Adult sibling jealousy

I am a sibling in this kind of scenario and no way would I be asking you to pay. I want to pay for my sister to do things she otherwise can’t afford but she gets offended when I offer so I’ve stopped now.

Could you say you’re going to lend the money instead but not make her pay you back?

Sometimes working part time means income is greater because of benefits plus child care is easier to get on part time hours. It’s not that someone doesn’t want to work full time but they actually get less income and can’t live on it.

I thought it was literally impossible to be worse off in work on universal credit.you can be not much better off relative to the amount you work but surely not worse off.

@ancientgran no, DD1 is asking for an equal amount, not the cost of her whole family.

Sometimes working part time means income is greater because of benefits plus child care is easier to get on part time hours. It’s not that someone doesn’t want to work full time but they actually get less income and can’t live on it. Op talk to dd1, see what she says is the issue. You appear generous to both and if it’s purely £££ id be upset too. If it’s that she feels less valued then it’s a bigger conversation about support.. dd1 has a dh and in-laws as support as well as you op. Dd2 has just you,. Is that fair, luck or just different life situations? Because her life has worked out dd1 earns more, but you helped with her house, childcare , and you are doing the same for dd2. They need different things at different times,. To begrudge your sister a holiday because op can’t fund everyone is awful imo, so I hope it’s a misunderstanding

*For perspective in my situation I am aware of my sisters neediness/vulnerability but of course there are times I am just like WTF when my parents cater to her every need. I think it comes from just always sorting out my own crap whereas sibling doesn’t.

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Im going to play devils advocate here OP. Do you give both of them as much of your time and care?

Im the "selfish" sibling you describe. My parents give so much of their time, love and worry to my sibling, it feels like they forget that money doesn't buy everything.

When I'm in a crisis, i need emergency childcare help as much as he does. When i'm off ill, i'd appreciate a caring phonecall. My job pays well but its also horribly stressful.

Its really hard to watch someone else's life choices be enabled, too (why doesn't your other daughter work full time?)? Remember your older daughter might have had some luck but a hell of a lot of her security is also wiser choices and plain old hard work.

She probably isn't jealous of the money, really. She probably just wants your time, your care and attention, to feel worried over & thought about like her sister is.

In my and my family's case, yes it is.

None of them could negotiate a multi million pound contract. But then I don't have an artistic bone in my body and nor could I mentor and counsel very troubled teens. It just happens that the talent I was born with makes more money than the talents they have.

Not saying that applies universally (although you seem to be saying that the opposite does...)

I agree with previous posters I don’t think it’s about the money necessarily. As someone with a lot of siblings it can be frustrating to watch my parents cater to the most ‘needy’ one over and over again. I know you probably don’t mean to leave DD1 out but I imagine that’s how she feels.

I imagine she’s not a horrid person but has come across so in this situation when it’s likely much more about the fact you obviously feel sorry for DD2 (understandably) and DD1 seems like she has a really good settled life (or at least a much better situation that DD1). For perspective in my situation I am aware of my sisters neediness/vulnerability but of course there are times I am just like WTF when my parents cater to her every need. I think it comes from just always sorting out my own crap whereas sibling doesn’t. I see both sides tbh, but I definitely think it’s about more than money. I think a sit down with DD1 is in order.

Yes part time!!
Clearly DD2 doesn’t need the money
I would be spitting feathers if I was DD1.

No it isn't

But the OP did give them money to help them buy their 2nd house so some things are given.

Oh I missed DD2 only working part time. Gosh…

I have a sole income of more than that. I consider myself fortunate in that I am very academically able and very well suited to both the degree I did and the career I chose. I'm not saying I haven't worked hard at times but a lot of it was luck, yes.

My siblings (and indeed my husband) are all incredibly intelligent and talented but not academic - their talents lie in areas that pay a fraction of my chosen career. They work far harder than I do! And again, yes, that is largely luck!

DD2 only works part time too!
It must be galling for DD1 whilst mother bankrolls her and does all the childcare.

DD2 could afford holidays if she worked properly like everyone else

Depending where you live and how many kids, £110,000 for a family is not necessarily huge. After tax etc and yes, typically it’s earned and worked for over years, not given to you.

You can really spot the parents on here that clearly treat their children differently and are in a hurry rush to defend their poor parenting and decisions. Or have/are benefiting from such an arrangement.

Fortunate? People don't wake up as adults with a household income of £110k.

What is equal about the OP paying for DD2 and her child and then being expected to pay for DD1s whole family, 2 adults and 2 children? I can't see what is fair about that never mind the fact that DD1 has more money than her mother.

Well none of them are going on a holiday they all dreamed of so I guess that's fair.

DD1 is behaving like a spoilt brat. She could of easily been in the same position as her sister but has been fortune enough not to be. If you want to pay for DD2 then do it :)

Oh piss off. I paid for my sister and dn to go on a very expensive holiday with me - partly because she earns maybe 1/5 of what I do and is a single mother as her dp died, but also because (shockingly enough) I wanted their company! Believe it or not some of us genuinely love our siblings and want the best for them.

My parents are in no position to help any of us financially, but if they were I would have no issue whatsoever with it going to my sister - she needs it and I don't!

You are still focused on the materialistic comparisons thunder It’s not about that - how times does it need to be posted !

@AuntMargo That is a good idea.

In you OP you said “There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter,”

Think through what they were and try to drill down with your DD1 where these feelings come from. I suspect they go back to childhood. Your DD1 is likely to get very upset and it will be a difficult conversation but push her to tell you the root of this.

Some of what she has to say will be hard and like other posters I suspect there maybe times DD2 was put first. Please do not try to defend DD2 if DD1 criticises her, stay silent and really listen to what DD1 is telling you.

Can you think back to when they were children, when they fell out did you expect DD1 to be the bigger person because DD2 was younger? Was one more challenging than the other? Did DD2 get to do hobbies, things at a younger age or because there was more money?

I entirely agree. DD2 needs to feel valued and emotionally secure - and she clearly doesn’t at the moment. You will find they will both benefit from this approach and DD1 is likely to feel much more generous if she doesn’t feel sidelined/second best.

Get the family in a good place then work out if the holiday is a good idea.

I feel for you, it’s tricky. While I definitely don’t think you should pay for DD1 or anyone should ever feel entitled to have you pay for their holiday, I am actually sort of DD1. I have been in a similar situation with my Dad and older sister & her husband. I have kids, she didn’t then. I felt annoyed that I saved hard, had small kids to financially take care of too and my sis just never worked hard to take care of herself, doesn’t save, has never taken the opportunities given to her by my parents to improve her situation financially and is always always being subsidised by the rest of us for holidays, meals etc etc I feel she was always spoilt as a kid and it’s extended into adulthood. It isn’t just money either, I just don’t think we are loved or treated the same. That may be how your daughter is feeling. The money really isn’t the issue usually. It’s more about you treating your children differently. Even if that’s not what she is actually saying.

But the OP has treated them equally, she has given both what they need. She has dond childcare for both plus extra treats for both and all the grandchildren, she has given both money when they’ve needed it, she has taken them all on a UK holiday which she paid for so they could all have a family holiday together