Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

Op

i hope you come back.

this is all part of the abusive cycle and it is what keeps most women trapped.

I call it the Mr Nice/Mr Nasty cycle. It is designed to keep you hooked and your brain constantly tries to please him and you behave in a way so as to entice Mr Nice back!

I suspect he had sense you felt empowered (probably through you posting on MN tbh) and then he realised he had to put his nice mask on again!

don’t fall for his shit - he is dysfunctional and always will be

keep posting

How is it going OP? I read this a few days ago and was going to say that I relate to it but things aren't so bad for me. But on reflection, they are. How do you build up the courage to address it all? My children are all primary age and although the logistics sound scary, it's the idea of breaking up their world (and their dad's life) that I can't square. Yet I don't want to carry on like this.

Re your Nan's money - I guess when / if anything happens to your DH it would come back to your kids anyway?
Stop thinking & go & see a solicitor!!

At least go and see a solicitor, see where you stand. I couldn't begin to guess what he might be entitled to given that most of your shared money is an inheritance. Relatively speaking, you haven't been married long and the inheritance was before you got married. So it might not be as bad as you think. But get advice and then you know what you're dealing with and can make plans. Good luck OP.

I am glad you are ok. @RandomMess is right about the cycle of abuse and its effect in keeping you there. Writing things down seems a good idea so you can keep it clear what is happening and how often.

In your shoes, I would be making preparations to leave and I would also make sure you have a plan in place in case you need to get out very quickly for your safety. You and your children should not have to live like this, in fear of your parter and his behaviour. I do understand your worries about joint custody but even if he did go for 50-50, it’s still much better for your children to have a home where they feel safe and are not abused 50% of the time.

I saw you said he was horrible to one of the children. Do you mean always the same child or one or other of them?

Thus is the cycle of abuse.

If he was nasty all the time you would be gone.

He doesn't have to accept it's over you just divorce him anyway

How are things today, OP?

Well what else is your Mum suggesting... Has she got a rich, single friend looking for a cocklodger who could spirit your DH away so that he make minimal claim on finances (and does she have a butler who can help look after the kids on access visits)?
Can't see anything else that would work!

Ps she’s right that being a single mum can be hard but it’s a lot less hard than living with an abusive man.

Please don’t let what your DM thinks make you stay. Surely she would rather you were happy and safe? And if not, do you really care about her opinion?

Use womens aid and support thru court and local dv charities they are amazing

Just leave my love. Nothing will ever feel worse or be harder than what you are living with. Ive been in extreme poverty and dragged thru every court... family... accused of everything. False reports to ss. Divorce he threatened id run out of money before him but with a second job and selling nearly everything of value i paid the 14k fees. Final hearing soon and im glad i have legal representation even though its killed me. Im hoping its all ending by dec and he has no more links or ability to control anymore
As much as its been hard. I still turn my key and lock my door and me and the kids have a loving peaceful home where we can rest and not be dominated by a monster.

I left when my kids were 3 & 5. It wasn’t easy. He immediately took me to court and got residency. We had a hellish few years, complete with SS & police involvement. After a few years of that I took him back to court and residency was reversed. A year after that the divorce was finally finalised, he was forced out of the house and it was sold. I’d originally put all the deposit in and I got the vast majority of the proceeds of the sale, phew. It took years going through the court system - it was stressful, expensive, and seemed neverending.

Now my kids are 9 & 11, I own my own house and I got remarried to a wonderful man (despite initially swearing I’d never have another relationship again!). My kids are happy, settled, and healthy, and are living in a happy household where they can see what a healthy relationship looks like. The court ordered contact with their dad, and I try my best to encourage it, but sometimes he doesn’t bother and sometimes they just point blank refuse to see him. That’s on him.

It was a very difficult few years at first, but I’m confident that ultimately it was the best thing for both my kids and myself.

