To ask my partner for a vasectomy

Yes it still exists but I presume a lot of people don't do it as vasectomies tend to be free on the NHS but getting a female sterilization harder.

As it turns out I could have got mine on the NHS if I persuaded my GP to refer me and was prepared to wait over 15 months. Instead I opted to pay privately and it was done within a few weeks of the initial consultation.

YANBU to refuse to take the pill after it's caused bad side effects for you.
YANBU to want him to have a vasectomy.
Of course it's his body his choice, but it's unreasonable of him to say he'll do it but not even start the process (it's not as it he's discussed it with a HCP and changed his mind based on making an informed decision).

You can't control what he does but you can refuse PIV sex, or perhaps abstain from PIV during your fertile window and use condoms at other times.

FWIW, I have a hormonal coil called Kyleena, it's newer and lower dose than Mirena (but just as effective). I think the idea of the coil is that because it's in the uterus, it has fewer side effects than other hormonal contraception (like the pill or the implant) that affect the whole baby. In any case, I don't have side effects on it. I got it fitted in a family planning clinic (not at GP) and my main concern was getting it removed if I wanted - they reassured me than I could have it taken out promptly. I would definitely recommend a family planning clinic over GP for this kind of thing.

He’s said no. The answer is no and you need to accept it.

Seems fair enough so long as he is choosing freely and accepting the consequences, which IMO are no PIV sex.

Many women tend to need more stimulation for orgasm anyway so no harm done.

Yes, I'm aware, and sterilisation should always be regarded as irreversible. I'm comparing it to LARC - IUDs, implants, the injection. When an IUD is less likely to fail than female sterilisation, cheaper, less risky, and can be whisked out again in a flash, why would you do female sterilisation? Which is exactly the NHS's position now.

Perhaps you should mention that you are also 'squeamish' and don't fancy the risk of miscarriage or another pregnancy and giving birth or electing for an abortion. None of which are less squeamish inducing and carry far more risks than a simple procedure like a vasectomy.

The PP who suggested a fucking hysterectomy as an alternative needs some therapy!

I don't get it. Why not go for the female sterilisation and have your fallopian tubes sealed? It is often done during a c-section, but you can have it done at any time
Am I missing something ? Does it no longer exist?

And those saying vasectomies are easy they might be, although I was sterilised as a day patient with only overnight stay as booked in too late in the day to go home.

When I looked into it there could be complications with vasectomies just with any other procedure so I don't think you can just discount them because the actual procedure happens to take a bit less time.

I've had 4 DC and 3 m/c. My last pg, I was really poorly. I'm sorry but after periods for x amount of years, contraception that gave me lots of bowel problems, umpteen problems connected to baby making equipment, pregnancy symptoms, labour, post labour including breastfeeding which I completely struggled with and the menopause looming, there was no way I was going to put something else into my body. DH had a vasectomy.

Yes, I couldn't make him have it, it is his body, but he also can't make me have sex either.

I was asking aibu in asking him in the first place as I’d done my own research on vasectomy’s and didn’t think they sounded that bad.

They’re not. It’s an in-and-out job.

I never wanted children and found hormone contraception was giving me horrendous headaches during the pill free week. I decided that enough was enough and DH and I talked through our options for permanent non hormonal contraception.

We both researched vasectomies and female sterilization and came to the conclusion that if there were any complications then it would be far easier for me to have them due to sick leave and private medical insurance so we opted for that. I was also of the view that an unwanted pregnancy would impact my life far more than his so it was in my interest to make sure it didn't happen.

DH would have had a vasectomy if it was the better option agreed by BOTH of us.

With any surgical procedure, especially one so final, it must be ultimately that persons decision so if your DP doesn't want one you need to look at your options and decide what to do for you alone.

None of those things are going to risk him having to go through anything like pregnancy or miscarriage, are they. They're not comparable.

If he said he wasn't having sex with her until she went back on the pill because he doesn't want more children that would be fine to abstain.

Use condoms and use them properly. Why on earth would you take oral contraception that doesn't agree with you, or your partner have surgery he doesn't want to, when you could both just learn to use condoms competently!

Could you try natural cycles alongside condoms? That's what we did successfully between planned pregnancies.

You'll learn when you're not fertile and when to avoid sex to avoid conception.

If you get a copper coil, there are no hormones involved that could affect your mental health. Hormonal contraceptives mess me up as well but I have been fine with the copper coil, just a bit more bloating. It’s definitely worth a try if you want to keep having sex.

Its understandable that your pissed off with your dp for agreeing to something when he had no intention of doing it, but you would be wrong to try and pressure him into having a procedure he doesn’t want.

If she only wants safe snipped penises that’s upto her.

Absolutely. So they need to split up.

YABU I'm afraid

If you were do certain you were done after your second child and struggle with contraception then why didn't you request your tubes were tied?

If you weren't prepared to have a permanent procedure why should he?

Refusing sex till a women got a boob job isn’t the same as refusing sex till a permanent 99% contraception is sorted.

One of those stops a women getting pregnant so you no if you to her what penis can or cannot enter her body. If she only wants safe snipped penises that’s upto her.

The other option would be for OP to get sterilised. Whichever would make it permanent. I was going to do this until I ended up with a traumatic birth with my youngest. DH said he would just get a vasectomy so we could just move on.

Wow so your dp is happy for you to go through two full term pregnancies and a miscarriage, with all the dangers that entails, and have 10 years of issues with the pill, but won't go in for a 20 minute procedure. Tbh I'd stop having sex with him until he sorts himself out.

Dp had the procedure done for his family and ex-wife. Did she appreciate the act? No. I agree, according to him the vasectomy was non-inavsive.
We've just paid to have it reversed at a cost of over £20000 inc loss of earnings and physical complications.

Obviously no one should be forced to have surgery they do not want. However your husband is selfish. Vasectomy is a minor operation, done quickly with a local anaesthetic, as a walk/walk out case it’s that comfortable.
I’m sure there would be the option to have a general anaesthetic, or sedation as He’s nervous.
My husband walked in and walked out while I waited in the car for him.
OP please show him this thread and refuse sex until he is on board with the idea.
hormonal contraceptives are not something you should have to take for the rest of your young life, if they are making you miserable.

@girlmom21 Right ok. So if a husband said to his wife he wouldn’t fuck her until she dyed her hair/got a boob job/quit her job/had an abortion that would be okay would it?

No, it wouldn’t.

Sex is an integral part of any relationship. If you’re going to refuse to engage in it then you need to split up.

So I suppose OP’s options are get the procedure herself, use another form of contraception, or split up.

Mine offered but never made the appointment so when he wanted me to book him in for something else I told him sure but I’d also book that too as a double appointment. He was fine with that for some reason.

went in for his referral as he presumably answered all the questions right and 2 months later he was snipped. Had it done 30minutes later we went shopping and he was at work the next day.

so it our case he was just soo scaredy cat to make that first appointment.