To ask my partner for a vasectomy

female serialisation is linked with a slightly raised risk of ectopic pregnancy. That is life threatening.

The preferred method nowadays is full bilateral salpingectomy i.e total removal of the tubes, which I would have thought carries zero risk of ectopic.

I deduced it from, ”did she appreciate it? No.”

Just seemed oddly snippy if it’s about someone you don’t dislike, especially as you’re trying to get it reversed so you can have kids, and you say your partner did it for his ex wife. It stands to reason there’s be ill-feeling. Especially as she apparently didn’t ‘appreciate’ it.

Yabu

We need to be able to have autonomy over our bodies, and not feel pressured, guilt tripped or shamed into having procedures or things done that we don't want, whatever the reason.

I'm done with kids, don't want the pill/coil etc. I haven't used the old "I've done my part having kids" guilt trip because that just makes no sense. I don't want to get sterilised, he doesn't want a vasectomy (and we both know men who have had life long complications as a result.)

We use condoms and ovulation tracking and its worked for the last 10 years

Female sterilisation involves a serious amount of anaesthesia either general
or maybe spinal ( not sure how many done under spinal these days if not part of planned c-section). General Anaesthesias are high risk and spinal for some people can be really debilitating for 2-3 days with serious headaches that need treatment. You’ll need 4-5 days off work minimum. Sterilisation in men is a local anaesthetic- very low risk and 1-2 days off work. Even then they’d probably be able to wfh on day 2 as mostly it’s swelling in the scrotam . For women it will be anaesthesia affecting all the body and brain

For women an incision needs to be made through the abdomen- no matter how small that carries risk of infection and adhesions (particularly, if like me you’ve already got a mess of adhesions from c-sections. There is also the risk of nicking or damage to other organs in pelvis - small but does happen . For men a small incision is made in external scrotam. There is no other organs to damage, no pelvis tissues that are particularly susceptible to adhesions. yes, there is a small risk of infection still- but the risk is much lower and less potential for extreme infections that go undetected until serious, than that with women

female serialisation is linked with a slightly raised risk of ectopic pregnancy. That is life threatening.

Major complications with vasectomisie are rare - you hear about the failures and not the many trouble free procedures

male sterilisation can theoretically be reversed depending on technique. Woman’s can’t.

women sterilisation is more expensive. Becuase it needs a skilled surgeon and general anaesthetic with anaesthetist and theatre staff, and recovery time on ward even as day case. Unless you are opened up with planned c-section it is something you’d have to persuade GP to do based on your partner opting out of taking responsibility . I think vasectomies cost NHS around £500, whilst female sterilisation is £4000 ish, say10 times more.

fail

And some men make anti-sperm antibodies after a vasectomy so even ICSI/IVF/reversal will afil

As I’ve already mentioned this can only be done in the course of IVF/ICSI. You can’t just rock up to the GP and ask to have some sperm removed.

This!

I think you’re right. If a woman is 100% sure she doesn’t want more children and her partner has a vasectomy, if they subsequently split (which is statistically not that unlikely) she’ll be in the same position of needing to prevent pregnancy if she meets someone new, so why not fix the issue once and for all and get sterilised? That’s what taking responsibility for your own fertility means, surely?

I think some do have the op done under GA.
Dp mentioned it took 35 mins under local.
Interestingly the surgeon who carried out the original op, carried out the VR.

How many women have you met that have come out of pregnancies and childbirth without ANY issues. And now eliminate any remaining women who have also issues with contraception, abortions, miscarriages etc. include the ones you don’t know. Not a lot.

your statistical sampling is swayed towards seeing people WITH issues…not a reprentation of the thousands of men who have no issues at all with vasectomies.
we need to stop wrapping men up in cotton wool
if he wants sex still after children a man needs to reconginise that he now needs to take some of the costs of that and stop the sense of entitlement he’s had for years previously

OP I am sorry for upsetting you. I as a fellow woman stand by everything I said as I hate seeing women being treated badly, but I am sorry I upset you. I hope you can reach an agreement that works for you.

@Foreveranxious22 noted and once again, I am sorry if my posts upset you.

I would be lying if I said my own experiences hadn't influenced my stance. Naturally, that is part of how we develop opinions. But my point on bodily autonomy stands and that is something we do seem to agree on. Anyway, I wanted to say you have been incredibly even-handed in your approach to this thread. I hope you and your dh come to a conclusion that works for you both and your family.

Does DP fears not matter?

What fear? He said the thought of it gives him the “Ick”. That’s not fear.

They are two very different things.

