Page 12 | To ask my partner for a vasectomy

Foreveranxious22 · 2022-10-17T05:28:55+00:00

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please. My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children. I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill. Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

hellosunshineagainxxx · 17/10/2022 10:15

Magn · 17/10/2022 07:09

The pill was just as bad for me as the injection.

I really struggled to respect the men who won't get the snip for their partners after they've given birth. It's generally a sign of selfishness elsewhere.

Agree

MenopauseSucks · 17/10/2022 10:15

Well in an ideal world he would think
'right, my wife has gone through all the horrors of child birth, miscarriage plus pumping herself full of hormones that don't suit her, so now now it's time for me to step up to the plate'.
However he obviously doesn't want to have a vasectomy & you can't force him to have one which is annoying but hey, that's how the mind of a certain type of men works!
Could you use an App that tracks when you're ovulating?
During that time, any sexual activity is non-PIV.
The rest of the time, use condoms & maybe a diaphragm if you want to have PIV sex.

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:14

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:06

Great, you're caving again and going to let him get away with being a selfish ahole. You, have already taken on more than your share. Tell him it's either the snip, or no sex. Don't let him get away with being selfish and lazy. Don't even consider doing anything to yourself. You've done more than your fair share of risks. How can you even look him in the eye if he won't do this for you, after all you've been through!

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Part of me does agree, and I guess that’s why I made the thread. Been up since 4 with the baby, DP pissing me off, another week starting and he wasn’t showing signs of making moves to ring the gp and I just wanted other peoples advice. But I just can’t find it in me to get pissed off that he won’t do it. If it was him trying to make me do something I really didn’t want to do then I’d be upset. But then I’m upset that we made the deal and nothing from him. I don’t know @CatsandFish its just a lot I guess. I have asked him to get in touch this morning (even do an eConsultation) and he said he will. Also I wouldn’t say I’m a push over type of partner, I just know him so well I can see why it would be difficult for him even tho I know I would do it easy if it meant no risk of future pregnancy and no side effects. Thank you for your perspective xx

OP posts:

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:14

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:11

@CatsandFish stop acting like PIV is mandatory 😂

Maybe you should say that to men. 😂😂

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 10:14

YellowTreeHouse · 17/10/2022 07:48

@girlmom21 Right ok. So if a husband said to his wife he wouldn’t fuck her until she dyed her hair/got a boob job/quit her job/had an abortion that would be okay would it?

No, it wouldn’t.

Sex is an integral part of any relationship. If you’re going to refuse to engage in it then you need to split up.

So I suppose OP’s options are get the procedure herself, use another form of contraception, or split up.

Utterly utterly ridiculous examples that have absolutely no comparison to preventing an unwanted further pregnancy and risks to health of both that and hormonal contraception.

Just bizarre that you think you can compare a hair cut or boob job to having to be pregnant and give birth, or having health issues due to the pill. Wild.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:13

WhatsErFace2020 · 17/10/2022 07:41

OP I could’ve written this myself! We only use condoms now and just this month it somehow came off inside me without us knowing. Cue me having to have to take the MAP. I am really disappointed in DH that he won’t do this for our family when He watched me almost die having our youngest. It’s a really selfish attitude these men have that it’s not their responsibility.

women are fertile for a few days a month, men are fertile all the time...yet the majority of contraception was developed for women...BY MEN 🙄

I'd leave him for this alone, I truly would. Any man that can watch his partner not only go through pregnancies and birth his children, but almost die, and still refuse to accept part of the responsibility is scum in my opinion. There is no excuse for such selfishness, heartlessness and disrespect towards you. I don't know how you can even look at him, I honest to god don't.

Letthesunshineonin · 17/10/2022 10:13

I would have lost all respect for him. Apart from being a liar, he’s also a selfish wimp.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 10:11

@RedAppleGirl I'd rather be called "unpleasant" than be an apologist for pathetic men. And I see your views are massively influenced by your own personal situation - nice drip feed later there - but you shouldn't conflate that with the much more common situation of vasectomy being the best option for many, many couples. Including the OP and her selfish, weak, pathetic husband.

