Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

Most of the grandparents at my children's school pay for the school fees.
End do drop offs and pick ups.
Often the holidays too.
These are parents earning £100k plus each.
It's how the rich get richer, if we start lambasting the poor for coping it's only going to end one way.

It's fine ,and I would think natural, to want to help your kids out with occasional babysitting and in an emergency. What's not fine is having kids and assuming that GP's will commit to regular childcare when they've already raised their families and are enjoying their retirement. Reading through some of these posts, it's very clear there's a lot of entitlement going on.

Yes should not be presumed. Ties your days. My mother never helped prob 1 nights babysitting in ten years! We just had to manage. Was very hard though. I envy people with loads of help.

S

In wealthier circles grandparents are also expected to pay for nursery / private school fees. If they can’t afford to they usually get sacrificed for the grandparent who can afford things.

😂😂😂😂

@Bettyboop3 Im surprised that you have never heard of this common expression.

Yes, thus. Very old saying “It was ever thus” meaning It’s always been that way. Why the 😳?

Thus? 😳

I have a solution, but thankfully being the mother of three boys I'm unlikely to have to provide the childcare. I didn't expect my parents to be providing any, and they live too far away anyway. I'm going to have far too many dogs to be looking after any grandchildren!

Apologies as I have not read the whole thread. I am not a GP, but am at an age where many of my friends are becoming GPS.

The OP and many, many of the comments seem to think that GPs are retired, elderly, comfortably well off; nothing could be further fr on the truth,

My group of friends ( 50’s to early 60s’) are still working , as the cost of living is hitting us too.

None of my friends where SAHMs; we worked , mostly with children getting childcare , often patchwork childcare.

The idea that parents could bring up a family on one wage or salary was well gone by the time I was getting married ( 1980s), at least where I lived.

Times are very hard, I really do get that, but it was always thus, except on TV Land.

I wasn’t expecting any regular help though my parents wanted to do a week and they regularly take the kids overnight in the holidays now. The only times we’ve really asked for help has been if kids are poorly when one of us is travelling for work and during second lockdown. My parents help at times like that has been invaluable. I’ll be honest I would question a bit the relationship you have with your kids if you would not help them in those sorts of situations just because you don’t really want to and won’t entirely enjoy it. I can’t imagine being available to help my parents or brother or kids or even a close friend when they were stuck because I was a bit tired or I wanted a chill day or wouldn’t enjoy helping them or similar. Families are all different though and I think these things are reciprocal. If my parents need help when they get older we would absolutely have them live with us or, if they preferred, buy them a flat close by with a warden or similar and pop in to see them every day, help with shopping, appointments etc. My Dad helps us with childcare as much as my mum and my OH will help with elder care if it’s needed. I feel like willingness to help is eroded if people never return the favour though whatever the relationship.

My son is one year off the age that I had him. I'm mid 40s. If he had children now I could not afford to quit work and provide child care. I need to work another 20 years.

My Mum was in the same situation work-wise and couldn't help, so I used child care.

As a parent I firmly believe it is your responsibility to provide for your child(ren) including childcare. Great if Grandparents can and do want to help, but they're not morally obliged.

There’s also the assumption behind this that everyone loves being around small children. I know my mother wouldn’t have had any if it wasn’t simply the expectation in her pre-Pill youth that one married and had children. If I’d had any I certainly wouldn’t have asked her to do childminding on anything but a once-in-a-blue-moon-and-maybe-not-that-often basis. Being expected to mind the grandchildren on a regular basis when you didn’t particularly like children in general the first time around would be horrendous.

I don't expect childcare and don't ask other than the odd hour here and there. I do find it amusing my parents had my grandparents doing huge amounts of childcare for me as a kid and very clearly have no interest in passing that on down the line. I think it is actually my grandparents who are most upset by it. They see it as something they know helped my parents massively get to where they are and they are disappointed they aren't being "thanked" with the same help being given to me.

I just see this as part of being a loving family to be honest. An expectation no. But I'd feel a bit rubbish if my parents didn't want to help at all with their grandchild. They actually adore being grandparents and although they do still work, will help out whenever they can. It's not an expectation but they have definitely reaped the rewards in the closeness they now share with their grandchild.

I view it in the same way as I do them getting older. Am I obligated to help them in their old age? No. Will I? Yes because I love them and it's what being family is to me, helping each other.

I’m old enough to be a grandparent and it’s funny, I don’t remember creating a world where two incomes were needed to raise children. Don’t remember my mother, who had to get a job when my arsehole father waltzed off with his latest adulterous bit, creating it, either.

All the posters on here waxing lyrical about how Gp don't need/shouldn't feel any obligation to help out at all/take an interest in their GC.
Can only assume such posters are not in situation with both parents working FT to make ends meet and zero help at all. Haven't given birth alone as DH with older child at home. Haven't passed out due to exhaustion

Well I didn't give birth alone but apart from that apart from that yes I have brought up 2 children with both of us working FT to make ends meet (only just) and with zero help at all.

And I DONT expect grandparents to help out. As a grandparent now myself I did help out until my son and family moved too far away, but that was a choice on my part NOT an obligation. And my son and family never viewed it as an expectation or an obligation on my part!!

WE chose to have our children, we therefore have to manage around the consequences of that. Other people are not obliged to change their lives (the one life they have) just to fit in and make the execution of our choices easier for us!

I don't think it should be expected that grandparents should help and they should only do it if they want to. My MIL had loads of help from her Mum and is very happy to pass that on to help us, she loves it and thinks that what being a Granny is all about. We are so lucky to have her.

My Mum chose not to help out with childcare at all and that's her perogative and I never asked as she made it very clear she didn't want to. Until my brother had kids and she was more than happy to help him out with childcare.

IMO every Grandparent should do what the thing is right for them is but keep on consistent between their children/grandchildren.

Yes, we do use a sitter from time to time. It just baffles me they’ve never offered to sit around for a few hours after the children have gone to bed, but fair - no one is obliged to help.

Babysitter?

Most of my close family members are dead.

We've never received help from my in-laws and have never asked for any. They were not even particularly attentive parents to my DH. Suits me; we are used to fending for ourselves and are completely free from any form of reciprocal obligation.

We’ve never been offered help by my in-laws. We’re not giving them hard time for that, but it would have been nice to go out for dinner once a month.

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

Are you serious?? Dear dear me!

I’ve no doubt that you know parents who expect this of their parents but in my world I don’t know anyone who expects their parents to provide childcare. Amongst my friends no one expects their parents to provide childcare but the universal complaint is that their parents are too busy living their own lives even to spend a small amount of time with their grandchildren.

My parents are alcoholics though so I’ve never had any expectation of them at all!