Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

WTF?!

My grandparents lived 300 miles away.

When DD was born, DH’s parents were 250
miles away and my parents were 4,500 miles away. DH’s lot were never going to be involved. Even when my parents moved back (35 miles away) their input was limited and certainly not regular childcare.

Parenting is mine and DH’s responsibility. Not our parents.

@Blossomtoes I was being flippant but yes I'm a higher rate tax payer as is DH.

I'm subsiding loads of pensioners

I very much doubt that. Unless you’re childless and earn megabucks.

@Hymnulop

how is she right?!

CB is a drop in the ocean compared to the overall cost to the tax payer of people having children.
If you pay for private schooling and health care you may be an exception.

Aside from distance issues, grandparent 1 has several years of full-time working life left before she can afford to contemplate retirement. Grandparent 2 was 80 before our DCs were born. We simultaneously had grandparents too young and too old to care for our children.

We've had a grand total of 3 hours of family childcare in 12 years- that was to go to a funeral.

We knew that grandparent childcare was never going to happen. In the early years we paid for childcare, it was the after-school phase that got more complicated with two childcare providers, tight hours and the finishing factor was DS1 having SENs that meant that he struggled with school and I stopped work as the only viable childcare option.

The awkward bit is that we seem to live in an area where lots of people seem to have hit the local, right age, interested grandparent jackpot and that makes it difficult to ask for mutual favours and not end up in cheeky fucker territory.
It's 3 years since DH and I had a child-free evening together and that's because a Cub camp fell neatly. With SNs in the mix, paying a random (albeit vetted) stranger to babysit is not appropriate for DS. I'm looking forwards a couple more years until we can go out again.

@NanaNelly

You sound lovely - I hope I'm able to give the grandchildren I hope to have one day the same life as you.

I'd prefer to offer some form of childcare than not have grandchildren at all - if it makes my Children’s lives that little bit easier (and isn't a total CF piss take)

As a grandparent myself I wonder if it is always in the best interests of the child to be looked after by such as me. I don't always have the energy or the patience anymore.

Meow!!

So right though.

@NanaNelly you sound lovely, & yes it's just an organic thing as opposed to transactional.

Yes I did take out when I had children. Just as all those with children do.

We are going around in circles now, my point is you can't say everyone who has a child is taking out more. We have never qualified for child benefit which is in common with the majority of parents I know.

I understand this. It just evolves.

Indeed. And I'm talking about me, now, when despite being a grandparent I pay in more than I take out.
Yes I did take out when I had children. Just as all those with children do. But we are talking about me, now. When I did take out I understood that people in the position I am in now were subsidising me.
I'm not sure when the cap on CB came in. In those days I possibly wasn't a net contributor, but again, I am talking about now, when I assure you on common with a great many grandparents in my circumstances, I pay in more than I take out.

I’m very hands on with my 8 grandchildren aged 3 months to 17years old. I do childcare, pick ups, drop offs, I take them on holiday when they’re old enough, I have them for sleepover, we go to the cinema, I have them and their friends at my house to swim, the list is endless. In fact theres hardly a day goes by that I don’t have at least one of them in my care even if it’s just for an hour. I also still manage to have other sides to my life. Nothing I do for my children or grandchildren has ever been expected of me. And I’ve never been taken for granted either. It’s just the way we work as a family and my many children have in-laws who are also very hands on with the children.

Do we get paid? No. We don’t. We’re comfortably off financially and it just wouldn’t be brought up or thought about. And if we weren’t in a good financial situation? Well, we’d all still be retired at quite a youngish age and we’d still do the same but would maybe accept payments for days out etc. But I really don’t know because it’s not a situation we’ve had to deal with.

Very sadly @Littlemauvebox , there does come a time when dementia is too much to cope with privately at home. I spent an hour with my 93 year old DMIL this afternoon, and while she recognises me, her short term memory is so short that we had the location, day, month and year conversation eight times in about 20 minutes. Her memory is gone. Her mobility is limited and she is in constant discomfort from multiple angles. I don't know how to improve her life, because I don't think she has life... only existence.

@Blossomtoes likewise I'm subsiding loads of pensioners, I don't mind either as I believe in society but it's frustrating when so many older people refuse to acknowledge the intergenerational inequality & blame it on younger people spending money on the internet or whatever. Not saying you are guilty of that but you replied to my post.

@Tiddlywinx Thank you so much It means a lot to have appreciation.

I don't have local family support. My parents only offer to help if it's a scheduled medical appointment and we need childcare cover for the other DC. Same with MIL.

I am a SAHM for this reason. They all made it clear that they could not cover childcare on a regular basis. Both sets of grandparents are elderly or have health issues.

When women could retire at 60, not 67, they would have time to help with grandchildren. Many grandparents are still working and also caring for their own parents.

The elderly parents boards are not full of posts from the elderly parents. They're full of posts from the children of elderly parents who want to protect their parents assets so they will inherit them. When you get to the stage in life where you need full time care, hanging on to your house and savings is of no benefit to you at all. Far better to be 'selfish' and insist they're used to pay for a better standard of care.
All the avoiding of inheritance tax and care fees is motivated by the greed of the would be beneficiaries who love to tell everyone how 'devastated' their parent would be if the family home was sold. When truth is, by the time it comes to it the parent is often too frail to know or care.
Yes, of course some 'squirrel away' their assets, but its their children who benefit, and those same children could always tell them no.

Some very demanding elderly people who absolutely refuse to go into a home.

The ageism and derogatory language being used on here about elderly people (or it would seem basically anyone past childbearing years) is fucking rank rotten. Which I suppose supports the OP's original post.

No shit. How have I reached nearly 70 without knowing that? 🙄

That's my point, you can't just assume you are subsiding others just because they have dc

I know I am currently and have done for at least the last 30 years. It’s fine, I don’t mind - except when I get all manner of vitriol hurled at me by the recipients because of my date of birth.

This seems like quite an unusual awfully sad situation! I can’t believe your child would treat you like that!

if it’s any comfort, I do wish my children’s grandparents cared 1/10th of the amount you seem to. They’ll see one day how lucky there are x

I had my kids in the 1980s and early 90. Yeap, it was a fucking doddle having to go back to work with 12 week old babies - because that's what maternity leave was. Still, at least that was better than my poor dh got because paternity leave wasn't even a thing. Piss easy doing still night feeds and of course expressing milk for the childminder while holding down a professional job. Free hours of childcare at age 3? Are you having a laugh? It didn't exist. Oh and the mortgage rates which shot up well into double figures and even at best averaged around 7-8 % . Holidays, cars, electronic goods, furniture, clothing- all relatively much more expensive than nowadays.

In contrast, my DIL is now enjoying her 9th month of maternity leave with my darling grandson. She won't need to go back to work at all until he's a year old! And then she and my ds will have a relatively short time of paying nursery before the 30 free hours kicks in when grandson turns three. My ds and DIL are just back from a lovely summer holiday, they aren't rolling in money but they certainly have enough for meals out, cinema, a gig now and then.

So pardon me if I don't rush to give up my career (Yeap, amazing innit, some grannies still work!) to provide free childcare for them. I absolutely adore my grandson, and of course I love my son and DIL but I don't owe them a free child minding service.