Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

I'm so sick of being told I didn't need to work in the 70s and 80s. Why did I run myself ragged when apparently it was possible for us to live on what my husband earned. We were obviously doing something very wrong because our mortgage was crippling. I only knew one mum who didn't work, the rest of us all did, some fulltime and some parttime. If only we'd had the younger generation of MN to tell us we didn't need to.

As a grandparent myself I'll be working for at least another 10 years before I even get to the state retirement age. If I retire before then I'll incur major financial penalties and would presumably risk becoming a burden to my children simply to keep a roof over my head.
My grandson lives 80 miles away and it costs approximately £30 in fuel just to babysit him for a day.People need to be realistic.

I know. My jaw dropped when I read that. And then we have the “They had their turn, it’s your turn now” posts. Which is it?

It was not the norm when I was young. I wonder how old you are?
It was fairly normal for working single parents as there was no childcare tax credit, so for most childcare would have taken up nearly their whole wage. It is why those without family to provide this usually did not work.

Completely agree.

It's hard to know because each family is different. I'm one that maybe you would call entitled as my DM was initially resistant to looking after DS (12mo) 1 day a week, but DF was very keen so I pushed it and she agreed. However, we voluntarily pay for nursery that day anyway in order to be able to change the arrangement as soon as it's not working for them, or if they want to go on holiday at the last minute etc.

I think a lot of families are in the financial situation where if DGP didn't do at least some regular childcare, they would not have enough disposable income left at the end of the month, and I think it is absolutely horrendous that subsidising childcare from 6 months is not at the front of any party's policies when we have some of the most expensive in the world. But then that of course should be voluntarily agreed with the DGP before the grandchildren are conceived, if you can't afford it you should really save up or wait, it's not your own parents' responsibility.

I know a GP who says she sees tonnes of grandparents on the edge of burnout or breakdown because when they agreed to do one day a week for a sweet little 6 month old they never discussed an exit plan and are now doing childcare for a rampaging 4 year old and a 2 year old sibling that since appeared. An exit plan is super important - the adult child needs to know and understand there will be situations the GP doesn't want to do it any more and that it is their prerogative and withholding affection or time with the DGC is not fair.

I agree OP, there does seem to be an increased sense of 'entitlement'.

It is almost as if some mums still think of themselves as being children, as if the relationship with their parents has never evolved from child-parent, to adult-adult.

As soon as I became an adult I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I did.
I was the young one with energy to manage a full time job, travel, a busy household and keeping in touch with family.

I did not 'expect' that my elderly parents should be expected to do anything for me. It was my time to spoil them! My parents had done it all for me when I was a child so when I was the adult - becoming stronger and more able when they were becoming less able - for me it was no longer ‘what can my parents do for me?’ but ‘what can I do for my parents?’.

I always had emotional support but I never viewed them as ‘defective grandparents’ because they didn’t babysit or spend their retirement helping me or didn’t ask after the children enough. I viewed it (very happy to do so) as my job to make the weekly phone calls, check that they were alright and keep them up to date with pics and news about the children. Visits were always more of a family event with all of us.

I never asked for babysitting. I organised babysitters. It wasn’t hard to do, swapping with other mums when the children were younger and making sure I had a long list of local trusted teenagers when the children were older.

Point is, I was an ADULT. I sucked up the hard parenting times, just as I knew my own parents had once done for 18 years, for me. I didn’t want them to have to babysit or child mind, I wanted them to enjoy life and enjoy their freedom.

I grew up with working parents. My grandparents didn’t watch us so my parents could work. We were latch key kids. Walked ourselves to/from school and stayed home in the house/garden until my mother came home from work. She worked locally so was home much earlier than dad, who worked in the city.

we never had grandparents to look after our children.

do really it is false statement above about grandparents always looking after grandchildren. My husband didn’t have his grandparents look after him either (boarding school).

my kids are old enough to have children. We can’t wait to be grandparents BUT that does not mean we will be giving up jobs/retirement to care for them weekly. Yes, we’ll watch them for occasional date nights, will want to take the grandchildren places and hopefully on holidays but not as regular childcare.

