Adult sibling jealousy

If dd1 has chosen to tell her mum how much they earn, what is OP supposed to do

because it's inappropriate and sort of tasteless that they'd even be discussing it.

Hmm I actually see you dd1 POV. It's selfish but it's also a bit mean to give more to one dd and not the other. I prefer being fair myself, you act like your dd2 coercive relationship is to blame somehow but that's not your dd1 fault. Will you be leaving dd2 more money in your will because your dd1 earns more? I think fair is fair and this isn't.
But I do agree that if dd1 actually liked her sister she'd shrug and get on with it.

I totally get where your daughter is coming from. My sis is a single parent and it’s always my parents supporting her. Not just money but advice when buying a car, helping with tasks in the home, spending more time with her children as they don’t have a dad (they do), etc etc. I feel my kids loose out having a grandparent relationship as they’re parenting her children, you can’t help but feel jealous.

If dd1 has chosen to tell her mum how much they earn, what is OP supposed to do?

It's tough because as a parent you see that dd2 needs more support so you offer it and she takes it up. Your dd1 though will see that you don't spend as much time with her kids, that you are always their for dd2 but not her in the same way and as a dd I can tell you that rankles. It isn't her fault that your dd2 doesn't have her life together in the same way and to her she's likely to feel penalised for making the 'right' choices. Is she seeing things from your perspective, no but are you seeing things from hers?

I think this is where parents who have always treated their children exactly the same come unstuck. I have dc with ASD and others without and so they have always been aware that I treat them according to their needs and not exactly the same. So ds1 isn't resentful that I provide free childcare for dd1 because he sees that as a single parent she needs it and neither ds1 or dd2 are resentful of the extra support I give to their adult siblings because they recognise their needs are greater. Time to have a chat with dd1 and explain that being treated fairly doesn't necessarily mean being treated exactly the same.

Your eldest is jealous as she’s the one who has always done things right and never got a sticker
for sitting still while the younger one never sat still and gets a sticker or reward for sitting still. I don’t think this is necessary about the money. It’s different rewards for the same behaviour

please dont sabotage this post and turn it into something else, start your own if you want the answer to your questions

the poster has a point though and I agree. You really shouldn't be knowing what your daughter and her dh earn, that's an issue right there that is relevant to the op. It means you view them differently which creates a bigger divide between how you view/treat your 2 daughters.

You'll get loads of people calling her selfish but what is she really saying? That she doesnt feel like she gets a fair share of you? Can you make time for her or her DC? Doesnt have to be help but if this isnt resolved then there is little chance of them having an independent relationship. If you can get to the crux of it hen her jealousy will resolve.

And yes, at that income level, paying for childcare for multiple DC there may well be an element of resentment at the support that was withdrawn and the tens of thousands of pounds essentially being gifted to one sibling in the form of free childcare.

DD1 works hard and chose a solid life partner who also works hard.
DD2 works hard but got involved with an irresponsible co-parent, and you are trying to level things up for her a little.

Your sympathy for DD2 means you treat her more favorably than DD1.

I can understand as I guess when they were growing up everything was fair financially (at least). Perhaps birth order or family dynamics meant they had a financially similar upbringing but emotionally different, which (maybe) impacted their life choices.

I think it is best to treat your two daughters as fairly as possible, and try to do something which will benefit them both - like pay for a villa, or whatever % of it you can afford, and let them divide up the remainder of the cost.

My mother treats us children unfairly - and it will impact how each of us respond to her needs in later life. I get the short end of the stick ALL the time, and it impacts my relationship with her and my kids relationship with her. I will let my favored siblings do the running when my mother needs care.

Agree it's likely to be a pattern of wider behaviour - you spent lots of time with DD1's elder child, but then DD2 had children and was more in need of support and so your DD1's DC were sidelined I suspect (or that's how she sees it).

You see it on here time and time again. One sibling, often the elder one, is viewed as being ok, lucky, capable etc. Doesn't need anything. Another lurches from crisis to crisis, everything is dropped to help them. They couldn't possibly be expected to be independent in the way their other siblings are, etc. Many posters have commented that they feel punished for doing all the "right" things.

