Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

I wonder this myself but then I can’t help but blame the grandparents for raising their own children to be so entitled? I have never expected help, I know all the grandparents of my child would happily do childcare more often but the only time I ask is for a rare special occasion such as a wedding. Otherwise I am either paying for nursery so that I can work or looking after my child myself, you know like a parent is supposed to.

Absolutely, @MarvelMrs - it does totally blow my mind when grandparents who already have grandchildren and don't do anything to help properly then whine at one-and-done. Yeah, sure, enjoy your spare time but there will be consequences!

Of course, it’s all the women’s fault.

You are talking utter arse!

Be quiet.

Similar to us on both sides. The difference is we don’t expect our parents to provide care, unlike our siblings. I have no issue at all with parents not providing free childcare but do feel there should be equality so if it is being provided for some grandchildren the same offer should be made to the others.

There are plenty more studies that say the same thing about the UK and other similar economies, but as you’re already disagreeing with sources that UCL, CNN and the FT find very credible, I won’t bother posting them

I'm sure everyone else on here would be happy to read them if you did, but if you're put off by one person's mild disagreement with your sources, you probably won't. And just because sources are found very credible doesn't mean they are 100% right.

www.logicallyfallacious.com/logicalfallacies/Appeal-to-Authority

It is a world that was created by the grandparent’s generation and decisions although that is a fairly simplistic way of looking at it.
It is part of being a family. Two parents generally need to work now. It isn’t the way it was in the past but there is no avoiding it now. So grandparents have to pull their weight. Or they won’t have grandchildren.
Interesting that the same grandparents will need and want care and support (which is not dissimilar to childcare) in later years. I work in adult social care and see the same parents/grandparents making demands of their adult children.

@senua if it meant my children didn't have to spend 42 hours per week in a nursery costing the entirety of my husbands salary whilst mine doesn't cover the other bills, then yes.

If one wage could provide clothing, a housr and comfortable living, I would happily be chained to the kitchen whilst my kids need me to go get a small PT job when their older.

It means not having to hand over your children for strangers to raise but having to pay for that 'privilege' (is it really a privilege??)

Well I'm a boomer and I can tell you we weren't able to survive on one wage. We bought our council house and I worked evenings as a waitress- getting up early after late nights to deal with the children..walking 3 miles into town with a pram and 2 children and back again up a steep hill loaded with shopping.then getting ready for work...nirvana it bloody wasn't...
honestly when my children complain about being knackered as they shop online and whizz the Dgcs to their various clubs in their very nice vehicles etc. I sometimes have a few thoughts...no it's not easy now but it wasn't easy then in boomer la la land for everyone.

What?? I am responsible for my dc not my parents not there dads parents but me and their dad that's it no one else!!!
Just as if my dc have children they will be responsible for them not me it is their choice so there responsibility what a ridiculous comment!!!!

I don't feel entitled to childcare, just to be clear. But my partner and I work really really hard, and we live in a rented three bed bungalow. My parents live in a stunning six bedroom farmhouse with lots of land. They're both fairly open about not having worked esp hard - and doing exactly what they loved when they did - but that they have been insanely lucky with property. So I don't feel entitled, but fucking hell it does some times leave me gasping. We will literally never ever ever catch up. Childcare would be a drop in the ocean.

So you acknowledge the appalling state of the economy in the 70s @PlumPudd yet still maintain we were having the life of Riley - how does that work? I don’t suppose you’d care to address my points upthread?

well put

I thought that, what a bizarre view tfresh

I have grandchildren. I've worked full time my whole life, I still work fulltime.

I've not created anything for my children apart from a good work ethos and respect for others!

I'm a childminder and on the school run today was chatting to another mum who's been dumped on for childcare and offered a measly £150 a month as payment so she asked me how much I would charge and told her that's a minimum of £100 per week so she's really peed off and can see how cheeky this friend is being.
I get childcare is expensive but there are different schemes that help parents and paid childcare is paying for professional care. What really bugs me is how people demand grandparents provide free childcare then dictate every aspect of that care. Care from grandparents should be on the grandparents term of offer and not an expectation.

I don’t know but you quoted some statistics at me about 70’s inflation, differences in the wages of men and women and pensions access to emphasise your points. Are your statistics okay but mine aren’t?

I thought dotjones was being sarcastic

Yes all studies about the future are “predictions” and all scientists and economists use non absolutist language and talk in “coulds” and “likelies”, that’s how science works and how all scientists are trained! Evolution is still scientifically referred to as a “theory”.

Yes the second one is the US, and the third one says it’s bad in the UK and other places have it worse. What’s your point?