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:11

@CatsandFish stop acting like PIV is mandatory 😂

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/10/2022 10:10

I dont think getting your tubes tied are an option, if he wont have a quick minor procedure then you shouldn't be taking the responsibility for this and having a much more serious and complex operation with many more potential side effects and a longer recover time, just because he is 'a bit squeamish'

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 10:10

@Foreveranxious22 thank you, we are so lucky, but it hasn't been a picnic! Your reply made me laugh, totally get the haunting thing 😂 jokes aside though, it's not nice to think about horribly possibilities, I get that. But vasectomy is often banded about as an easy and simple solution, when really it's only this if a man is absolutely sure he wouldn't want more children- no matter the circumstances.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:06

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:02

I would! Definitely and option. I just saw vasectomy’s as a more common thing, I mean you don’t see women having their tube tied as commonly as you see vasectomy’s. If he decides it’s not for him I’d probably test out coils/implants if not then look into permanent solutions for me.

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Great, you're caving again and going to let him get away with being a selfish ahole. You, have already taken on more than your share. Tell him it's either the snip, or no sex. Don't let him get away with being selfish and lazy. Don't even consider doing anything to yourself. You've done more than your fair share of risks. How can you even look him in the eye if he won't do this for you, after all you've been through!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/10/2022 10:04

It's difficult OP, I also had to come off hormonal contraceptives due to migraines, even the mirena which apparently has very low hormones and doesn't get into the bloodstream was awful for me. My husband doesnt think we have enough sex to justify a vasectomy. So we are using condoms but not ideal however I cant imagine forcing him to get it and then how I'd feel if something went wrong.

The options are:
No sex
Condoms and then maybe backed up with no sex at risky times of the month
Vasectomy

I am aware as well that if I did get pregnant and have a termination (as I really really cant go through with another pregnancy) I think the resentment on my part would negatively affect our relationship

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:04

hotteaandcrumpets · 17/10/2022 10:00

@TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael well as the OP wants to force her husband to have surgery why isn't she considering it herself? Women don't want to be forced to go through abortions but there are so many comments on here suggesting this man shouldn't be able to refuse surgery on himself. It is completely unethical and morally wrong to say he should have to do it if the other party isn't willing to consider other options either.

@hotteaandcrumpets The other party ALREADY HAS had surgery and taken the risks. OP's partner has taken ZERO RISKS. Time for him to step up, it's unconscionable having such internalised misogyny and saying the OP should have ALL the risks and ALL the surgery.

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:02

hotteaandcrumpets · 17/10/2022 10:00

@TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael well as the OP wants to force her husband to have surgery why isn't she considering it herself? Women don't want to be forced to go through abortions but there are so many comments on here suggesting this man shouldn't be able to refuse surgery on himself. It is completely unethical and morally wrong to say he should have to do it if the other party isn't willing to consider other options either.

I would! Definitely and option. I just saw vasectomy’s as a more common thing, I mean you don’t see women having their tube tied as commonly as you see vasectomy’s. If he decides it’s not for him I’d probably test out coils/implants if not then look into permanent solutions for me.

OP posts:

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 10:02

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:56

@CatsandFish Condoms are effective if used properly and can also be used with avoiding fertile times. Either don't have PIV at all, or avoid your fertile times. No need for anyone to be taking drugs or having permanent surgical procedures which they may regret later on. It really isn't that difficult. Why are you acting like OP has no choice but to have sex and risk pregnancy?

What if, god forbid, anything happened to any of his existing children? You are being deliberately obtuse about why people may come to regret sterilisation or choose to have more children.

You are being ridiculous. Condoms have a high failure rate. Also fertility time isn't always reliable. It's unacceptable. By pushing condoms you are still suggesting the OP take that risk. A vasectomy is the safest form of contraception and most reliable, and it's well past time the OP's selfish partner stepped up to the plate.

woff45 · 17/10/2022 10:00

The idea that the OP, or any women, should be prioritising some fictitious future women and her wish for children, over her own health and well-being - is laughable.

