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AIBU?

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Original poster

To try for a fourth baby?

160 replies

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 10:55

This is really silly because i am really on the fence but I am thinking I either have one more now or never.

So what I would really like to know is in my situation, would you have another?

I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children all of the same gender they are 8, 5 and almost 2. A part of me longs for that one last child but of the opposite gender. I know this is silly because I cannot choose this but I also know that if I had a little one of the same gender I'd love it just as much as my others. The main reason for another is just I have this longing for one but how do I even know that this will stop after a fourth baby. Generally I just love having babies and children and it's lovely having a nice busy household. They all bring so much joy.

However, I know this is not the sensible option. The cons are that I'd need to get a new car and probably a new house eventually or an extension as we only have a 3 bedroom house. My husband is content with three and he said if it was just his decision he would say no more but because I have this longing for another one he wouldn't want me to live with regrets and the what ifs so we'd have one more and then he would happy to go and have a vasectomy. Another con is I know all my family think that if I had another I would be absolutely insane and less supportive.

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough. In my situation, what would you do? It's now or never though. I don't want to be doing the school run forever. When my third starts primary, my first child will already be in year 6.

If you've read this far then I really appreciate it 😊

OP posts:
PortalooSunset · 10/09/2022 10:37

If it was the case if just wanting another child to 'complete' your family then maybe (though how can you know you'll feel that way after this one and won't want a 5th or 6th?). What if it's twins?!
I'd be wary of my existing children thinking they're not enough, particularly if you go OTT in celebrating when a child of a different gender arrives. Equally if baby arrives and is same gender as existing children you need to be absolutely sure you'd be able to squash any disappointment you felt. Forever.

BeanieTeen · 10/09/2022 09:00

@TulipVictory if you enjoy it then that’s great - it was just your comment about the school run that made me wonder a bit because I felt like, although I know the school run can be a PITA at times, it’s not such a big inconvenience that I’d plan my family around it.
I think it just reminded me of a family member of mine - she has four kids, she had them quite young and sometimes goes on about how it’s great to have them young because she’ll be able to do what she wants in her forties. Like she needed to ‘get it out of the way’ early - but having four kids is not an obligation so that makes no sense to me. Neither does waiting for your forties and fifties to go out and have a good time - not saying you can’t have a good time then of course, but your late teens and early twenties really are made for carefree fun, especially going out clubbing and stuff like that, compared to your later years. It’s like she thinks I’ll be jealous of her in my forties when I’m still doing the school run and she’s not - but why would anyone prefer doing the school run at 22 than at 42?
You’re update makes you sound nothing like that though. But still, I would consider the practicalities of a fourth baby carefully and the impact it has on the rest of your children.

KidsgroveBoggart · 10/09/2022 08:34

@Notplayingball I think that's unfair on @Katela18

Lots of us want to be in the position to help our children learn to drive or go to university, that doesn't make our children entitled, as you say yourself it's possible to expect them to work (I did) as well as support them financially. In the case of learning to drive it's expensive to get lessons and expensive to insure your own car if you want to teach them - there's no real way round it!

I don't think offering this sort of help means children are automatically entitled or spoiled.

XtinaCaligulara · 10/09/2022 08:14

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 22:21

Adoption is a good option!

It's really not

Unless you think it's a good option to plonk a child from a trauma background with 3x older siblings?

Notplayingball · 10/09/2022 07:39

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:23

I'm aware it's not uncommon, my comment was that it was noticeable as teenagers for me because all my friends parents did do this, we were the only ones who didn't get that and it's because they couldn't afford it for 4 children. Had they only had 2, they could have and my mother told me they would have.

Show quote history

I was raised to make my own way in life and not expect to get everything handed to me on a plate. Maybe if you reframe your way of looking at this situation, your parents actually did you a favour.

It is never a good idea for children to expect everything to be given to them just because X gets that.

Very entitled. My eldest has been advised to get a job even just a Saturday one next spring when he turns 16 to learn about the value of money even though each child has savings put away for driving lessons....

