To ask if school mum cliques upset you, or how do you deal with cliques?

My DS has just started reception. There are 6 kids in his class that have a sibling in DD's class, so I already know them pretty well. If we gather and have a chat I can see how a paranoid type might think clique. Actually we just know eachother and would be friendly to any of the new parents.

What stands out for me here is the posters complaining about these “cliques” also say I smile and say hi and no one approaches me. The thing is it’s up to the person who wishes tp join to approach them. On no planet is someone going to wander round the playground asking all the alone mums to join them. It’s silly to think they should

so a clique is a closed friendship group, if you’ve never actually approached the group and made efforts to join then you’ve no clue if it’s a clique or a friendship group , they aren’t doing anything wrong by being friends, and it really isn’t their job to be approaching everyone in case they want to join in.

I'm not bothered. I go to school to pick up and drop off my kid. What other people are doing with their time is up to them.

This.

I find these threads so bizarre and paranoid. People are allowed to have friendship groups that predate school you know. Some of these people may have known each other for decades. Maybe they don’t but they just gel well and like hanging out. Is that a crime?

So many adults seem to have the expectation that their children’s school is a ready made social life on a plate for the parents and then get paranoid and huffy when they discover other parents can get on with one another without their permission.

What others do and the friendships they make is none of your concern. Let them crack on. You will probably find being less suspicious and paranoid will make it much easier to make friends.

I have never been able to mix in with the parents at school. Partly because I'm terrible at small talk (and find it boring) and partly because I'm usually in a rush. This is despite being friends with a group of the same mums outside of school - but at school I just can't deal with the small talk so usually get in and out quickly with little more than a hello. I completely understand that feeling though of everyone else being in groups and feeling left out. I really think it comes down to integrating yourself. Walk over to them and include yourself if the opportunity arises. Get there a bit earlier before a group has formed and start chatting to whoever is already there. A lot of it just comes down to where you stand waiting for your child and talking to whoever is next to you.

I would smile and say hello to other parents in your child's class. Ask how their child is settling in, if they are enjoying it etc. Before you know it, you will be in your own little friendship group. I've got a lot out of meeting other parents. It helps to find other people share the same issues as you.

They are strangers at school gates. Why the eagerness to be part of the ‘crew’. Surely, as an adult, you have your own life. This is kind of thing kids worry about at school.

It is fine for people to be friends and talk to each other. If you see a friend at the school gates then obviously you're going to go and talk to them. Or is there something more unpleasant going on?

I'm not sure what you're asking - it sounds like you are seeing groups of people talking to each other and it worries you?

I think you need to take a look at your anxiety and where the worry is coming from.

I see lots at our school whether you call them cliques or friendship groups. I'm not bothered to be honest. I say hello to the two parents that I do know or to those that my kids point out. Otherwise dh normally does the school run, I'm often frazzled having done the 30 minute walk up a hill to their school to care what other parents think of me. If it is important to you make a point of talking to people.

Its only been weeks…. People are making friends. Put yourself out there it’s not up to others to approach you.

I do very few drop off and pick ups so I’m not particularly good friends with anyone but I am friendly and I’ve met enough people through sport teams and play dates to have a bit of a parent network. That’s all I need!

Ignore. Couldn't give a fuck about making friends, I've already got friends. I'm there to pick my child up.

Luckily my DC is at secondary now so I don't have to do the school run.

I think this is a case of knowing your achilles' heel. Cliques have never bothered me. Now or as a kid. Put me in front of an authority figure, someone who has actual influence over me or my kid, someone who knows how to wield that influence, and I have to batten down several layers of hatches and remind myself I'm an adult with free will, and I cringe like a scared dog internally while standing my ground. That's my achilles heel, I've worked hard on toughening myself up in that area. Cliques are boring though. For some reason they don't feel like something I need to swim into. I'm pretty happy away from other people and their complications though, so it makes sense. I can chat for eons, to anyone, but I don't need that inclusion side. I used to help out at PTA events but I always ended up being the person the kids would go to for random stuff, like the pied piper, because most of the other adults were too busy making sure everyone knew how busy they were. Suited me. Does that make sense? Figure your needs and wants out, then decide whether it's worth looking for those things in those people.

