Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

Surely most grandparents are still working?
I will be working until at least 67.

it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place

Is this serious? Having a child doesn't mean you are then responsible for them for the rest of their lives or for any children they may have! That is just complete nonsense

My parents were always clear that they would not provide full-time childcare but we're happy to help out, and I fully agreed with that. They retired around the time the GCs were born, and my sister and I both wanted them to enjoy their retirement, having both worked since leaving school at 16.

They both have hobbies, enjoy travelling, and have friends round; they do a day's childcare for each of us (my sister and I - all the kids are at school, so it's just picking them up and being there for a couple of hours) and they're happy to step in if there's an emergency, and they usually have each set of GCs for a night during school holidays. Everyone's happy.

On the other hand, when SIL had kids, she expected MIL to mind them full time as soon as she went back to work - so MIL drive to her house for 6.30am, waited till school time and dropped off whichever ones were in school, drove home with the pre-schoolers, then went back to do the school run (which was sometimes 2 runs when they got out at different times). Then she'd do homeworks and get them fed and changed, ready to be collected. She also did things like going to the post office to collect missed parcels, sorting out tradesmen who'd come to do stuff to SIL's house - all those little things that add up to quite a bit of hassle if you have a toddler under your arm. She died at just 60, and DH is fairly sure that the childcare was a big factor because she was just permanently exhausted, and never got a break. But they had the attitude that "family help each other", which mainly seemed to translate to "mum will do everything".

I can only put it down to weakness by those that agree to something they do not really want.

My parents are long-since dead, gone before my child was born. My mum at least would have made a wonderful grandparent. The in-laws were hardly attentive parents, let alone grandparents. They actually forgot my husband's 10th birthday. They have never so much as babysat our 7-yo, much less taken on a regular childcare commitment. They owe us nothing, have offered nothing, we've asked for and have taken nothing, and in turn owe them precisely nothing. No obligations there whatsoever.

Suits me, for one. DC and DGP do have a relationship, purely on the in-laws' own terms, which amounts to about 3 visits per year. It's all facilitated through DH; I'm no longer involved.

We knew before we had DC there would be no breaks. We were fine with that choice.

I think it's entirely up to the grandparents but what some entitled children never seem to consider is if they have siblings who also have children - are the grandparents supposed to help bring them all up??? If the grandparents look after one set of grandkids two days a week are they expected to look after another set the same? Could end up having no time to themselves at all.

this has to be a wind up!

Is this increase of entitlement on mumsnet? I don't see an increase out in the world, with the people I know. In fact, nobody I know counts on their parents for regular childcare and are usually reluctant to ask for even occasional babysitting. Much easier to find good reliable childcare for both work and leisure with no strings attached.

I don't really have a dog in this fight, so I don't feel strongly either way.

But I think grandparents helping is kind of just how life goes. isn't it? No, you don't have to. But wider family pitching in with kids is how society has worked all over the world since pretty much forever. So I don't really think it's entitled to expect it tbh, though I think it would be rude/entitled to try and insist on it if the grandparents decline.

At the same time, I have no opinion on GPs who decide they don't want to help out. Fair enough, horses for courses.

Though I should add, I’d hope to be in a position where I could support my DCs in the future in this way, in as healthy a dynamic as possible (fingers crossed).

It's a lovely idea for dgp's to take on the childcare.
I'm mid 50's, working full time, can't afford to retire until I'm 67, I've been taking care of my elderly dm (stage 4 cancer, recently passed away) whilst trying to hold down my full time job.
Dd is TTC and I'd love to help with any potential childcare but I need to work.
I've spent my whole adult life working and looking after children and dm.
When dd was a child I had to pay for childcare, no free nursery hours back then, my dps were still working.
When do I get to do just me?
Then you get ops stating how easy we've had it 🙄

So many things that feed into such an attitude. Seeing other families where grandparents provide childcare, growing up in an extended family where you saw others get such support but for some reason it isn’t available to you. I had this scenario and it was an eye opener but I don’t hold it against anyone, I can see why some people would say no. Thankfully managed on my own for early years before DH’s job finally got some
flexibility. On the plus side it means I owe the cult of the extended family ‘support network’ sweet FA.

Well that's a lorry load of bollocks for a start.

I’m fortunately in a position to give my children has much help as they need with my grandchildren and I don’t begrudge them a minute of it. I still have my own life outside of childcare and all it involves for my 8 grandchildren and as long as I’m able to support my children I’ll continue doing so. It’s great fun and I love being with my grandchildren.

But for those people that have made their decisions based on what is rational, it is hard to understand those who don’t. Knowing full well that it happens does not mean you can particularly understand why. Especially when you see the anticipated negative consequences play out.

I work full time still and it has been my DH who has regularly minded DGD by himself.

Ah you're the entitled one then.

Someone I know said to me about her mum 'they're her grandkids she has to baby sit them, that's her job.' I sat there and my mouth nearly hit the floor. That attitude is disgusting and so wrong.

I also have 2 disabled sons, one I am carer for.

Erm, could we all just agree that childcare is too expensive in this country and successive Governments are repeatedly turning a blind eye to this? This factor is surely at the root of any tension here.

My continental friends cannot believe what I pay for childcare (it's between 1600/1800 pcm for nursery in London).

I didn’t say making rational cold cost benefit motivated decisions was negative @whumpthereitis. You’re reading a lot into the word cold which can be used to mean the opposite of hot headed, or emotional.

Nor did I say other people were required to step in.

You’ll see from a previous message I posted that I said I agreed with the OP that grandparents shouldn’t feel pressured into offering childcare, but that in a similar spirit to the way OP is expecting parents to rationally chose to have kids or not, grandparents who don’t want to provide any care should just step up and say so. Problem solved.

What I said was that wasn’t typical human behaviour to make decisions in this rational calculating way and that it was therefore a bit disingenuous / credulous for OP to ask why people have kids if they can’t afford them, when the vast vast majority of life decisions aren’t made in a way that is informed by future economic predictions.

In my 70s, always worked,(irresponsible first H, got behind with the mortgage) frequently had 4 jobs. Second marriage,baby at 41, grandmother at 42,looked after DGKs, plus working FT nights,THEN father who was terminally ill,and an 80 mile round trip. Have spent the past 8 years helping out with DGKs,and said I would when I retired, also an 80 mile round trip (they recently moved 5 miles away, been taking them to school 5 miles each way, but in different directions, plus collecting.

So much this. It is always women fucking working till they drop.

Honestly, I despair of the attitude of some people on here. People should not be having children if they are reliant on using their grandparents as free childcare. It’s great if GP’s want to help out with ad hoc babysitting but the parents need to be aware that circumstances may change as time goes on. Grandparents have their own lives too.

Well, duh. Of course it’s retired people volunteering, because working people are at work!
These groups will likely disappear by the time I’m retired (I’m in my 20s) because people won’t be retiring as there will be no state pension and fewer people will own property.

I think it is ridiculous how much help modern parents seem to demand as their right now. I managed to go to work and bring my child up on my own, 300 miles away from family and with a husband in the services who was away more than he was home.
I've known grandparents in their late 60's looking after one year olds while the parents go abroad on holiday!
Why is it seen to be so much harder for them now, genuine question? (We had to pay for every single day at nursery too, no voucher scheme then.)