Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

There’s a significant difference between actually being entitled to decide how to run your own life, and believing yourself to be entitled to the time and labor of other people.

It doesn’t take a village, it takes a village that is willing to help. The bottom line is that if you choose to have children, you are the one responsible for them until they reach adulthood. You can expect what you like, but that doesn’t mean anyone else is obliged to provide it.

@Standrews you sound lovely. I'm so happy your family are so close

Gyms definitely did exist, I had a membership to one in the 70s. It wasn't the dark ages you know.

When my son and daughter in law had their first child, they made a point of asking us if we wanted to be involved with any kind of childcare and we agreed on various ways of assisting. We also agreed as events changed, i.e., toddler, nursery, before and after school care, etc. that we would always be there for any kind of crisis or need. Both parents worked and as our second grandchild came 5 years later, we were able to follow the same pattern. Our eldest is now at university and we still pick up our younger granddaughter from High School for dental appointments or collect as and when needed. We look back now we are well into our eighties on the time spent (turned out to be many hours) with our grandchildren with joy. We were fortunate to have each other, I could not have managed without grandpa, changing nappies in the early days was a two-person job! We could not offer the same quality time for our other son and daughter in law as they lived 200 miles away. The overall blessing has been that we are part of a close and loving family unit, all birthdays, etc. are celebrated together where possible. We trump boyfriends and girlfriends at times like these.

Also full disclosure we do eat avocados (but I don't buy coffees out unless I'm with MIL who does every time and will often kindly offer to buy me one too)

Right well we don't have a dishwasher either, a washing machine and hoover yes and central heating that we can't really afford to run. And I can promise you my parents who were working class (van driver and bar maid who gave up work when kids were born) also had these things. And we are not poor at all! Probably slightly above the median earnings. But the commute costs us over 4 5k each a year and breakfast and after school clubs (I couldn't afford to work before the kids were in school - I have twins and their nursery fees were quite a bit higher than my salary)
As well as huge mortgage (which we were very lucky to finally have saved up a deposit for at age 34) and no I'd didn't do a travel gap year, worked from 18 dh is paying back student loan too.
But I'm not even unusual, this is the norm in my peer group. Oh and no gym membership either before you ask although we do pay £10 a month for online exercise classes!

@Faciadipasta - I guess being able to search the internet for a good price on gumtree is better than they had in the past. Ditto for searching for a good deal on a used car or flat rental. Not everyone may have had a dishwasher, central heating or sometimes washing machine, hoover (my parents grew up abroad) - these are time saving things and improve comfort. Difficult to travel abroad. Difficult to get certain types of food. Harder to get in touch with loved ones far away. Less opportunities for girls. House prices were lower but some components of standard of living were worse.

Why have children otherwise? Well maybe because you want to have children and raise them. Once. Not on repeat every time one of your children goes on to decide to have a child.
I'm very surprised there's so many women out there who seem to believe that by choosing to have a child you're committing yourself to a lifetime of childcare, ending only when you're too frail to manage it, or your youngest grandchild is too old to need it.

It is very reasonable of them to expect that ! Why have children otherwise? Also the world left behind for your grandchildren this is the least you can do !

I’m pretty sure they didn’t.
As pp have said, one tv, one car, one holiday in uk only was standard. I had new clothes twice a year - one coat/ pair of shoes for summer, one for winter. We didn’t consider ourselves badly off. If my parents had disposable income I have no idea where it went.
What is going on here is that people are seeing the older generation (and their financial positions) now, mortgage and debt free rather than when they were struggling same as everyone is now.

Has anyone mention avocados yet?

Things really aren't that different now. I'm not sure why the older generation thinks everyone younger than them is flash!

I'm pretty sure the younger generations have less disposable income then previous ones did at that age. Despite coffee & phones 😆

I always thought them v selfish that they never gave me a break considering their future expectations

Have they been looking after your sister all her life? Do they get a break? Maybe they are exhausted and don’t have any headspace to look after your DC too?

As for your sister, you start a conversation with them about her future!

@Arbesque but that's not exactly unusual. We live like that now! OK we own our telly but only 1, 1 (old, crap) car, 1 bathroom, hiring a flat in a different location for a holiday, just saved up for a loooongg time to buy our sofa, get most furniture second hand off gumtree or similar. And we earn a decent wage each. Things really aren't that different now. I'm not sure why the older generation thinks everyone younger than them is flash!
And no I don't expect regular childcare. I don't know anyone who does. I think everyone on this thread seems to be getting annoyed about a theoretical expectation rather than the reality!!

We always had a rented TV when I was a child. And there was no question of having more than one for the whole family to watch. Just as there was no question of having more than one bathroom and one car. My mother's holidays were cooking for us in a different location. If somebought a new couch or a new coat it was an occasion.

I hate this narrative that older people had it cushy and now their kids are paying the price.

@Namenic same

@rockyg - yeah, in my culture too it is normal for support to go both ways. I am open to either set of GPs moving in with us if needed but they are v independent currently. My parents can look after the kids but struggle with internet stuff (health appts, online purchases) - so we do that for them. It’s only a small thing for us, compared to what they do with the kids.

antelopevalley Sadly not! I've worked long enough for full State Pension but my work pension is peanuts (School TA) and so I am looking at ways to work that I can fit around caring for my Grandson. I suspect it will end up with me either doing Care work , bank shifts or going self employed.. hence considering Childminding as I have a decent amount of Early Years knowledge and experience...and I love little ones. I only stopped in August and am off to see my eldest son who lives in Australia for a few weeks... once I'm back the hunt is on for either a flexible job, or a way to be self employed!

I think you needed to shout because your absolutely spot on!

My parents definitely didn't want to do the childcare. My mum made some weird offer of maybe doing a morning a week if I moved back to be near them. Not tempting, so I didn't. Interestingly though, I am expected to have my mentally and physically disabled sister permanently live with me, (which obviously I will), in a couple of years time. This has never been discussed , yet expected. I always thought them v selfish that they never gave me a break considering their future expectations

This is part of the reason we have decided NOT to have a second child.

I waited until I was 35 to have my daughter, and my mum was older when she had me too.

My parents kindly have my daughter 2 afternoons a week between 1-5pm. They are happy with this this. When they go on holiday (which they do 3/4 times a year) I swap my work days around or take time off to care for my daughter those afternoons. If my workload won’t permit that then she does extra sessions at preschool.

While I’m aware circumstances can change, I’m a strong believer that you shouldn’t have kids if you can’t pay for their needs or care for them yourself. If I have another baby now I already know my parents won’t be available to help as they already told me when we discussed it. I earn a good wage but am looking forward to not having preschool fees. If I have another baby it will have to go into full time nursery and I’m not willing to do that. So no second baby.

How very generous of you.

@Wouldloveanother why would you only need support if you were infirm? Just general stuff, eg my mum doesn't like driving anymore so I will sometimes give her a lift, my mil is over cooking so we will often cook her a lasagna etc. DH is going to fix my dads dishwasher today & yesterday I touched up my mums greys. My mil always has a list of DIY jobs.

If the GPs need support it’s likely they’re too old or infirm to look after children for any significant amount of time.

For the grandparents who don't help out of choice as opposed to distance, health etc & for the dc who don't have any help do you have help/give help to gps for support they might need?

I had/have help with dc but likewise help gps with things they may need. It's normal in my culture for families to all pitch in & often be too involved! 😆