That may not be what's happening here but I suspect there's a grain of truth in it and perhaps this is the straw that's broken the camel's back.

It's your money to spend how you want to, but I always felt the Prodigal Son's elder brother had a valid point.

Can I ask a question op but if you needed a lift to the airport or shopping dropped in or help moving furniture around which of your two dd would you ring first?

Wow.
If I was the eldest I’d be offering to help pay for the sister to go, so we could all go have a nice time and not demanding you pay for me too.

£110K after tax isn’t all that much these days!

😂Only on Mumsnet!

As another poster has said look at all the negative words and tones you use about DD1 and then look at how nicely you talk about DD2. It really isn't about the holiday it's about the disparity in how you treat them (and may even be obvious to her how differently you feel about them). Hard as it is has been for your DD2 I feel sorry for DD1.

It sounds like both you and your younger daughter resent your eldest’s success. £110K after tax isn’t all that much these days!

No CB, take home maybe £5-6K/month? Take off mortgage of, eg, £1500, childcare of another £1500, bills another £1500, food and everything else £1000. There’s not much spare and they’re both working!

Conversely, the youngest gets all the help going, help with childcare, help emotionally, etc. She may well have more disposable income than her ‘richer’ sister.

You pay for both or none at all. The girls have made different choices in life but unless as a consequence of ill health, they’ve had equal chances of success. You’re penalizing the oldest unfairly.

You need to remind her of this.

And point out how completely disappointed and appalled by her attitude and entitlement.

Maybe she just doesn’t want to go on holiday with you or use her holiday budget up on her extended family.

I think dd1 is being unreasonable asking for a free holiday but I also don’t think it’s fair to expect dd1 to pay for everyone. A household income of £110k doesn’t mean you can afford £10k+ to pay for 7 people to go on holiday!

If you have more than 1 DC, I think this will always be a balancing act.

My DP favour my DB, he is by far the youngest and the golden child. There was an inheritance about 15 years ago where I was due to receive more than my siblings but I made sure we all received the same. It does grate as over the years I know that my DS received money towards her first house and so did DB plus other sums of money for cars etc. It is also true that DH and I are the only couple with well paid professional jobs, although this has come with long hours and other sacrifices. I am also the person that supports my parents (medical needs etc) the most. As the oldest and as this has been going on for 50 years I just live with it. I also don't bank on any inheritance.

On the holiday front there was a group holiday this year, 1 paid 50/50 with my parents, DB won't contribute if DS doesn't have to and DP had already agreed to pay for her this year, is it fair? No. Is it equal? No. Will I do anything about it? No. If I hadn't paid then the holiday wouldn't have happened, however I have made it clear that this was a one off and that any future plans need to fit everyone's budget.

I have 2 adult DC of my own and currently they are in similar positions and we are trying to ensure that they get equal support both financially and emotionally.

I believe that you believe you have treated your daughters fairly, based on their respective needs at the time.

None of us know all the details of your life. There is always three sides to the story, your perception, their perception, and the truth… which is probably somewhere in the middle.

I think at the moment that this is a highly emotive issue for you and you are a little defensive and overly focused on your perception being right. You need to take an impartial view and really think about what DD1’s perception of the situation is… I think if she is a good sister and they get along, she ultimately won’t mind if you give money to DD2… but some acknowledgment and actually getting to the bottom of the issue would go along way.

me too....i have three sisters and none of us would ever dream of accusing our parents of showing too much favour to one of us. Maybe it's a cultural thing (we're Indian background) but it would seem disrespectful. I would also help out my sisters as much as i could, whatever mistakes they made in life...because i would hope they might return the favour if need be!

I agree with this. I voted YABU but not with regard to paying for the whole holiday for DD1 as well as DD2. I think there is more underlying resentment that DD2 seems to be favoured far more than DD1 and the mention of you paying for DD2's holiday is the final straw.