Page 5 | 27 years old, parents opening my post

Lily9915 · 2022-10-09T00:47:00+00:00

Hi just a brief background, I live at home with ds1 and dd2 with my mum and step dad. I was due to move out but relationship broke down. Ever since I have been trying to find appropriate housing but I am on the housing list and it’s just a waiting game. I am in no doubt denying I have debt, but I believe it to be my own problem to deal with. It’s the likes of credit cards, old debts wanting a monthly payment but of course they send letters regularly. I’ve come home from work recently to find that my letters have either been opened or even been confronted by my mum and quizzed on what the debt is and why I have it. Made to feel like a 5 year old. My step dad even took some of my letters to my mum as they arrived from the post man and told her to open them so they can find out who they’re from. Am I being unreasonable to think this is an absolute joke?? With regards to step dad I don’t really get on with him a great deal but for the sake of my mum I make the effort.

AnnaMagnani · 09/10/2022 07:11

Open online accounts for everything and go paperfree.

Whydidimarryhim · 09/10/2022 07:05

Hi op can you move to online stuff only with some of these letters.
What a t… your step father is - he’s fuelling your mother - she’s reacting to this or she’s scared of him or she is controlling.
Do you have children?
If not could you do a house share? You need to separate your life - your mothers anxiety’s are her own. Is she controlling?

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 06:58

mathanxiety · 09/10/2022 05:57

@Lily9915

Get your finances in order.
Seek advice on reducing your debt.
Do whatever it takes to pay it down.
Find a place to live.
Move.
Deal with the fallout.

Nobody is stopping you from doing any of this.

This

Raindancer411 · 09/10/2022 06:57

Every time say to them it's not their place to open your letters and is not legal to do. Say the debt is being dealt with and rinse and repeat the answers each time.

If it wasn't a debt issue I would have suggested redirecting your post else where, but it's not ideal if you need that money to go towards limiting your debt.

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 06:57

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

As you've got such exacting standards, it's committing an offence, not and offence as that makes no sense.

Maybe you need to improve your literacy skills?

GloriousGlory · 09/10/2022 06:53

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

Yeah the police will be round really quickly and I'm sure arrests will be made.

Assuming of course you live it Aidensfield.

NumptiesIncorporated · 09/10/2022 06:50

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 05:07

Renting a PO Box is the usual suggestion to counter this issue, but then you have the bother of informing all the usual correspondents of a change of postal address. In reality though, once the majors, like employer, NHS, housing, banking, local government, are taken care of, that usually covers 90-95% of 'important' mail.

It's not as difficult as that.

Using Po box transfer (which admittedly is a more expensive option), you can arrange to collect mail that's addressed to both your home and to your PO box.

Having said that, it's not cheap and isn't an ideal solution for someone with financial issues already.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 06:41

They probably want to know what the likelihood is of bailiffs turning up at their door.

Do you have a payment plan set up?

mathanxiety · 09/10/2022 05:57

@Lily9915

Get your finances in order.
Seek advice on reducing your debt.
Do whatever it takes to pay it down.
Find a place to live.
Move.
Deal with the fallout.

Nobody is stopping you from doing any of this.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 09/10/2022 05:50

Tell your mum that it's illegal to open someone else's mail, even if they live in the same house, and tell her that if it ever happens again, you will have no choice but to move out with your children.
If she really doesn't want you to leave, she will stop her husband from opening any more envelopes addressed to you.
If it does happen again, it's a clear signal that you should try to move asap.

Ponderingwindow · 09/10/2022 05:35

If they are subsidizing your life and your children, you lose the right to full privacy with regards to your finances. That doesn’t mean they get to open your mail. That is illegal. They should be allowed to see your overall budget and see that you have set up a realistic plan for attaining self-sufficiency.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 05:07

Renting a PO Box is the usual suggestion to counter this issue, but then you have the bother of informing all the usual correspondents of a change of postal address. In reality though, once the majors, like employer, NHS, housing, banking, local government, are taken care of, that usually covers 90-95% of 'important' mail.

RenegadeMasterx · 09/10/2022 05:03

My mum is like this. Literally opens everyone's post it's such an invasion of privacy and actually, it's illegal. I would warn her of that. It could be anything, medical issues or whatever & you don't have to tell her anything. I've had it done to me so I know just how frustrating this is, my mum used the excuse 'oh I didn't see the top line of the letter' or some rubbish but she's always in peoples post if she's curious or doesn't recognise the envelopes. Some people don't give a crap atall do they!! You can pay for your post to be diverted have you got anywhere else safe you would prefer it to be delivered to? X

Darbs76 · 09/10/2022 04:56

they are out of order opening your post. I have adult DC and I’d never open their post. My mum is super nosy but never opens my brothers post that still goes to her house. Opening NHS letters and debt letters is especially out of order. I’d just push ahead with getting housed as soon as you can, can’t be nice living with your step dad when there are issues between you.

