To ask my partner for a vasectomy

The vasectomy is easily reversed if the man chooses to leave the relationship & wants more kids. Female sterilisation is not!

Female sterilisation is also major surgery where as a vasectomy is done with local anaesthetic & over in 5 mins!
My friends husband is massively squeamish but he had it done & was back grafting on a building site 4 days later!

Just to throw this into the mix 1 in 10 vasectomies end in long term pain, ED or other issues (nerve based) that cannot be rectified even with additional surgeries.

This is from the NHS website.

And yes I know of several men that have had this including one that had to have his balls scraped

This is just for information and to make sure all of the facts are known.

Some years ago there was a poster that would post on these threads detailing the issues and pain that he had and still was going through

The pill is clearly not working for you and so you should not take it. But as others have said, asking someone to make themselves infertile is quite an ask - his feelings are also valid and it should be his choice.

A pill or vasectomony are not your only choices. I came off the pill nearly 2 years ago and have been using Natural Cycles to track menstrual cycle and avoid sex in fertile days - it always errs on the side of caution so if it's not sure it'll tell you to abstain on that day. Used correctly it's as effective as the pill. (Now I'm actually using it to TTC)

This.

It does happen more often than you think.

My partner had 1 and has had sperm granulomas since. It’s caused pain, he’s been on medication that had a side effect that made him lose control of his bladder as he didn’t get the sensation to pee from the medication, he’s had scans and they have said final step is further operation but will only explore that if it becomes much worse. So far he can live with it so hasn’t opted to operate due to possible further complications.

his feelings and fear are valid and no one should dismiss that. It’s unfair. We live in a world where we say a women’s body is her own so her choice but yet when it comes to a man it isn’t?
what happens if you split and he meets someone and wants another baby? It can happen.

My partner made the choice himself as I couldn’t take hormonal contraception and he got fed up of condoms.

and for the record you need to have plenty of sex using a condom for 6 - 12 months to help flush the live sperm from the body after a vasectomy. That was written on my partners discharge notes and it made me laugh so hard as of course he flaunted that in my face saying doctors orders.

What a selfish prat. My DH had the snip- he was in and out in about 3 hours, and totally back to normal after a week or so. It’s such a minor procedure compared to what the pill does to your body. I was so cross when they pulled the research into the male pill because of the side effects- which were considerably lower than the female pill 🙄
I know it will hurt you to decline sex but really, you’ve born the responsibility for 10 years and now it’s time for him to put his big boy pants on or suffer the consequences of no penetrative sex.

I'm sorry the wimpy prick is being a dick. My DH had a vasectomy after number 4; never looked back. Our eldest son recently had his (on his dad's recommendation ) . Contraception is only one bonus. The other, is a lifetime of spontaneous, relaxed, enjoyable and FREQUENT sex. No condom, no calendar, no counting...

If he won't play ball, The Pill is not your only contraceptive option. You could consider an IUD; or female sterilisation under local anaesthetic.

Hello! Know you’re not commenting anymore, but just thought I’d share my experience - like you, I can’t really cope with hormonal contraception for mental health reasons. Gradually realised after years of the pill, then the implant (which was supposed to be better as lower dose, but wasn’t). I have very heavy periods and the implant stopped them completely, which was amazing - but the mental health impacts were so bad that I stopped it anyway. I considered a coil, but rejected mirena as afraid of even v low dose hormones, and the copper coil because of risk of even heavier periods.

So i then used Natural Cycles - which is a fertility tracker using your temperature BUT ALSO a predictive algorithm which says when safe/not to have sex. It’s licensed as a contraceptive and is almost as safe as condoms when used correctly. It’s not the same as the rhythm method, which everybody always jumps on as unreliable. I was fortunate to use it three times to conceive in the first month of trying - and have had no scares in 6 years of not trying. I would recommend if you want an alternative to condoms in the meantime.

all that said, I have slightly started to resent the admin faff of being responsible for taking temps and putting data in the app - so have started my campaign for DH to get a vasectomy. He is dragging his feet a bit but I think will come round. Share the views of some people in the thread that at some point you don’t want it to always be your burden.

