To ask my partner for a vasectomy

I've been a GP for 18 years, I have extra qualifications in women's health and have been a coil and implant fitter for 16 years. The copper IUCD is a LARC and so it is included in the funding. Which pays for the time and equipment to fit the methods - it's not some sort of a bribe. And we are not incentivised in any way to push the hormonal IUS over the copper IUCD. However my experience is that vastly more people want their copper IUCD out after a few months due to the heavy and prolonged bleeding, than the few that want their hormonal IUS out.

You're right, but do you also think it's helpful to lie to the OP? Perhaps the reason women struggle with their mental health is they are with someone who is selfish and doesn't care about them, and if they weren't, their mental health would recover? Did you consider that? In the past week alone I've read two threads of women who had struggles with their mental health, left their spouses and now their mental health has improved immensely.

I asked my DH to have one. We've got two children, one with additional needs and childbirth amongst (not exaggerating) killed me the first time (ELCS for the second). I've been left with permanent injuries from the first birth and will likely in time need a hysterectomy. Doctors are currently reluctant to do it because of my age but that's going to be the end result.

I asked him because I can't use hormonal contraception and even condoms aren't infallible. If I accidentally get pregnant, I cannot carry another baby without huge risk to my health, and we don't want any more children anyway. It would be me that has to go through an abortion, which I would do, but I would really struggle with it.

It was affecting our sex life a lot because I would avoid sex because I was anxious about getting pregnant. He was getting frustrated because he wasn't getting any, but when I took the time to explain it to him he 'got it' instantly.

He was squeamish too, he didn't relish the idea at all! It's not a particularly pleasant thing to have done! But he booked in, saying 'I think it's time that I took one for the team now isn't it'. Yes my love, yes it is!

As soon as he understood, he did it. I won't lie I would have thought less of him had he not, it would've been incredibly selfish for him to expect us to carry on our sex life as normal knowing how I felt.

Snip done, tests clear. Normal service has resumed! It's not infallible obviously but he will do a private test every year to ensure it doesn't fail until I've been through the menopause (or had a hysterectomy) so we're as covered as we can be.

You're not unreasonable OP. We women give a lot when we have children physically and mentally. Whilst you can't force him, it's pretty crap if they won't do what is essentially a minor inconvenience for you.

Do posters honestly think it is helpful to tell a clearly distressed woman, who has already explained she struggles with her mental health, that her husband 'doesn't give a shit about you' multiple times?? Do you honestly think that is a helpful comment to be told repeatedly?

I know it's not, but it's an option.

Of course there is nothing wrong with it, but she knew he had a vasectomy when she got with him so she can't complain, and especially shouldn't be using it as an argument against it, as if it's the responsibility of women to think of who is going to be with her partner next.

Fostering and adoption are not the same as having your own biological child.

There's nothing wrong with what that poster has done to attempt to have a baby with her partner.

@RedAppleGirl There is no need to even have a reversal now. A syringe is inserted and sperm directly removed.
You knew he had a vasectomy when you got with him, it was your choice to stay with him, you could have picked someone who didn't have a vasectomy.
No one has a 'right' to have children, you could have fostered and adopted through the fostering programme.

Can you provide evidence of the ill feelings, please?
Explicitly.
Thanks
Pet.

I really don't understand how suggesting that you deserve to be respected and appreciated is 'man bashing'. Sorry, but I think it says something about your thought process and self respect/confidence issues that you think holding a man accountable for not respecting you and being selfish in the relationship is 'man bashing'. How did we as women sink so low when that is our bar? That we are so desperate to be in a relationship we will take being disrespected by a selfish man, and that's 'good enough'? To be honest your post saddens me. Especially in 2022 that you think that is all your worth. Yes, no one's perfect, but that doesn't mean the bar has to be set so very low that a selfish and disrespectful man that doesn't love you or care about you is somehow 'better' than being alone. Even more so when you have daughters that will grow up to emulate this.

I don’t think that it’s done by GPs, just in the more accessible primary care setting of a GP surgery. I think clinicians visit to perform the procedures.

I have poor mental health and can’t use hormonal contraceptives because of this. I’ve been using the Copper Coil (which is non-hormonal) for coming up to 12yrs now and had no issues with it. They last 5 or 10yrs (you choose) and when my last one ‘expired’ they fitted the new one at the same time as taking the old one out. Then you just forget about it!

I do have heavy periods, but that was the case since I had kids anyway so is the norm for me and is perfectly manageable.

In your situation I’d give it a try.

Ah I see, this bit of information makes your view clearer. It makes more sense to know you have skin in the game but from the perspective of the man’s new partner who wants him to have more children with her. So not particularly unbiased, especially as you clearly have ill-feeling towards his first wife.

To be honest, is sex really worth (i) a woman making herself sick by taking contraceptives which dont agree with her, or (ii) a man being pressured to mutilate his healthy body?

Actually it was more that you both had similar name structures (colour, thing, thing) as well as a matching of minority opinion.

I used the pill for many years and luckily never had any issues but when we decided that we were done after 3 dc, dh decided himself that it was time for him to step up and he got a vasectomy. Men need to cop themselves on, if they want a sex life with their partners they need to take responsibility for contraception at some point. There was a big hoo ha when the pill was invented, how it would give women freedom, but I think it was really developed to benefit men.

Yep.

men can impregnate thousands of women a year, yet women are targeted for contraception not men....wonder why that is?!

Because men are cowardly gutless wonders. The male contraceptive pill was pulled because the risk of side effects was above 0%. ANY risk, men cry and run. Never mind the risks and effects of the female contraceptive pill is higher than the risk and effects of the men's. Never mind that pregnancy and childbirth can literally be life and death. No, ANY risk men may face and they become little crybabies. One on here even whinged about a meagre 5% risk. The irony is their partner took 5 times that risk to give them their child. And they're like a little crybaby over a lousy 5%.

DH booked himself in for one after our last baby was born. I'd had a horrific journey having 4 DC including a late stillbirth and there was no discussion - he just said it was his turn to step up. I was unable to use hormone based contraception, hence our last unplanned but wonderful baby.

I couldn't respect a man who refused this to be honest.

@StupidSmallFruit @CatsandFish

Well said, all of your posts are spot on.

DH told me he was getting a vasectomy after we decided not to have any more dc. His idea, his choice, because he appreciated what I had put my body through and felt it was his turn to step up.

I literally would have no respect for any man who didn't feel the same.

Let's not forget we target contraception at the wrong demographic, women can get pregnant once every 9 months, men can impregnate thousands of women a year, yet women are targeted for contraception not men....wonder why that is?!

It is common for men who divorce and meet another to have the reversal procedure. So my comments were not influenced by my own experience.
You might also find that referring to someone as weak and pathetic to convince someone to do something for you isn't always the best approach.