Indeed, fuck her! 😂

Original poster

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 10:00

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:52

@KimberleyClark I wouldn't know... but we now have a beautiful 6 month old DD, thanks to ICSI - oh and about £10,000.

Hi @lawandgin im glad you have you DD. I also have a 6 month old! I guess it’s hard for me personally to worry about me and DP slitting up and him potentially having a child with someone else. Also if I died and he wanted babies with someone else- I’d haunt him- if I’m dead then he better be miserable.
I’m joking, yeah I see where your coming from, I’d not force him, it would always be his own choice. Thank you for your perspective xx

OP posts:

hotteaandcrumpets · 17/10/2022 10:00

@TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael well as the OP wants to force her husband to have surgery why isn't she considering it herself? Women don't want to be forced to go through abortions but there are so many comments on here suggesting this man shouldn't be able to refuse surgery on himself. It is completely unethical and morally wrong to say he should have to do it if the other party isn't willing to consider other options either.

CrushingAndClueless · 17/10/2022 09:59

@Kabalagala what if OP were to die, or they were to split up and he wanted more children but couldn't?

That’s why I suggest she ask him if he ever sees him wanting or having more children and then take it from there?

If he isn’t 100% sure that he doesn’t want more children then he’s well within his right to not have a vasectomy.

My husband was 38 when he had his done and he was adamant he would not want any more children. He said even if he and I were ever to break up he would not want more children with someone else in the future. He was very sure of this which is why having a vasectomy wasn’t an issue for him.

If OP’s husband is adamant that he doesn’t want more children then for the sake of his wife and for his share on responsibility then he should have the vasectomy.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:59

Dotjones · 17/10/2022 09:52

If you're not willing to get tubal litigation then YABU to expect him to have a vasectomy.

The benefit of you getting your tubes tied is that if/when you split up, you won't have to worry about getting pregnant with a new partner.

@Dotjones She has gone through pregnancy and childbirth as well as miscarriages. Why the bloody hell should should have to go through yet another surgery, as well? Stop being a handmaiden, YABU to expect the OP to go through more surgery when the her partner has gone through ZERO. It's well past his time to step up.

If he is not willing to go through a vasectomy, it is unreasonable of him to expect the OP to go through pregnancy and childbirth. All men should be willing to go through a vasectomy or not be allowed to become fathers imo.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 09:59

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/10/2022 07:18

Amazed at all these men who can look their wife, who has suffered, deeply greatly, more than once, in the eye and say they're too scared to make vasectomy an option. It's much easier than a tube tie!
Yes I know bodily autonomy is theirs, so they are in their rights, but ffs how can they put that alongside what their loved one has/is going through, and not just step up. It's not admirable.

Indeed.

Kabalagala · 17/10/2022 09:58

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:48

@Kabalagala what if OP were to die, or they were to split up and he wanted more children but couldn't? Why does the woman get bodily autonomy but the man doesn't? Just use condoms FFS, or don't have sex! These are the only two solutions where neither party has to make an unacceptable or permanent solution.

We made the decision jointly not to have any more kids because it's what is best for all of us.
My current needs trump an imaginary future partner.
Nobody should be pushed into a procedure that they don't want, but this is absolutely not a reasonable excuse.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 17/10/2022 09:57

StupidSmallFruit · 17/10/2022 07:12

I have absolutely zero truck with ‘squeamish’ men on this issue. Just no.

Step up.

Women deal with years of menstruation, pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth, menopause. They carry ALL the load.

There is no excuse for any man not stepping up.

And do not come at me with any mealy-mouthed ‘my body, my choice’ nonsense.

By using that to opt out, you completely remove any choice your partner has. And to then expect to have PIV and ejaculate is beyond mind-boggling.

How any woman could be intimate with such a sub-standard specimen is unfathomable.

And to anyone who wants to disagree with me - bring it on.

👏👏👏

Yep!!

Whitepouringglue · 17/10/2022 09:57

I would just come off everything and explain that you have taken responsibility for child bearing and contraception but now it's his turn and you'll be abstaining until he provides a method of contraception you're happy with.

Condoms are unreliable.