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AIBU?

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Original poster

27 years old, parents opening my post

133 replies

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 01:47

Hi just a brief background, I live at home with ds1 and dd2 with my mum and step dad. I was due to move out but relationship broke down. Ever since I have been trying to find appropriate housing but I am on the housing list and it’s just a waiting game. I am in no doubt denying I have debt, but I believe it to be my own problem to deal with. It’s the likes of credit cards, old debts wanting a monthly payment but of course they send letters regularly. I’ve come home from work recently to find that my letters have either been opened or even been confronted by my mum and quizzed on what the debt is and why I have it. Made to feel like a 5 year old. My step dad even took some of my letters to my mum as they arrived from the post man and told her to open them so they can find out who they’re from. Am I being unreasonable to think this is an absolute joke?? With regards to step dad I don’t really get on with him a great deal but for the sake of my mum I make the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 02:24

Would just like to add to this my step dad is up to his eyeballs in debt but I take this as being nothing to do with me, am I really being that unreasonable to expect the same.

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

Original poster
Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 02:21

@Elleherd I agree with that however I’m not sure I want them to know every detail of my life, I don’t know every detail of theirs. With regards to me keeping them in the dark, I don’t have the relationship with my stepdad to be having any kind of discussion with him about my personal life as he actually gets a kick out of it when I’m having problems. It gives him something to gossip about. Always has done. I have been honest with my mum about the fact I have debt but reassured her that I am sorting them out and that as I am 27 I would just respect it if she would let me deal with it on my own. However I do know that whatever I tell her always gets relayed to him in one way or another, so some things I just don’t bother talking about.

OP posts:
Elleherd · 09/10/2022 02:08

It's not an absolute joke, it's parent/step parent failing to accept your status as an adult, partly because they're housing you and your children, and you don't have a relationship were you trust them enough that they know what's going on in your life. Bad situation for all of you all round.

I have an adult DC at home in your age group, and I wouldn't dream of opening their mail, and they wouldn't dream of keeping me in the dark about something that could affect me ranging from potential of bailiffs to them being silently stressed.
The contract between adult parents of adult offspring living together has to be nuanced and based on total trust and honesty to work.

Original poster
Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 02:07

@UneFilleDeBelleville unfortunately not, the area my kids school is in and surrounding is very expensive private rent. I’ve asked around agencies and a lot have said unless my credit file is clean which it isn’t, I won’t be accepted. Social housing is obviously a bidding process but in high demand so it’s taking a while

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 02:00

@Aquamarine1029 i would agree with this but everytime I’ve mentioned moving out it causes a big issue because my mum doesn’t actually want me to leave

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 01:58

They definitely shouldn't be opening your post, but I can imagine that they are both at the end of their tether with you and your kids living in their home, and wondering why you can't get your own housing. Seeing debt collection letters coming in for you is probably very frustrating for them. Can't say I'd blame them if they fel that way.

UneFilleDeBelleville · 09/10/2022 01:52

They definitely shouldn’t be opening your post.

I can understand why they are concerned though. Have you spoken to CAB or Stepchange about your debts? It might be a useful way to get on top of them, and if you can then assure your mum you are taking action she will be less likely to be tempted to read your post.

Is there anything you can do to speed up the process of finding your own place? Sounds as if the current situation isn’t working for anyone.

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