Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

I am a grandparent I work full time I also look after my grandchildren and my elderly mother who has dementia. I don’t grudge one minute of it BUT it’s tiring and some days I would love to have no responsibility I feel that this age I’m at now is the hardest as I am caring for 2 generations at either side me

We just about paid our mortgage and bills. No car, and rare holidays (not abroad). No child tax credits, either. No facials, Botox, manicures, designer handbags, and we rarely bought clothes/anything unnecessary. It was hard!

Are you on glue? 🙄🤣

My MIL made it very clear that they would not be available for childcare - 'I'm not going to be one of those grandmothers'. PIL live about 10 miles away and DP about 350 miles away. Both sets did the very rare occasional babysitting; PIL overnights and DP weekends. DP kept saying that they wanted to move closer to help out, but never actually made any moves to make it happen. I think the last time DM mentioned it DS2 was around 13, so I said it's a bit too late for that Mum (she looked a bit put out). We just had to get on with it.

@StillMedusa You are still young. Are you very well off that you do not have to do paid work or pay into your pension?

I'm a Granny who has recently given up work (after going part time) to care for my Grandchild.
But I do it because I WANT to and because I can! I'm 54 so too young to retire and am considering whether to look for different p/t work that I can fit around my DD2's childcare needs or whether I may actually go through the process to become a registered childminder.
But I have a background of 17 years in Special Ed, love working with Early Years, and also know that because DD2 and her dh are nurses.. they can't get child care around their shift patterns... some days I have him at 630 am, tonight I was covering the gaps and putting him to bed!

DD2 doesn't feel entitled... just very grateful! And with half of my own children spread across the world, I feel incredibly lucky that my toddler Grandson is close and that I can be one of his main carers... for me it is a priviledge and delight to be someone he trusts and loved completely.

But no Grandparent should feel obliged! I had no help with my own four (Forces so no relatives nearby) and it was tough... so being able to help my own DD2 is lovely!

It’s because nobody can afford the bloody extortionate childcare costs in this country. And it’s only getting harder. If everybody didn’t have kids unless they had £700pcm+ spare for childcare there would be very few children wouldn’t there.

I expected a bit of help because my parents told me to move closer when I got pregnant, so that they could help. Having moved closer they told me not to enrol my son in nursery as they wanted to help instead. In actual fact they just made themselves unavailable every time I needed them, and eventually they did nothing to help or even show an interest. They don't generally visit, maybe an hour on special occasions, and my children are not welcome in their house in case they make a mess.
I do feel somewhat resentful, I'm not sure that's the same as feeling entitled.

I have a couple of friends who have expect so much from their own mum's in terms of childcare, because they spent so much time with their own grandparents growing up - as did I, however my mum (who does help me out where she can childcare wise) is still working full time in her early 60's whereas my gran was retired in her 40's and only worked part time before then, so had both the time and the energy to provide lots of childcare.

I love my grandchild but I don't want to do regular childcare and i most certainly don't think my ds and dil are " entitled" to childcare from me! I have raised my dc to adults and now its my time to enjoy my life.

You're talking utter bollocks.

WTF t fresh is talking utter nonsense doesn’t make any sense!!!!

Basic tax was 33% when I started work
The NHS is still free
Only 5% of the population went to university
Student loans were introduced in 1990, our kids have them
My first house was £70k

Apart from that I guess you’re right.

Today’s equivalent is Facebook buy and sell.

This ‘the new generation spend a fortune on everything’ is a load of rubbish.

it’s just the cost cutting measures change form.

My DM always made it clear to me that I should not expect her to look after any DC I had, before they were born. I was able up afford nursery for my DS (I worked 3 days; 1 of those days paid for childcare). When my DD arrived, I gave up work as my husband’s salary had increased. She went to preschool at 3. I DO realise how fortunate we are.
But still I felt that we had the best of both worlds, in that if I had any questions/issues with the quality of childcare, I could discuss this in a neutral way with the nursery/preschool. Rather than any awkwardness with DP. Most importantly, DP saw my DC when they wanted to as grandparents, not required childcare.
I realise this is different to many other families, but I know I avoided many disagreements with my DP this way. Lots of my friends whose DP did childcare fell out with theirs.
I know many families don’t have a choice with childcare options but feel like I honoured my DM’s wish by never even considering them having my DC other than at social times.