It's a big ask for any partner to go sterile (their body, their decision) and not necessarily being squeamish. If you are positively sure you don't want any more children, maybe consider having your tubes tied. I had 2 normal pregnancies but 2 ectopic which resulted in losing both tubes. Decision made for me by the forces above but contraceptive pill had never agreed with me also.

Can’t bear that poor squeamish husband is iffy about getting a small (reversible) snip but is presumably fine with you shoving a bit of barbed wire (copper or gold, whatever) up your vag.

Why should she have to? It's time for her partner to step up and have a vasectomy. She has done more than her fair share.

Why don't you get a copper (hormone free) coil. I have one and its the best contraception I have ever had. My periods have luckily stayed the same...took just 1 or 2 months for them to settle.

YANBU and your partner is selfish to be consistently putting this on you. Bring ‘squeamish’ is simply not an acceptable excuse. Vasectomies are a largely a relatively straightforward procedure and might be best option for you both if you have both finished your families. For those saying ‘it’s unreasonable to push fertility on someone’ it’s unreasonable to expect someone to have to run the risk of being pregnant to satisfy your own sexual needs yet here we are. Male vasectomies are more easily reversed than women being sterilised so often is the better option for couples. That being said you may want to look at all of your own options too as there is a period following the procedure when they are not reliable and if you do fall pregnant then the risks of pregnancy are entirely on you.

The Mirena/IUD is a very effective method of contraception which is why it has been used so much. The copper coil is also effective but is associated with more heavy painful periods. But everyone is different. Condoms are good for protecting against STIs but are not the most reliable method of contraception and have a high failure rate in comparison to other methods of contraception.

It might be worth looking at the NHS website at what is available then going to see your GP or nip to your local family planning centre to explore the contraception that is best for you. Maybe you could book a joint appointment with your partner so that you can also discuss his option of a vasectomy. GPs don’t get long per appointment so, if you choose to go down that route, it might be worth booking a double appointment so that you both have more time.

I would add however that as your partner isn’t being very fair atm I would be refraining from any sexual intercourse until all this is sorted, but that is just my personal opinion.

Good luck OP. It’s a difficult situation to be in but I hope you can find a suitable solution that works for you both.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/which-method-suits-me/

I think you need to put it on him to sort. You’ve been through so much surely he can take some of the responsibility now. I came off the pill when I got married in order to conceive. After we had our family (three in quick succession) I told my husband I wouldn’t got back to the pill. I suffered terrible weight gain and migraines and mood swings and was fed up trying different ones. So for the first time I put it on him. He used condoms until he decided to go for the snip. I would never have forced the snip on him as it’s such a permanent thing but there are different ways to avoid the pill while still ensuring you don’t get pregnant.

I suppose the ultimate worse case scenario @TheWitchersWife , if you're both young, would be what if you & both your kids die in an awful car crash? (God forbid it ever happens!) Then I guess, after many years of being heart-broken, your DH might want to start a new family. We waited til DH was 40 then the GP was more than happy to get him on the waiting list etc. It's a sensitive subject but I don't think women should stay on hormonal contraceptives that might cause breast cancer in the longterm just cos a man feels a little squeamish about a small medical procedure. I bet the sweep I had to bring on labour for my second DC was more painful! (Absolute agony - I felt like I'd been assaulted)

This. Well said.

I can’t believe some of the advice on here.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you and your DH to discuss the different options. Hormonal contraceptive was bloody awful for me (I had the pill and then the mirena coil). I changed to having a copper coil in 2014 and it's been fine for me. Good peace of mind that I wouldn't get pregnant (not that I've needed to worry about that for over 3yrs, as I've been single!). I didn't have bad side effects from it either (I get really painful periods anyway, always have done due to PCOS). I think that once the 10yrs is up on this coil, I'll probably get another put in just for peace of mind (and in case I change my mind about remaining single/celibate!!). Whatever you guys decide, good luck!