These are studies looking at generational trends in the UK and economies that have been similarly structured and are at similar demographic points in their timeline e.g they all broadly experienced a post war period of affluence, 70’s depression, 80’s financial boom, 2009 recessions, covid and have an ageing population.

There are plenty more studies that say the same thing about the UK and other similar economies, but as you’re already disagreeing with sources that UCL, CNN and the FT find very credible, I won’t bother posting them.

You know what they say about statistics?

I don’t think there should be any huge expectations, but if someone can help out then they should, same as when your parents are elderly, there should be no huge expectations such as moving in with your kids and them being full time carers, but if they can help you out they should.

I also don’t agree that you owe your parents care just because they’re your parents. My MIL didn’t work throughout the majority of my wife’s childhood and when she did it was only a few hours a week, she used any childcare she could find, before school clubs, after school clubs, holiday clubs, neighbours, family, friends, anything to get out of looking after her own kids so she could do what she wanted (usually gym, shopping, beauty treatments etc). Even when she didn’t work she wouldn’t even get up in the morning to take the kids to school, her husband did it before he started work.

She won’t be providing any help with any children we have as she’s now divorced and has to work full time, but I doubt she would offer anyway since she won’t even look after our dog for a day (despite having her own and they get on fine). Why on earth should my wife care for her mother when she’s elderly? Not every parent was loving and doting and would bend over backwards for their kids.

My MIL is selfish and to this day thinks she shouldn’t have to work and should be looked after by someone (as has been the case the vast majority of her adult life). She’s made it clear she expects us to care for her when she’s older, because apparently that’s why she would have done for her mum (I don’t doubt that, but she never got the chance as her mum died young) but I really don’t see why we should when we won’t have the time or the energy (we will both be working full time until we’re in our late 60’s I imagine) and she’s never gone out of her way to help us.

Yes I agree. I was a carer for both my parents. They were generous with their time and help and so I was in return when they needed it. (And I mean serious live in caring help, including cleaning pooey bums the works).

My inlaw’s entitlement however is breathtaking. They sucked my gpil’s dry, receiving substantial financial assistance, childcare and physical Labour, with the understanding they would pay it forward to their children, but instead they always have their hands out and instead of being helpful are meddling and invasive. My gmil is shocked and said she wished she’d never helped them and is shocked by their selfishness.

So no, they won’t receive any help from DP and I. And raising my DH doesn’t mean he has to become a carer for them. A loving reciprocal relationship is needed to deserve that kind of old age care.

It is quite the assumption that grandparents will expect family care in old age, but if they do then they’re also wrong. It’s a kindness, not an entitlement.

The thing is that they’ll of course have to fund their own care if their children don’t provide it, which is fine until their children get angry when they realize there’s no inheritance coming their way.

That is absolutely appalling - and exactly the kind of things OP is referring to

theres absolutely a place for care homes. My late Nan ended up in one because my mother couldn’t provide the care at home anymore

id help my mother out how I can, within the realm of what she wants, we live hours apart. Am I going to move? No. Will she, v unlikely, but I wouldn’t see her struggle. But I’ll do it because I want to, not for the promise of cash. I’m of the opinion she should spend it all now. She earned it

Every situation and generation is somewhat different to the previous. My DM was a SAHM (50s and 60s) until her youngest was at secondary school, when she returned to nursing. My dad was in the Navy, so often away at sea. Both sets of grandparents lived 200 miles away, so there was no childminding but my gran and her sister looked after us for a week or two so DM could catch up with dad somewhere for a holiday.

DM helped my sister out ad hoc (and from a distance) when her kids were small, but they were mostly overseas and DM was still working three days/shifts weekly until she was 79 to eke out her pension. My sister and BIL do some childcare for their grandkids and enjoy it, in their active 60s, and are close enough to cover emergencies.

By the time my DC was born in 1999, I was 44, and I paid for childcare to continue working but the GPs were all still a long way away, and getting older. DM came to visit and would help out, and PILs gave us a weekend away, but they were mid 70s then and found toddler-wrangling too much for them.

I've just retired, and doubt that grandchildren will appear inside the next decade, but I have MIL near us in a care home, so I do most of her errands/admin and visit every few days. It's likely that we'll be mid-late 70s before I get to be grandma, and who knows how much hands on help we'll be able to offer. Our DS family (presuming there is one) will benefit from the financial choices we made years ago though.

Judging by some of the posters, they should give up work, sell the house, give the money from the house sale to the kids, and provide full time child care for the grandchildren. 🙄