It makes me laugh when people are all ‘oh my parents didn’t splash out money on iPhones/gym memberships back in their day’
no because they didn’t fucking exist 😂 they weren’t valiantly going without.

Wow, a social scientist in the making! Of course those examples of technology didn't exist but there has always been 'the latest' in every generation! My parents were the first in our avenue to get a fridge, I was talking to my grandchildren the other day about watching the '53 Coronation on a tiny 9 or 12 inch black and whote TV, a lot of the neighbours in there and the curtains drawn! We'd actually bought/rented it for the Cup Final the month before. People bought/rented what they could afford, a lot of second hand furniture changed hands when young people were setting up home.

I know it's the MN mode to sneer at such 'anecdotes', that doesn't distract from their veracity.

How do your parents feel about your attitude to this?

Actually you are entitled if you think grandparents shouldn’t help out. They have done so for thousands of years. You know it takes a village and all. But the last generation where mum stayed at home with kids pretty much ended with the baby boomers. And yes they paid a lot less tax in comparison and had better benefits from the NHS being entirely free to going to Uni for free as well as ending their kids to Uni for free and not to mention being able to by a nice suburban 3-bed with garden for £3,000 and still paying a mortgage for this in 2000 20-30 years after buying it, when you couldn’t rent a bed sit for the tiny amounts they pay. Yes they were and are still a lot wealthier.

We moved away from our parents for work so have never had grandparents help as they’re too far away. If we lived closer, they probably would help out more but that is down to the choice we made so have never expected anything from them.

I do of course just wish sometimes they would offer to come down in the summer holidays and help out then as well as spend time with their grandchildren but they just think we can manage everything all the time. I don’t think they realise just how mentally exhausting it is sometimes, working full time, looking after children and there being no support. Sometimes I feel I need their support not just my children so we’d all benefit. They don’t see any problems we have because of the distance and sometimes it feels like they don’t care.

They don’t owe us anything but I wish sometimes they would just offer to help. They’re all retired so could. I’d be so grateful 🥹 and I think I’m perimenopausal which just adds to the pressure and my ramblings on here.

but for those entitled adults expecting grandparents to be there on tap, shame shame shame on you!!! Time to grow the fuck up!

What a disgusting post.

My in laws made it very clear they retired to retire, not become childcare. That's cool, don't blame you. Kids can be testing.

This rule however only applied to my husband, not his brother or sister 🤨

I will ask if they can help cover PD days or appointments if I'm desperate, but I'll do anything to avoid asking them for help because they were so adamant they didn't want to. They now have my nephew, and probably newborn niece, every Monday. Even pick them up from their house at 6.30am. I know I sound bitter, probably am a little bit tbh, but surely the grandkids should all be treated equally.

My mum however will help whenever she can because she remembers how difficult it was. She still works full time but will do what she can to help.

Id have left the grandkids with childrens social care. And then cried my eyes out at how badly id brought my children up.

Grandmother to a gorgeous 1 yr old. While I’m happy to babysit so my DS & DIL can have the odd afternoon or evening together, there is no way I would offer, nor would they ask me, to provide full time childcare. No prospect of retirement any time soon - sorry tfresh - your post is ridiculous.

Well I have met a grandparent at the school gate who was literally crying with exhaustion, begged the son and dil to lay off on the childminding and they told her she was obligated then went off on a couple holiday.

I also know another grandma who has a bad back and there’s days when she’s literally on her hands and knees and the kids get dumped on her regardless.

it should not be expected imo

Some of the entitlement here is unbelievable. Who'd've thunk someone like myself who has always practiced and preached equality and avoided the worst excesses of capitalism are personally responsible for the state of the UK as it is today.