Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

We never got any help from grandparents - they refused to even babysit if the kids were awake (both sets!) Not surprisingly they aren't close!

Well, my mother had 8 children. Shifted many of us off to grandparents for the summer and other holidays or expected us kids to help parent her kids. I spent most of the holidays with my grandparents and most weekends.

no my mother didn’t work.

I think it’s the least she can do is provide what her mother did for her.

and no she still doesn’t work.

Such stereotyping on this thread..
A lot of bitterness too which is sad as a lot of pps equating free childcare with love for grandchildren.
In middle age, after grafting for years with no end in sight are we as grandparents a resource to plunder?
If you are all concerned about lack of decent childcare campaign for change, do something more positive!
Lower your lifestyle expectations for a few years and go part time or pay for it.
Family member spent 55k on wedding fell pregnant after six months. That could have easily paid for a long stint at home, but the big wedding, house, lifestyle maintenance forced her back.
Shall we give up our incomes so you dont have to cut back?

She’s presumably talking about baby boomers who were able to survive on one wage and were easily able to buy property which has risen in price hugely, while their kids can’t afford a house and both parents have to work.

However, it isn’t the grandparents who have created the system.

You ok hun? 🙄

By the time I retired, my grandchildren were all in their 20s!

I was never looked after by my grandparents (I only had the 1 set on my dad's side my mum's parents died before I was born), thank the Lord. Nasty pair of fuckers they were. My own parents helped out, more so when I became a single parent, but that help was always offered by them and never expected by me.

Meh, the grandparents have raised those adult children- they're responsible if they've turned out entitled and ungrateful!

OK, I know it's not always that simple. But my own dad has said many times that he won't be tied to regular childcare, which is fair enough! And so I never built my life around the assumption of plentiful free childcare.

He's fantastic about helping out in emergencies, he's stepped in before when the childminder has been ill etc, but he expects me to arrange and pay for the regular childcare I need - this feels like a great arrangement to me, and I'm very grateful for when he does step in and help out.

so if the gc are the responsibilty of the gps, then where do the parents come in?

I never expected “childcare” from anyone for my DCs. I was a SAHM but if I’d needed to work then I would have used professional childcare. BUT an occasional night out with my DH would have been nice. My own GPs often babysat when I was small and I used to go and stay with them for a week at a time. DH had a similar experience with his own GPs. My DCs never stayed with GPs unless I was staying there too and my dad babysat ONCE when I only had one DC, FIL also did once. From what I saw of my friends they all had regular nights out / breaks away thanks to their parents babysitting - I think it’s pretty normal and yes, I was bitter about it….

My sister off-loaded her kids to both sets of grandparents for free childcare because she was too lazy to do her own parenting. I thought was a massive piss-take and I know both the grandmothers felt put upon. My sister definitely felt entitled and believed it was "their duty". She even dumped an unwanted dog on one of them.

thats the child she raised, with those values

Its shit for her, but seriously

Why is making decisions based on your head ‘cold’, and painted as a negative thing?

Yes, human decision making is erratic, but that doesn’t change the fact that the ones responsible for bearing the consequences are the decision makers themselves. Making an emotionally driven choice, however normal and understandable, does not mean that other people are required to step in.

And yes, it is perfectly possible (and oftentimes desirable) to overrule your heart with your head. We’re not actually slaves to our emotions, helpless in the face of them. Not wanting to make a particular choice does not mean you’re incapable of making it. Self control is generally considered to be a desirable trait, is it not?

noix, plenty of former generations’ parents didn’t have help with childcare. I didn’t, my own (DM born 1918) didn’t, and neither did any of her siblings - all lived too far away from GPs. It often seems to be assumed that most people have family living conveniently around the corner - many don’t.

I offered one day a week with the first Gdc, but because we live 60 miles away that meant staying the night before. I was already 67 when the first arrived, so when the 2nd arrived only 15 months later, I knew I’d find it that much more tiring - we offered to help with childcare costs instead - yes, I know we were fortunate to be able to do so.
I/we still willingly do one-offs and emergencies, if we can.

