To ask my partner for a vasectomy

@CatsandFish Condoms are effective if used properly and can also be used with avoiding fertile times. Either don't have PIV at all, or avoid your fertile times. No need for anyone to be taking drugs or having permanent surgical procedures which they may regret later on. It really isn't that difficult. Why are you acting like OP has no choice but to have sex and risk pregnancy?

What if, god forbid, anything happened to any of his existing children? You are being deliberately obtuse about why people may come to regret sterilisation or choose to have more children.

Just use condoms and the cap?

If you're not willing to get tubal litigation then YABU to expect him to have a vasectomy.

The benefit of you getting your tubes tied is that if/when you split up, you won't have to worry about getting pregnant with a new partner.

This is such a tough one, as it is his body and he has every right not to have one.

However, I really feel for you and in your position I would want him to get the snip.
Like you, I can’t take hormonal contraceptives. I had a terrible time in my twenties and would never touch them again, my mental health was damaged for years after. I did have a copper coil (before having kids). I wouldn’t have the mirena as it contained hormones too. The copper one was…okay. I had very very heavy periods. I’m talking super plus tampons and sanitary towels needed and the tampons needed changing every few hours. They were also very painful. This isn’t the case for everyone of course, but was my experience. Was worth it tho as we did want kids and it was basically one of my only contraceptive options.

I didn’t want one again after we had kids tho, and thankfully dh had a vasectomy. We used condoms for a while, but had a few scares, and that was just terrifying, as I know 100% I don’t want more children, but the thought of termination is horrible for me to contemplate, and is a decision I never want to have to make. So I really feel for you, as I totally understand your position of wanting him to get the snip. I know we both feel so much better now we know we’re pretty much 100% safe.

it’s such a hard one. I think you need a really calm yet frank sit down with your husband to spell it out to him. It’s unreasonable for him to expect you to take a pill daily which affects your quality of life, when he could have discomfort for a few days and then be completely fine (I know there is a chance of complications but they are very rare). It’s honestly such a tiny operation. My husband had it done at the local doctors surgery and was in and out in about 15 minutes!

I hope you can get him to see that, if he wants your sex life to continue, he needs to really consider doing this, as it isn’t fair for it all to be on you

@KimberleyClark I wouldn't know... but we now have a beautiful 6 month old DD, thanks to ICSI - oh and about £10,000.

He already has two children! How many more does he need? Pregnancy and childbirth/or abortion in the case of a condom break are far riskier. Why is it that men get all the bodily autonomy and women have none, having to take ALL the risks?

@notdaddycool 5% is nothing. The risk of permanent illness, injury and even death in pregnancy/childbirth is far greater than 5%.

@Kabalagala what if OP were to die, or they were to split up and he wanted more children but couldn't? Why does the woman get bodily autonomy but the man doesn't? Just use condoms FFS, or don't have sex! These are the only two solutions where neither party has to make an unacceptable or permanent solution.

Same as us. Just use condoms or refuse sex.

Well that's the risk he takes, isn't it, after having two children already, when his wife has taken far, far greater risks. Time he stood up to the plate and took his share of risk.

Absolutely.

This is us, as well.

The idea that the OP, or any women, should be prioritising some fictitious future women and her wish for children, over her own health and well-being - is laughable.

Regardless, his hypothetical future partner shouldn't be of any relevance. It's a decision that should be made for the two of them alone. If that's an excuse he's using then what kind of relationship is that

Shocking concept that it obviously is to women tethered to sub-standard men, but in loving, mutually satisfying relationships, women don’t need to ‘demand’ their man have a vasectomy.

The men are happy to do it, and in many cases, even suggest it themselves.

The reason I asked unthread as to the age of the Op and her partner is if under 40, I’m not sure I’d entertain either being sterilised. You just don’t know what the future holds. Worst case scenario op or her husband suddenly pass away and husband/wife meets someone else and wants to start another family. These things do happen.

DH and I had this discussion; it's an important one to have with permanent solutions. And neither of us want any more children, we have children and the idea of blended families, half siblings etc does not appeal at all. We don't want "another" family because whatever happens to either of us does not mean our current children cease to exist. DH and I are both quite adamant neither of us want more children, with each other or in any change of situation, we had our kids quite young and the thought of restarting is untenable!

@Kabalagala not saying she should. There are other choices. Ultimately if she wants to carry on having sex with him (and vice versa) they are going to have to reach a mutually suitable agreement, which clearly, vasectomy isn't.

DHs ex wife didn't want children. He had a vasectomy. She then left him for someone else...

Did she demand her had a vasectomy too I wonder.

Why on earth should she have to continue to pump synthetic hormones into her body, or undergo invasive surgery on the off chance that some hypothetical new wife wants kids. Absurd.
If that was a consideration for my husband, I wouldn't be married to him.

@hotteaandcrumpets Long term issues are extremely, extremely rare. There are more long term issues with tubes tied and hysterectomies. Speaking of, why the bloody hell should she have to go through with having her tubes tied or something so involved as a hysterectomy? Are you serious? How sexist, given how much the OP has already gone through, when having a Vasectomy is the safest and quickest form. Stop putting this all on the woman, it's his time to step up.

OP has clearly been through a lot. However no one should be forcing anyone to undergo sterilisation. There could well be unfortunate circumstances where you are no longer together and he wants to have more children with someone else. Speaking from direct experience, it is not as simple as "sucking the sperm" out of the testicles as pp suggests. Not enough sperm is recovered this way to do iui, so the only way it can be used is in ivf, specifically icsi. Therefore the husband's new partner would need to go through ivf (hint: ivf includes a lot if hormones and invasive procedures).

DHs ex wife didn't want children. He had a vasectomy. She then left him for someone else...

It can’t always be successfully undone. And there are people on this thread whose DPs have had reversals so must have thought at one point they didn’t want children. So it is most definitely not a moot point. And sperm aspiration is only done as part of IVF/ICSI. You can’t just go and have some sperm aspirated if you want to have another child. And it doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a child.

Any man who won’t get a vasectomy when his partner has been through what OP has been through is a coward.

Yes, indeed. And the women tethered to such cowards are - understandably - very defensive about it.

Once again - this is not about forcing squeamish, cowardly men to something against their will. It’s not about frog-marching them into a clinic, kicking and screaming.

It’s about pointing out the difference between good, decent men - who recognise it’s their turn, and who, OK, might be a bit nervous, but want to do it - and sub-standard specimens who simply opt out, and leave it all to the women.

It’s very much OK to have an extremely low opinion of the latter men.

It can be undone. In fact, it doesn't even need to be reversed these days, a doctor can use a needle and withdraw sperm direct if you want to have children.

But then again you wouldn't have a vasectomy unless you were sure you didn't want any more children, so it's a moot point.

@ZooMount He doesn't give a stuff about the 'side effects' of pregnancy and childbirth though, both which can cause permanent illness and death.

Why do women stay with these lazy selfish pigs?

It makes you unable to have children.

@AloysiusBear So you have to have a foreign object inserted in your uterus because your partner won't step up to the plate. That's sad. Also, a Vasectomy doesn't make you 'infertile'. You still produce sperm. It is just re-routed and absorbed in the body.