Also women's aid have been really helpful and supportive x

Hi, I'm currently leaving my husband, he's been emotionally abusive, I was staying for the kids until I realised I didn't want them to feel that they should stay in relationships like this, or accept behaviour like his. He wants 50/50 and might get it as I've never reported abuse, and it's all been low level, constant, but not dramatic enough for police. I've come to terms with the fact that I will give them a stable home, with routines and stability. He isn't abusive to them and they love him, it makes me sad, but I'll just focus on the time I do have with them. Remember doing less hours will improve your chance of more custody, I'm only worried he'll get 50/50 as he's saying his hours will reduce. Otherwise it just doesn't make sense. My kids are 4 and 6.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Focus on emotionally detaching from him

ps, i know you want to talk to him as a way of getting rid of the anxiety but that keeps you in the loop, keeps you like the rat in the cage pressing the button that releases the sugar. INSTEAD, from now, be conscious of the anxiety that you're feeling, who is causing it and literally sit with that discomfort until you notice it easing. It will, I promise you. Mediations, yoga, a walk, time passing, a comedy on netflix, drawing with your kids........ bit by tiny bit the anxiety will ease. I know it's an excruciating feeling but if you return to the source of your anxiety trying to force some breif connection that will easy it, then you are still stuck, still reliant on him to ease you anxiety. Learn that it will eventually pass. Send that message to your core self that you can handle this and you can notice it lessening and you will get there. Regardless of any conversation you have with him. What you're aiming for is to be in control of your own emotions so do not go back to him looking for him to ease your pain right now. I hope this sounds kind because I don't want it to come across as a ''reprimand'' but this is the mistake I made until I realised I was just keeping on going back to the vomit. I couldn't heal. I couldn't get stronger until I stopped trying to make him understand what an arse he was. He still thinks he's great and that I left him on a whim and destroyed his life but I could not give one single solitary shit any more. His distorted mindset is his business. I'm in a good place.
Wishing you a lot of strength xx

I left when DC were 4 and 14 months. He had just become increasingly irritated and bad tempered in the 7 years I'd known him. I realised that he couldn't handle family life, he wanted everything in the house to be perfect even with two small DC, he blamed me for everything, he controlled all the money......
So yeh, he did try to go for residency except while it was being sorted he couldn't even take both of them out, he wanted me to come too. If he threatens to go for full custody say ''yes, I'd quite like the break half the week, the opportunity to work, earn, save, some freetime, I'd like that, it'll be better for all of us'' even if it fills you with so much fear. I played it all wrong. BEGGED him not to put us through all of this so of course that is precisely what he did. A few tough years but I have never regretted leaving him. He was an arse. He was too lazy for toddlers and children but he cannot connect with them now they're older. He was only ok between ages of about 7 and 11

Left (well, managed to get him to move out actually but then paid mortgage on my own for a few years until he was able to buy me out) when I had 3 year old twins, 5 yr old and 11 yr old.

It was hard. He made my life very difficult. He told lies about me to other people.

He threatened 50% or full custody at times but I eventually called his bluff and then he left it, being an EOW dad was more than enough for him as he didn’t like the hard work of looking after them.

I am so glad I did it and so proud of myself for getting out. Happily remarried and enjoying every second of it, with my DC witnessing a happy relationship where I am treated well (and them, he is a great stepdad),

Get legal advice, and then move ahead just taking it one step at a time.

I left when my DC were 1, 2 and 4. Fifteen years later and I have no regrets. Your story is very similar to mine. Please LTB, it’s better for your DC not to model an abusive relationship as they grow up.

Get some counselling to support your decision-making/mental health. It is very hard to leave. Hard to know the DC are there alone. From when they were at school, my eldest DC had an old mobile phone so they could call me if there was an emergency with their DF.

My DC only ever had EOW with their DF, it was not easy to negotiate (via solicitors) but I was adamant I wanted to minimise their exposure to his poor behaviour/ abuse. Years later and two of the DC have chosen to have no relationship with their DF - it is sad but his behaviour just is so unpleasant (to put it mildly).

I hope that my DC make better choices in their DPs than I did.

The fact you are contemplating leaving shows you know what is best overall for your DC.

I hope this thread encourages you to think about leaving. Crashing around with a lot if noise can be a way abusive men remind you of the possibility of violence- don’t know if this applies to your partner but it’s definitely something I’ve experienced. Has he been violent in the past, doesn’t have to be directly to you.