My inlaws are retired, young and on good pensions. They were given a substantial gift of money for their deposit, my fil’s parents helped them renovate their first home, and fil’s mother provided them with full time childcare so my mil could get back to work.

None of this help has been offered to their son (my dp) not that they have to, but my gmil is horrified that none of the assistance that she gave her son and dil have been given to the next generation (myself and dp).

Personally I don’t accept money or help from people I don’t like, so it’s a big whatever from me, but it definitely doesn’t endear me to them, and they will have a very minimal relationship to our baby. (Not just because of this but a multitude of issues we have had with them).

In the past, we had a village. Now we have none. Parents get no break.

wow that is some ,mental gymnastics!

I'd be happy to have grandparents who would babysit so DH and I could go out for the odd evening (we live too far away for that sadly). Meanwhile Mum has saved DBro and SIL a fortune by providing childcare three days a week for years and years. She even looked after their children for a week so they could go to a destination wedding. Never offered to come and look after our children though so DH and I have only had 2 nights away from the children in 15 years.

I’m a Generation X-er & have seen the whole Boomer catastrophic utopia unravelling for nearly 50 years now, and whilst Boomers, by their very nature having been born at a time where prosperity was rising, there was cheap & affordable housing & they could have jobs for life, even I can see, with the inequality our Gen Y & Millennial children face, that Boomers don’t have a moral obligation to look after their grandchildren.

However, should they choose to, make it equitable between siblings, whatever generations are involved.

Most of us Gen X-ers who are becoming grandparents now are juggling elderly parents, teenage children & the prospect of grandchildren, with work (in my case, contracting here & there). Whilst I don’t have grandchildren yet, I will try & ensure an equal time split for my children, or try to help financially if I can. One of my adult kids is 50 miles away - we no longer live in single town families due to following the work, few of us settle into single jobs for life - but I’ll be sure to reach an equilibrium with my kids so neither feels like they are being disadvantaged or favoured by the time or help I can give.

I don't agree that it's all grandmother's. As a teacher l see its mostly grandads that pick up from school and the dc talk about their gd bringing them to football etc. I actually think the gds enjoy it as they get bored and fidgety at home and it breaks up their day. I know the gas are involved too but they are pretty hands on.

My bil has minded his gc two days a week for years..other GPS do the other days. His wife works so he is full on and loves it. He is semi retired and does his work from home on the other days. His other children are moving quite near him and it's obvious they have their eye on him as their childminder too.

My own parents never had regular childcare for me and my sister when we were young - both sets of grandparents were too far away. Yes we sometimes spent a few days there over holidays but the whole idea of regular childcare is so alien to me. My own kids are now teens but we followed the same pattern when they were little - my parents are 90 minutes away, inlaws are 3 hours away - so although the kids spend a weekend there during holidays, regular childcare, picking up from school etc just wasn't an option.

Some grandparents do need to learn how to say no. To be pushovers to this extent is just ridiculous.

🧐

I know someone who went and recently got a qualification in order to do a particular job that is not remotely suited to her being a single parent with young children who require childcare. She just expected her parents to provide childcare for 12 hour shifts both during the day and night shifts. They recently retired and bought a holiday home where they were hoping to spend lots of time at. They had to keep coming home, to another country to provide childcare. They have just sold their holiday home and are now back living in their house to provide childcare. Friends attitude is, well they need to provide childcare, I can't afford to pay someone nor do my shifts fit around childcare providers. The grandparents aren't happy about it but feel they have no choice.

Maybe grandparents should think about this before having children themselves then, I wish I had grandparents to help out with childcare my mum lives ages away and my dad is a black cab driver and I’m not expecting to give up his self employment to look after my child but he does pick her up from school occasionally if I have to work late.

If grandparents are not working and are happy to provide childcare then why not however if They don’t want to they shouldn’t have to..children shouldn’t make them either …but at the same time I’ve had a daughter and I know what it’s like out there in the world especially with learning and work so I’m happy to provide childcare if she ever has a child in future As I knew this might be a possibility when I got pregnant