Husband never asks me anything about myself

I’ve been with my husband for considerably more than two years and we still ask each other questions and take an interest in each other’s lives and thoughts. We talk to each other and I think he’s really interesting and funny, I assume he feels the same about me. I don’t really understand what a relationship would comprise of you removed that. Just…sitting there? Watching telly and occasionally having sex?

I think this is fixable with time and practice -or it might be depending on why he's like this - but it just depends if you think it's worth the time and practice. My H was similar. I don't remember a time when I suddenly realised he didn't ask about me but he is much less interested in the 'story' of people generally, whereas that stuff is my lifeblood quite honestly. However I've gradually chipped away and asked him lots of questions and told him my stories without him asking and got to know his family which gives me background.

That's over many years though. Emotional intimacy isn't the same thing to everyone and doesn't come quickly. In our case it works because I often need someone who is less emotionally reactive than I am just to keep living without falling in a sobbing heap at the misery of the world and he has learned that it helps him to talk about stuff sometimes. Yours will be different. Start by thinking about the ways the relationship is working for you (not what he's like but how the interaction between you works) and then if that's enough for you to start the hard task of forming that emotionally intimate relationship with him. No judgement on you either way.

I think once you've been in a relationship for two years plus, the time for sitting at dinner questioning each other and listening, fascinated, has passed, that's for the first few dates really. After a few years it's more that you volunteer things you want to talk about. That's not necessarily bad, it's just the way it is.

So you can't really compare time with a friend who is spending one evening with you. Talking to someone new who seems interested in you feels like such a blast and a breath of fresh air, but that's only because they are new.

Thats why its good to keep up your friendships and meet new people, so you can have that experience, and have the stability and love of your relationship as well.

Grass isn't always greener...

Sounds like my husband who is on the spectrum, we're separating sadly but it's for the best.

Not had any experience of dating before him

Was he your first boyfriend?

It sounds as if he has a transactional approach to relationships rather than on an emotional level. If he doesn't need emotional support he may feel it's unnecessary for anyone.

Do you connect physically?

Pretty much exactly as @aanotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled describes!

Oh he asks how my day was etc, what I've been doing, how this and that went. He just never asks about things like where I've previously lived, past jobs, places I've been..but its not that he doesn't know these things because I've spoken about them when asking him similar questions. I'm a right chatterbox and I think I didn't really notice to be honest for a number of years that I was doing all the enquiring and deeper conversation starting.

Ah, I can see how that could happen. ☹️

@Tsort

I ask myself this but looking back I don't think I really noticed - early 20s in love etc? I was definitely the "talker" in our marriage - come from a family that talked about everything and anything, I can hold a conversation with anyone and everyone no matter who they are. It was only in recent years that I noticed that he never really asked about me - and I guess I stopped volunteering information to make conversation because I was tired of doing it for the both of us like everything else in our marriage

Hes very faithful. Genuinely dont believe he’d ever cheat.

And so he should be. Fidelity within marriage should be a given; it's not done yardstick by which a marriage should be measured.

Why did you marry someone who didn’t ask you questions and couldn’t (at the time) hold a conversation? How did it happen?

My STBEXH husband was like this and I felt very lonely in our marriage. It started to trickle down to his interactions with our children. Our marriage has recently ended - I will never form a relationship with another man who didn't ask how my day was again

My DP is like this. He comes from a family where communication isn't normal, his parents also never ask me anything and they also never ask him anything, they barely know what he does for a job. I also suspect my DP has some degree of ASD as does his dad. He says that it just doesn't occur to him to ask and that he wouldn't know what to ask. He struggles quite a bit forming connections with others because he doesn't ask them anything in conversation and they think he's rude or cold. He has got better over the years but he still wouldn't start a conversation about my past, all the info he knows about that I've volunteered. He's kind of had to learn how to hold a conversation as an adult and we've had frequent talks about how it comes across to others if a conversation is very one sided. How is your DH with others?

Also, if you want to build on more intimate/personal conversation areas could you ask questions of him, but ones that focus on the present and future. It must have been horrific losing your mum at a young age. Relationships grow and change and take work. If he's interested in you now, I'd try not to worry about him wanting all the details of your past.

He sounds like a good person, and while not perfect (who is). Some people who are great at talking can also be manipulative, I've experienced. Don't think the grass is greener necessarily.

How on earth did you marry him? Why marry a man that has never shown interest in your life?

I think this friend has made you realise that actually your husband is pretty shallow and typical of someone who didn't date lots of people before settling down how would you know if that was all you knew if you see what I mean. I guess now you have to work out are you happy to stay with him or not because he won't change

You've both suffered tragedy and obviously deal with it in different ways. It may seem natural to him to not probe about your siblings if he would feel uncomfortable talking about his mum.
I don't think the chocolate cake example is weird at all. I think going out of his way to something thoughtful for you is a good sign, he obviously cares about making you happy in the present.
As doingmybest says, one relationship in your life can't provide everything. You could try and build on more intimate conversations gradually, maybe by focusing on happy moments in the past as he seems to struggle about thinking over past trauma and deals with it by shutting it out.

Losing his mother as a child is probably the key to this, it might be worth having some counselling before you both consider becoming parents so you have support in dealing with childhood trauma you both experienced.

That’s very soon to marry someone! Surely that what put most people off!

I do think it is unrealistic to think 1 person can provide everything that you need. People are not perfect , you need to decide if this person is the one you want to spend your life with despite his flaws. You must ve felt that way at one time. I think the comment about feeling lonely in the marriage is more relevant. Perhaps talk to your husband about this.

Was this an arranged/semi-arranged marriage?

This is the problem with marrying so soon. You've married a stranger

OP I’m going to agree with the poster mentioning the possibility of ASD. Please do read up about it. Obviously, I don’t know your full situation but it has the feel of my relationship and dh has undiagnosed asd. I didn’t realise until we’d been together for about 7 years and had a child together. It was a huge shock when I put everything together but then everything made sense.