Honestly
My mother was very clear with us in that while she'd be happy to help out on an ad hoc basis, she wouldn't want to be tied to a permanent arrangement and honestly i feel exactly the same, My oldest is 12 and youngest 9 and i fantasize about the days they are more self sufficient, I spend all my time feeding them, driving them around, helping with homework and arranging playdates. I do it because its my job ( on top of my 40 hour a week job) but would I in 20 years be signing up do it again ( even on a slightly easier basis), No way.
I dream of travelling a little, taking up all the hobbies I have on my bucket list.
Its nice if people want to do it but its fine if they don't as well, Doesn't make them bad people and totally unfair of people to expect it

As a grandparent I can tell you all about the world I created. I paid taxes from the age of 18 onwards - as of Sunday that will be 48 years of taxes. I have been a trade unionist for 50 years, and have fought for equality, wages, conditions and childcare. I have argued and campaigned for better health care, for better and more social housing, and for an education system that children deserve that isn't based on wealth buying success. I fought the poll tax, apartheid, and numerous other injustices. I could continue the list, but I have been fighting to create a better world for so long and on so many fronts that I have forgotten half of what I have done.

And I can't afford to retire, I can't afford to look after your children, and it was the younger generations who sold us all down the swanee with their "I'm all right Jack" attitudes that destroyed the very things we fought for and means that like many of my generation TWO people had to go out to work, with no childcare provision at all.

No mate - this is the world YOU created. Equality, justice and fairness doesn't arrive unannounced - you have to fight for them. And for decades we were called the old dinosaurs tilting at windmills. So forgive me if I have no sympathy that you don't like your world. So stop whining and go out and change it.

It should never be expected that grandparents will help though many enjoy it.

I am a sucker for my DC if there was anything I could do to help make life easier for them I'd be happy to help.

My parents helped me, Dad was very close to DS and enjoyed occasional child care.

That’s right, it’s all the boomers’ fault what a load of old shite.

YANBU

I saw the strain poor MIL was put under because of this entitled attitude form BIL & SIL. And she still worked FT!! Then when the kids hit school age she stopped being invited on family holidays because clearly she was of no use to them. I’m surprised how many parents have similar attitudes

I expected that they would want to help and they did. I wouldn't expect anyone to do it full time or give up anything in order to do it, but in my family people help one another out and live close by. There always used to be extended family looking after kids in days gone by, and people lived with one another in large households, no-one had professional childcare and all the women in my family have always worked! We also run parents and inlaws to medical appointments, pick them up from holidays, look after their dogs. I find the modern expectation/or the only way they can live is that couples live miles away on their own with no help more weird TBH.

Haven't RTFT but my parents used to provide mostly all childcare for my brother and his now ex wife ,when it came to me they were too old they said to help and they've done their bit which I do agree with to a certain extent both my parents and in laws live within 5 min drive away but neither have had to have my children longer then 2 hours. My husband's sister however expects my MIL to provide childcare 7 days a week, she doesn't even give her a break at weekends when they all come for lunch and dinner as they can't be bothered to cook for themselves. My mil hasn't been on holidays for ages and they give her both small children age 1 and 2 to have on her own and she admits to others she can't handle it but she has no choice.

We don’t live near any family, so we’ve used nursery, wrap around care and holiday clubs. My husband once worked out how much we paid out - he wishes he hadn’t!

Both my SIL are teachers I’ve never asked them to help in the holidays.

They did stay at both grandparents for a few days in the summer holidays - but only really between ages 5-8.

My Dad works shifts and when my daughter got chicken pox my Dad did come up to help cover a couple of days. My MIL also helped when my youngest had bad chest infection.

Both my parents still work full time so even if we lived close they’d not really be able to do much! I’d never expect it or feel entitled to help.