Totally agree @1stWorldProblems - I did the same. When DD started in YR i didn't know anyone so joined the PTA. I now know pretty much everyone (small school), have made friends with lots of mums with kids in different years & can always find someone to talk to. I know I could rely on many of them if I needed it & we have a laugh doing events, despite it being hard work.

As someone who moved to a new area when my eldest was 3 d wanting to make friends, I can recommend joining the PTA. The people who volunteer are also often new to the area (or went to school outside) and so not involved in past histories - often going a ridiculous way back. Schools need all the extra funds they can get. Plus PTA bods also tend to be helpful & meeting them whilst organising events gives you some common ground. In fact if it goes well, you'll be accused of being a clique too!

It helps to understand the nature of school mum "cliques".

Fact is, most of them know eachother from before, nursery, location, baby group. They are people who are comfortable with eachother. They don't solely exist to exclude.

Instead of focusing on quiches, look out for parents that you recognise, identify with, smile at. Find/create a different tribe @facefit.

cliques how? you’ve seen women chatting, it’s not the same thing

It's not cliques. Trust me! It's just people with a shared experience of having kids at school together having a chat in the morning/afternoon. Go and stand with them and have a chat with them if you want! Or don't - it's literally 10 minutes in your whole day (if that)

Clique = a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them.

So, pretty much any close friendship group.

Op didn't use it in a pejorative way though. She simply asked if anyone found them upsetting.

I definitely see cliques / clearly defined friendship groups in my brief forays into the playground pick up 'scene' if you will. They don't bother me at all and I don't set out to make friends at school really. I'd rather keep it fairly professional with a bit of distance. But I don't think badly of anyone for being in one of these groups. I do notice how certain types end up together, but that's normal and to be expected anywhere that people socialise.

@facefit Can you define for us what a clique is, and how you have differentiated some parents who already knew one another, maybe from a Nursery or maybe from having other siblings in school, or maybe because they are actually siblings or mates from elsewhere before they had dc, and are therefore already friends ?

I have a group of friends since our DC were in reception. We socialise together, and yes I do chat to them in the playground. Sometimes chat to other parents too. We’re not a clique, just a group of friends who I’m so glad to have as part of my life.

We don’t have a mum clique problem in my DCs schools it’s a rather big one as well. But does it really matter cliques will form everywhere sometimes you just don’t want to hand out with other people.

Yes but it’s easier to lash out and blame others than to accept it might be you.

It’s definitely internal misogyny fuelling these ‘clique’ perceptions imo. I’ve never heard anyone refer to dads as cliquey or think a random dad was a bitch at the school gates because he talked to his friend beside me but didn’t include me, a total stranger, in their conversation.

Its an extension of the idea that women have to be nice and sweet and friendly and accommodating* to everyone around them. And that has to come above their own wants, like just having a chat with their mate because they must always be nurturing and welcoming.

The reality is that a women isn’t a bitch because she isn’t your friend or because she doesn’t know you and therefore doesn’t invite you for coffee, or to parties. She might not even like you or want to be friends with you, she’s still not a bitch, she’s allowed to pick her friends.

No of course not and I’m sure rhe op knows that deep down, and it would be logistically impossible anyway.

But it’s hard to be on the outside looking in, when you desperately want to be included but can only bring yourself to watch on, smile and say hi, but the thought of walking up and cheerily saying “hi how are you all doing this morning, i knackered little Johnny was playing us merry hell lol “ or “hey how are you all doing, do you mind if I join, you look much more fun than standing there alone” and just joining in, has you terrified and rooted to the spot.

everyone wants to feel included, accepted, part of the pack, but some people aren’t capable of it and don’t understand how others achieve it.

it’s a constant theme on here, those who make friends, those who don’t care, say hi, join in when they feel like it, don’t think about it, and those who want to make friends and can’t, who feel lonely and isolated and it upsets them.

Never found any cliques. Found some close friendship groups who aren't really interested in talking to those outside their group, but I smile or nod as I pass. And if I've needed to talk school business, they do.

Seen lots of open friendship groups as well.

I've also been told that certain groups are cliques, but I have never found those groups to be so.

I also find the people who see cliques, generally don't try to talk to people, and wouldn't walk up to a group chatting and just join in.

My advice, don't think clique, think friends.
Smile, nod acknowledgement, say hello.
And if the opportunity arises make conversation.