas Dad wasn't that brilliant at caring for small children. I don't think I owe her my life - but I might!!

My takeaway from all this was to pick my own DH very carefully - even so, despite this, the early years were rocky as both Mum and Dad still rowed with their new spouses and I had literally no idea what a loving happy marriage looked like. I got better by following his family's example.
So pick DH #2 from the guys with big happy families who never have a cross word, is my suggestion!

billy1966 · 23/10/2022 15:16

Please call Womens aid and get good legal advice.

He has reduced his income as part of his abuse.

Do not let on you are seeking advice.

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