I have never expected grandparents to help. Growing up our parents parents watched us so our parents could work.

My parents still work but if they didn't it would be their choice to help I would never ask I don't like asking even for a few hours every so often.
But I do feel a bit deflated that I myself cannot work due to childcare we have disabled children one requires 24/7 care.

I wish child care did not cost as much as it does then possibly I could have a career. I love my children and being a mum but wish I was something other than a mum to.

When my children were small, both sets of grandparents were working fulltime. I worked nights, my husband worked days and we had no need for paid childcare. Once they were at school, we utilised the breakfast and afterschool clubs.

My now adult children have yet to have children themselves, but DH and I are still working and likely to be doing so for at least another 5 years. Then I am blowing my pension pot on extravagant holidays, and I am not intending to spend my retirement sitting in soft play centres or doing the school run.

This attitude may change when I am presented with a squishy newborn grandbaby though 😂

I could not/would not/have not given up work to care for my grandchild. I am 54 with 13 years to go before retirement and still have a child as Secondary School.
I am helping to pay for dgrandaughters nursery fees though, which is the most I can do.
I never stayed at home when mine were small. Years later and a dodgy back makes it no more appealing!

I'd love to do more volunteering. I use some of my holidays from work for a charity event I'm involved with, and do evening meetings and weekend events.

If (like years ago) my husband's salary enabled us to buy a house and run the household, I'd happily run a Brownie pack or volunteer at a local museum because I could do housework and cooking in the day. Or I could work and he could do that.

But the reason it's mainly retired people volunteering now is if you need two full-time salaries, housework and cooking gets pushed to evenings and weekends and you obviously can't do things that involve volunteering during the day.

This dependence on grandparents isn’t going to work for the country in the long term. We need proper investment in affordable childcare.

Grandparents of the boomer generation can kind of manage this because they’ve not had to work full time whilst raising their own children, and many have been able to retire early ish with few money worries.

I say this as someone who has paid for their own childcare as no family near by (had grandparents visit for the odd day sometimes and been helpful, or asked to have and had the kids to stay from time to time, but not the same thing as using them for childcare)

People of subsequent generations will be EXHAUSTED by the time they retire, as people were in years gone by. We have mostly raised own our children whilst working full time. We won’t retire until 68 or older. We won’t have long retirements in which to help out, and will probably be dead on our feet. We need something put in place to allow future generations to live their lives sensibly.

I like this analogy it really does depend on the willing of the village. It then also works both ways when people are aging and need help with shopping or cleaning that their village may be less willing depending how they were treated.

I don’t think it’s right to expect regular childcare, although it amazing and hats off to those GP. I think it’s acceptable to expect GP to be involved, offer occasional babysit and generally be supportive.

My mother was a SAHP and used the phrase I’ve done my time. So basically isn’t involved and has never even babysat my kids.

I can’t wait to be a GP and be more involved. I will most definitely be helping as much as I can.

When my grandchildren were born, I was working full time as a senior teacher and couldn’t give that up because we would have been homeless. I looked after the first during the holidays so her mum could have a break and I babysat nearly every weekend. The same when the second arrived. We had them for weekends and, when I went part time, I collected from school. They’re old enough not to need childcare now.

We were two working parents and I used a child minder. There was no free childcare at all. My in laws wouldn’t have offered; my mum lived with us, but didn’t want the responsibility. I did enjoy having them around, but as you get older, it’s more and more difficult.

We were financially struggling when our children were small. Things eased a bit when they were grown and we had a bit more disposable income. Things are tight again now, as they are for many. We’ve helped out our children in many practical ways and childcare has been one of them.

Probably because it was the norm when I was young,my grandparents watched us every morning before school plus every day in the school holidays.my own parent’s don’t help me by the way.

When we brought up our kids our parents lived too far away to provide full time child care but they did help out. I told my kids that I will not be a full time childminder for them but of course we don’t mind helping out.