Hi I've known 3 men have it done. Not one had a problem.

One had a reversal, it worked, he had a kid with his new wife.

I know the subject is a sensitive one but I can’t agree with you.

Its unfair of you to expect him to get a medical procedure he isn’t comfortable with, as with him expecting you to be on a pill your also not happy with.

Me and my husband are in a similar position, he is considering the snip but isn’t comfortable at this moment with it, I respect that. I don’t want to be on the pill or any other form of contraception after the birth of our daughter 3 years ago, after 16 years on contraception I wanted to give myself a break.

We have talked and explained our reasons and both respect each other to come to the agreement that for now we use condoms it isn’t ideal but it’s something we can agree on for now.

As for all these people suggesting to the person who wanting advice to with hold sex, wow, that’s wrong on so maybe levels and as someone above commented definitely controlling and coercive behaviour. Blackmailing someone into a medical procedure they don’t want just so they have feel close and make love to you. You need to take a real look at yourself.

Don’t sleep with him until he gets it done :) I’m sure he’ll be running to the doctors in no time.

YANBU

its quite scary how all these contraceptive for women change our hormones and effect our mental health. I was on the combined pill for years and had no problems. Went on the mini pill after having 2 of my children and it gave my bad anxiety and moods.
I’ve now got the copper coil and I have no side effects lucky. My periods are very light and don’t last long. But most of all my hormones seem a lot better now.

After my third CS DH and I agreed we didn't want any more children and that he'd have the snip. We'd had a similar conversation after our second but he wouldn't go. It turned out that neither of us really felt we were done with having children.

Maybe you need an honest conversation with him to find out why he's so opposed. Is he keeping his options open for the future, either with you or possibly someone else if your future doesn't pan out as hoped? Much as that might hurt to think about, I wouldn't have considered infertility after just one child, when I was younger as I knew I wanted more. Maybe he doesn't feel complete yet.

As for the op, DH was in and out so quickly. I waited outside for him and he walked out, feeling just a little bruised. It really isn't anything to worry about

He shouldn’t have agreed unless he was sure.

This is the thing though - the view on here seems to be that it doesn’t matter if he’s not sure, he should do it for the sake of his partner anyway.

Why does society - especially men - believe that contraception is the sole responsibility of women??? Conception needs both male and female involved so logic suggests that both men and women need to be responsible for its prevention.

Synthetic hormones make me suicidal and there is no money or menopausal symptom (and trust me there are MANY) that would make me take them again. So it is absolutely a known issue.

If he is worried about the snip then, as others have said, then the only 100% effective contraception is abstinence. Or perhaps he’d like to fill his body with synthetic hormones?

It sounds to me that the thing OP is most upset about is the fact that OH has lied about starting the process. It’s understandable that he’s worried about it, but they need to TALK to each other.

As an aside, I’ve had an endometrial ablation which makes pregnancy pretty much impossible, and a massive upside is that I’ve not had a period for six years! So perhaps there’s that possibility.

I'd find it so hard to respect someone that did this. Contraceptive options are SO hard on women and vasectomies are a short appointment at your GP.
I can't take the pill, have horrendous periods anyway so can't have copper coil, condoms carry a risk, so my DH booked and organised and had a vasectomy (that he was really worried about having, but was absolutely fine) because he's not selfish.
Re the coil, due to aforementioned menstrual issues, a consultant tried to get a coil in (that I didn't really want) I went into cervical shock and have heard so many horror stories about coils that I would really avoid them if you can. A friend of mine had awful symptoms and constant pain and bleeding but they refused to take it out, she was in so much distress she tried getting it out herself.
Vasectomy is the obvious option. Sore balls for a few days is nothing compared to what women have to go through to avoid pregnancy. Female sterilisation is much more risky and complicated.
All the best OP. Hope your DH bucks his ideas up 💐

He shouldn’t have agreed unless he was sure.

DH doesn’t want one and I’m like you with hormonal methods but we use condoms (genetically disabled kids and I am old but not quite too old biologically), if he’d agreed then changed his mind though I would be angry.