Original poster

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 04:31

@Kitkatcatflap to be honest there’s a lot more with regards to lack of boundaries going on other than this. I just don’t say anything because I’m grateful for the fact I can stay here. I think my step dad fuels a lot of it he even tells my mum that I must be ‘texting a man’ and she should find out because I’ve been on my phone a fair bit 🤣 so I guess whilst I can understand the worry of my mum because I am her daughter, this has just been the final thing with the post that has angered me

OP posts:

Original poster

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 04:18

@XDownwiththissortofthingX thank you as you’ve actually highlighted it is illegal which I did suspect

OP posts:

Original poster

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 04:16

@Realityloom I can appreciate the concern of which I’ve told her that I can understand why she worries about me but that I’d just respect it if she wouldn’t open my post. I’d be far more inclined to talk to her about my problems but things like this make me not want to.

And as for me being lucky for her putting me up, I have always told her im grateful for it but whenever I mention moving out this seems to cause more of an issue because she doesn’t actually want me to go, she tries to make me feel bad then and does everything to put me off telling me that I should stay put until I meet someone or that there’s no rush and I’m being hasty jumping into moving out. So it does feel like I can’t win.

OP posts:

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 04:11

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Realityloom · 09/10/2022 03:58

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/10/2022 02:21

They are actually committing an offence under the Postal Services Act. By opening your mail it is to your detriment (it is a breach of privacy), and they have no reasonable excuse (they know you live there, the mail is addressed correctly and you are perfectly capable of opening it yourself).

It's no different to a scenario whereby you were living in shared accommodation and someone totally unrelated to you was opening your mail. Assuming you have asked them not to, you might like to point out to them that they are committing and offence, and depending on how far you want to push it, raise it with the police.

Raise it with the police 😆😆😆😆 Great idea and OP will be homeless with her kids for Xmas!

Realityloom · 09/10/2022 03:55

I'm going against the grain here. I would open the letters because an ex had debt coming to my house. Using MY address and this only come to light after he left my house months later.

Sorry but debt can spiral. Your lucky your mum puts you up with your children too.

WeAreTheHeroes · 09/10/2022 03:44

I'd be very tempted to open some of theirs just to make the point as they won't like it.

PinkFrogss · 09/10/2022 03:38

It’s not acceptable OP but how would they react to you challenging it? If you’re living in their home it might be difficult to rock the boat, so you’ll have to consider whether or not it’s worth it.

When you say they’re letters from lenders who want a monthly payment, so you mean you’re currently not paying anything? Talk to StepChange who can help, burying your head in the sand about debt only makes it worse.

Kitkatcatflap · 09/10/2022 03:17

I don't even open letters addressed to my children now they have become teenagers. I was a bit 'meh' if you were racking up debt whilst living at their house. I would be worried about debt collectors and the like if I felt you weren't being honest, not managing minimum payments and burying your head in the sand. I was more aghast at opening the hospital letter - that is massively overstepping.

Have you always lived at home? Or did you move back in? I think it makes a difference as to how some parents treat you. Can you tall to your mother - ask her how she would like if you opened her letters?

Original poster

Lily9915 · 09/10/2022 02:55

@Elleherd yes she is of course happy with the close contact and with regards to childcare, no they both work so I arrange this myself.

No the first thing that made me think there was snooping was a hospital letter (clearly from the hospital) was opened even though I have been fully transparent about any hospital appointments I have had (breast clinic appointments- all fine) and honestly think this arose out of nosiness. I never said anything at the time about it but I think it began then when they thought they could start.

OP posts:

Elleherd · 09/10/2022 02:35

I get they sound very imperfect, he's a git, and she's enmeshed.
The way you've put things sounds like you've been living at home while producing children and then the relationship broke down, trapping you all but possibly making your mum happy to have such close contact with her DD and DGC's? Is she also providing childcare while you work and theoretically saving you money?

As you have somewhere to live, that's lowering your rehousing bidding which she may not understand, and if my understanding above is correct, do you think initially they may have accidentally opened a debt letter and then gone into a total spin for their different reasoning's, about what's 'really' going on?

It's absolutely unreasonable to be opening your mail, but imo it's unreasonable to be in the situation you're in and expect your parent and step parent to turn into a different pair of people than they are to accommodate it better.
For those reasons I haven't voted either way.