Anyone leave their horrible DH when their kids were little?

Thank you so much for this!!! I have 2 DD’s both under 4, and whilst he isn’t a bad man, he is so incredibly grumpy and selfish and I hate the thought of the girls growing up thinking that this is how it’s ok for men to be.
Trying to get my ducks in a row to leave. It’s hard at the moment as I’m a SAHM and trying to return to work but self employed.

It’s lovely to hear you’re all doing so well after that initial post!

Hi! We actually separated, around a year after this post. Obviously it was difficult and I feel guilty all the time for splitting up the family, but it was making me ill and I couldn’t bare for my kids to grow up thinking that was normal family life. Oldest DD’s are now 13 & 11 and their eyes are well and truly open to how their dad is - he isn’t actually a bad person, just not great at being a parent I guess. He has the children EOW and spends a bit more time with our son (8) purely because the girls don’t want to go there any more than that. I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, and don’t really have any advice other than be there for your little girl 💐because my daughters are my absolute best friends, tell me everything/anything and we have lots of fun together. The house instantly felt lighter when he left.

Old thread but my DD is 4 and also does what your DD does and i find it really sad! How is your DD getting on now - is she still like this with her dad?

I left when our little boy was five. It was difficult and terrifying. I could not have stayed in that marriage - I was losing my confidence, personality, joy and was really lonely.

I'm glad you came back, @kMix , and well done for speaking to the solicitor. What do you think was on the browsing history? I've been where you are and it's always so tempting to think that things might get better but my experience was that I just found myself back at the same place again and again, kicking myself.

Nasty abusive men are verybsensitive to their victims moods.

He can sense you are pulling away, distracted, thinking about your future.

He senses that he has over stepped and needs to pull back.

He is sad and pensive to try and elicit sympathy.

He knows that he needs you more than you need him.

Its likely he doesn't want to divorce.

Not because he loves you or the children or gives a damn about any of you, more that it suits HIM.

The only person her is concerned about his himself.

He wants to lure you into thinking things can improve.

It won't.

He's a nasty abusive prick and this is your life and will be your life until you want to change things.

Keep posting whenever you like.

We are here.

You can do this.

Did you have any luck with the solicitor today, @kMix ?

Please listen to @billy1966 and get him out as soon as possible. Do not let him continue to abuse your children. I was that child and my mum did nothing.

We are a family when he shouts all the time. Yeah right.

Keep posting here OP.

Good idea to get a SHB if it ends up going to court 😎

OP. I earned twice what ex H did and I got 55% of the assets and kept my larger pension, and certainly didn't pay any maintenance (he pays CMS). It depends on individual circumstances. I have the kids full time. Done on my own, but got a shit hot barrister in right at the end.

Yep he will sense you pulling away and up the anti and turn on the emotional guilt screws.

Ah - god - I just did a divorce finance calculator thing and it told me I would have to pay him maintenance. wtf.

Please don't just rely on an online divorce finance calculator thing!

Educate yourself, collect the financial documentation, and have a one time consultation with an experienced family solicitor. At least you'll have clarity about where you stand and can plan accordingly.

Do it now, while the children are little. It'll only get more difficult if you delay.

Only if he had the DC 50:50 and then he would have to pay for nursery, clothing etc for his days etc. usually when DC are 50:50 neither parent pays maintenance?

Evidence that you are primary parent and in reality 50:50 is not best for such young DC.

Don't stress.

Keep specific note of having to take the car keys with you any time you leave the house as he will DUI even with the children.

This is not the time to be generous towards him.

Total character assassination if necessary.

Keep thinking of him screaming at your child if you feel any compassion seeping in!

I hate this man. And I don’t even know him.

get him out. How dare he terrify your children? What a vile disgusting individual

please ask him for some space

tell him you need to think things over

he will always be dysfunctional

he became this way because he was exposed to exactly the same thing as he is exposing to your children

this is the cycle of abuse, father abusive, teaches son to be abusive

you don’t want your children growing up to be abusive or falling into relationships with abusers

the longer you stay the more likely this is to happen

I can’t help you decide about the finances.

But with reference to the children, what is his family like?

When my BIL separated and had weekend custody of his DD of about 5years, he started coming to stay with us regularly. Ideal for him as my DD was only a couple of years older. He had his brother to drink with, my Dd to amuse his Dd, and obviously me doing all the cooking and childcare. I didn’t mind as I had the welfare of his little girl at heart. But it made me see him differently. But his Dd had a lovely time with us when he had custody.

So has he family that he would use like this, and thus your children would be protected from his bad moods. Do you have a good relationship with your mil that you could talk to and perhaps would keep an eye on things?

@kMix - leave now, while the children are little and require hands on care. He won't want to bother with that - not 50% of the time anyway, or even 20%. Don't wait till they're old enough to be parked in front of a TV or fobbed of with iPads and Playstations.

You are an intelligent woman and will be able to do a fair bit of legwork with the divorce paperwork, thus saving on lawyer fees. Educate yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, websites of divorce law firms, etc. Gather all your financial documents: bank statements, investments, tax stuff, mortgage and so on. (Do you have proof of your financial contribution to the house deposit?)

Then see an experienced family solicitor and go from there. You can do this!

Can you and the kids go and stay somewhere safe while you ask him to move out? Is there a friend or family more local than parents you could stay with? Do you need to stay close to your work or can you wfh?

Might be better not to involve your parents too much if your dad’s drinking and your mam’s more worried about the money.

I don't think I said hide it?? I actually meant cash in her bank account where she has access to it potentially to move out and rent or if she ends up in a refuge.

Be aware he will escalate the nasty/nice unpredictable cycle once he senses you are detaching.

Please speak to woman's aid and Rights of Women find out what you need to evidence an occupation order so he needs to move out whilst finances and divorce are sorted.

You do realise hiding money pre divorce is against the law?

Not saying don't do it, but be very careful.

Could you leave and rent somewhere while starting divorce proceedings? He can't fight the divorce now as its a no fault system, so you should keep the costs mininal. If he gets joint custody its no different from him looking after them while you are at work, and he would soon be bored with it, and take them less often. The house sale will be forced and you will get half. Maybe enough to buy on your own.