If he’s genuinely scared of having it done then you both beed to explore what it is that he’s afraid of so you can move forwards.

It’s a 10 minute procedure where he’s awake. I imagine it takes longer to have a filling done at the dentists than it does to have a vasectomy so what about it scares him? There’s no general anaesthetic to fear which would be a genuine reason for not wanting a procedure.

Is he scared of pain from having the injection of local anaesthetic? (and if so, that is pretty pathetic if he’s using that as an excuse).

Is he afraid of pain afterwards? Well that’s what paracetamol and ibuprofen are for which are drugs you’ve probably taken taken 100 times over when dealing with contraception side effects, periods, losses, pregnancies and birth.

Is he afraid of doing it because deep down he doesn’t want to rule out the idea of having more children in the future? (Be it won’t you or someone else).

What exactly is it he is afraid of?

I haven't read all the thread but skipped 'pages'. I had a vasectomy 20 years ago and as a person who actually fainted after a plain simple blood test (level of squeamish) can confirm that the procedure itself was mostly painless (less than the dentist!) and apart from being 'delicate' for a day or two (and painted with iodine!) not really a big deal. I would say to the OP that your DP should have it done. I was a 'stay at home dad' and really enjoyed it. Divorced after 16 years post birth but heigh ho.

At no stage did I say women's mental health struggles are always due to men, @MacroTwigg . At no stage. However on those threads I mentioned, it clearly, by those OPs' own admissions, a very big part of it.

It's not about the vasectomy, and you know it. It's about staying with a man that doesn't love you or care about you.
How can you model a good relationship when you stay with a man that doesn't love you or respect you? It's all one-sided, and on some level you must know that. You don't have a good loving relationship, that's the point. He lies to you, and doesn't care about your health or respect you. So glad you respect him, considering he doesn't respect you, and you know it. How is that any type of 'good loving relationship'? I'm ok, I'm sure glad I don't have that type of 'good loving relationship'.

@CatsandFish your comments are not 'truthful' to the OP though. No one is lying to her. Consider the poster you are berating aggressively. Not a random idea that her mental health struggles must be because of a man.

Perhaps the reason women struggle with their mental health is that are with someone who is selfish and doesn't care about them
*
Mental health is complex area and it's completely* insulting to not only women, but to HCP's treating those patients, to suggest that women's mental health struggles are always due to men.

Poster requests you take the foot of the pedal. Yet you carry on, under the disguise of you know what's best.
That's just not kind at all.

I'm in the same position OP. We simply do not have sex any more, for me the risk of pregnancy is not worth it. I could get my tubes tied, but it would be the last nail in the coffin if he allowed me to go ahead with an operation when he has seen me go all the problems I had during pregnancy/birth. I don't think I could bring myself to sleep with him again.

I hope he will do the right thing and take his turn or it will break our marriage.

I'm sorry you think that wanting girls to be raised to know their worth is 'low ball'. That is very sad if you truly think that. Very, very sad. You simply don't want to see what I am saying because I think you know deep down it's true. There is never anything 'low ball' about reminding our fellow sisters to be the role models our daughters need. There are so many threads on this site with women in relationships with men who either abuse them or simply don't care about them and their needs or appreciate and respect them, and some of these women admit they'd rather be in a relationship with their spouse that doesn't care about them, than being alone. That gets passed on from one generation to the next, and our daughters (and sons) watch us. If you get angry at me pointing this out, I think it says more about what you know deep down, than me. It is never 'low ball' to remind a fellow sister to have self respect and to model that to her children. That, is actually basic common sense.

You're right, but do you also think it's helpful to lie to the OP?

You don't need to lie to the OP. Plenty of women have been able to give the OP their honest opinion without berating her DP. People have suggested workarounds and solutions and helpful advice and the OP has communicated respectfully with every single person.

She doesn't need to be told horrible things about her partner when this is the only gripe she has with him. Yes it's a big deal but it's their issue to overcome together.

You seem to spend an inordinate amount of time telling other people what to do!
There are around 12-20,000 allowing for-variation, vasectomies a yr carried out in the UK, with between 5-20% reversed. Which is a significant number. It's quite a cottage industry.
Having spent the best part of 14 months going through this process we are well aware of our choices.
Reversal is cheaper and has better odds, both of us are typically healthier than others in our age range. The reversal was recommended in our circumstances.
The next stop may well be ICSI.
And no we're NOT going to adopt, or foster, and no I didn't want to pick someone else. Dp is fine, a gem.
I can understand fully why the op wishes her husband to have a vasectomy, however, the nasty language, coercion and manipulation, and in-plain-sight bullying from certain posters don't sit well with me.