Adult sibling jealousy

Fairness doesn’t mean being treated the same. Are you saying OP should see one set of grandchildren have a holiday and not help the other grandchild to have a holiday?

That seems mean.

OP - this is probably the right decision for now. However, it doesn't mean that you can't have a holiday with your DDs and your DGC later. I hope you take the opportunity to have a good heart-to-heart with your DD1 and find out why she feels so resentful. It probably has nothing to do with the money and maybe she wants your time and attention instead - but you won't find out unless you discuss it and ask her what she really wants. I think if DD1 felt emotionally secure she would be more than happy for DD2 to receive your help. It is easy to take someone who on the surface has a good job, nice house, good DH etc etc for granted and think that everything is easy for them. She may be struggling in different ways or simply just want you to acknowledge it.

Fair enough when the OP dies (sorry OP, a long time in the future) split the inheritance equally but this is a break away and affordability is relevant. Unless my sibling was a complete waste of space, which DD2 isn’t, I wouldn’t begrudge them a holiday or any financial support our mother chose to give with her money. My parents gave my older brother some funds after he and his wife split to help him out and neither me or our younger brother had an issue with it because he fell on hard times.

DD1 might feel the OP loves DD2 more but that’s DD1s issue not DD2s or the OPs.

How is that treating them fairly though? You pay for both DC or none!

Or postpone the family holiday until both children can afford the holiday. That way no one is being subsidised.

Surely it’s simply a case and making it possible for you all to go together. You are making it possible for the younger dd to go whilst your older dd can already afford it. I think that is what mums do - you give the help where it’s most needed to keep everyone together.

Similar scenario in our family regards finances, however the wealthier DD would be happy for the family to have the opportunity to go together and would not be jealous.

I’d never suggest that, my brother on the other hand would. I’d be furious if any of my 3 kids were like that. Your daughter needs to be grateful she’s not in similar position. Life can change in an instant, despite her believing she’s worked hard no doubt for where she is. I’d be more than happy for my mum to pay for my brother and his family as I’m on a decent wage. She probably wouldn’t offer one and not the other just because my brother has always wanted 100% the same. Maybe not now at nearly 50, but he was like that for years

Its simple, if you have two children and one can reasonably can afford a holiday and one reasonably can’t, then you may decide to help the one who can’t afford to have a holiday.

DD's not DS's!

I would really love some examples of how siblings are treated fairly but not equally. I'm genuinely baffled!

I didn't have the best upbringing and have gone very low contact with my mother for various reasons.

My DB is the favourite child. The financial circumstances are very different in our family but I think this is a red herring in your post OP. I know my parents would and occasionally used to drop everything to help him out. The language they used when they talk about him is different.

I know I am projecting and things maybe different with your children but it's worth talking to your eldest DD and seeing where the resentment is coming from.

You and others seem to be conveniently ignoring how much OP has done for elder dd and how much she still does for her.

I’m in elder dd’s shoes, I have seen my siblings get constant cash handouts and I won’t inherit the family property as it will go to an unemployed sibling.

It is aggravating but I pick my battles and I would not begrudge my sister and niece a holiday as I can afford one, they cannot.

Absolutely 100% agree it’s not about money, it’s about your love. You’re bestowing outward gestures of love constantly on dd1. What have you done to show dd2 you live her?

To be pedantic, there's no hard evidence DS1 resents DS2. It's the situation she resents, it may even be the OP she resents or DS2 or the attention DS2 gets from the OP. I don't think DS1 has acted well but jealously in the OPs title is a strong word.

This. Unless she’s a real horror of a human being it’s not about money at all, it’s about parity of love, concern, support, consideration, emotional investment. She clearly feels you always prioritise her sister over her, and that hurts, regardless of the circumstances.

You feeling angry and ashamed of her attitude (rather than trying to understand where it’s coming from) only pushes you further towards your younger DD and aligns you both against her.

Don’t forget that although your girls are adults, you’re still their mum, and childhood rivalries, hurts and resentments can easily surface, even when they’re not acknowledged as such. We’re all still little kids inside, even when we’re very old men and women.

Wow catty much! I've often read some pretty nasty posts but goodness me that's unbelievably bitchy and unnecessary. I've paid for my dsis to do things before when her earning power was lower, why should she feel like a charity case? I did it because I wanted to spend that time with her. Imagine being so lacking in empathy that you can't see past your own bitterness...

It's hard seeing someone else get something for free that you've had to work hard for. It's made even harder when it's your own mother who is providing it for free.

If neither sister had any money, then the holiday wouldn't be happening because mum can't afford to fund both families. Therefore, the holiday is only happening because DD1 worked harder and made better life choices. DD2 is being "rewarded" because of DD1's efforts. I can see why DD1 is upset.

@AuntMargo I really feel for you. I have 2 DC, DC1 was a high earner married to another high earner with two children, when DC2 became a single parent. We lived nearer to DC2, helped out with that grandchild more, and a bit more financially. DC1 also helped, by paying for a holiday for them all, and generally being supportive. DC2 has since married, had promotion and is on a far more equal footing now.

I’m pleased that my children don’t resent one another. Similarly, circumstances were so much harder years ago for DH’s younger siblings that they got much more help from his parents than we did. They needed it, and we understood and didn’t resent it. Isn’t that how families should behave?

As you described the scenario after reading the post title, I thought you were going to describe a situation where DD2 was jealous of her richer sibling!
Your DD1 is a disgrace and frankly I'd be ashamed of her. What an excuse for a decent human being she is.

That’s why I said it goes beyond finances.

She wants to feel she’s as worthy as her sister of being treated by her mother. She wants to feel equally cared for.

DD1 is a grown woman. She’s not a child that has to stand there shamefaced whilst her mother calls her a selfish brat. She’s got her own perspective that her mother should acknowledge if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter.

OP should only go ahead with the holiday with DD2 and her child if she’s actively wanting to blow up her relationship with DD1. Because that’ll be the outcome, not DD1 suddenly realising the error of her ways and begging OP’s forgiveness.

Equality does not equal fairness. Your DD do not need to be treated equally in all aspects of life.

Fairness in the sense of equity is having everything you need to make things “fair” - fairness is about creating a level playing field. It sounds like your DD1 just doesn’t get that and is acting like a child thinking that fairness means everything being the same for everyone. Which as she very well knows, it isn’t.

I bet she votes conservative!

Being treated fairly does not always mean being treated the same.

DD1 can afford a holiday, DD2 can’t. OP wants her children to have the same experiences.

It wanting to be treated equally to a sister she’s seen be paid for by their mother repeatedly.

‘fairly’ goes beyond finances.