Keanu4ever · 10/09/2022 07:32

No more children. YABU.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2022 07:04

I have one dd5. I have never had the urge for more

maybe as she took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf so a lot of money to get my one and only ever bfp

i am very grateful I am a mummy to her and she is my world and she’s just woken up and hearing her say ‘morning mummy. I love you ‘ over monitor melts my heart 💕

i have friends who all wanted more than 1. Most have 2. some desperately wanted the 3 - said they don’t feel complete

I don’t honestly get that feeling

love and be thankful for the children you have

some woman can’t have any not for their want in trying

oreobiscitz · 10/09/2022 06:55

That's your hormones speaking.

Listen to your head. Listen to reason

Three healthy kids. Count your blessings and don't push your luck

Original poster
TulipVictory · 10/09/2022 01:48

BeanieTeen · 09/09/2022 20:49

I said now or never because I don't want to be too much older and I also don't want to prolong the amount of years I am going to be doing the school run.

Why? What have you got planned for afterwards? I think if you want four kids who are going to turn into four teenagers then the the school run is going to be least of the inconveniences you’ll have to deal with. If you want to have four kids and embrace all the hard work that brings with it, dedicating your twenties and thirties and early forties to intense ‘mum life’ - because with four kids there’s little time to be anything else - then go for it. If you’re already fed up with something as basic as the school run then maybe it’s not for you.
If you think you can have a fourth at 31 and the catch up with your youth in 15 years time, you can’t… that ship has sailed.

Bit brutal @BeanieTeen !! 🤣 I'd never thought of it as dedicating my entire youth to my children before. Guess I'd just been enjoying them too much 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Mizmerise · 09/09/2022 23:13

Project ahead.

If you got pregnant now you’d have 9,6,3 yr olds and a baby. Ah, cute.

Jump ahead 8 years.

17, 14, 11 and 8. that’s fucking hard work. Primary school, just starting secondary school and two hormonal teens. And the expense.

Nah. Quit while you’re ahead.

Bubblyinblanch · 09/09/2022 23:04

Do you have a money printing machine? 4 x phones, 4 x uni, 4 x ipad, 4 x school uniform, 4 x clothes plus trainer etc...
What are you thinking? I think you need a grip. 3 is already a lot...

Porcupineintherough · 09/09/2022 22:58

So this is something a lot of people struggle with : things can change.

So if you've got your 2x life insurance, redundancy insurance on your main earner, rainy day money, savings, pensions and a plan for 4 x financial help for university then sure, go for it.

But don't come on here in 12 or 24 or 36 months telling us all how hard it is cause things changed.

Swimmingpoolsally · 09/09/2022 22:31

Parenting is such a complex thing, I’d struggle to parent more Than three; because of this heavy lifting that involves.\’if you have a baby. You need to parent them op, are you sure you are?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/09/2022 22:30

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 22:21

Adoption is a good option!

Don’t be so stupid. This woman doesn’t have a desire to adopt a boy child, she want to have another baby. Is an adoption agency going to approve a family who will be overcrowded?

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 22:21

Adoption is a good option!

VestaTilley · 09/09/2022 21:59

It’s sex, not gender.

YABVU. You can’t choose the sex (thank God, or we’d have a terribly imbalanced population like parts of China and India) - and how would you react to the poor baby if they weren’t the sex you wanted? They’d always feel left out, and they’d always know you only had them because you were trying for the opposite sex.

Nearlyflippinforty · 09/09/2022 21:30

I have 3 children. My husband asked would you have a fourth? I don't for one minute think he was serious and think he was definitely winding me up. I replied with a quick and enthusiastic "fuck no".

My reasoning: I find looking after children joyous but also harrowing in equal measures (keeping them safe all the time). It's tiring but we don't get help and a lot of people don't.

I found newborn stage HARD and pregnancy- ugh just no.

The after school clubs for ALL of them will need your presence or taxi service, once they go to high school it gets more expensive to buy uniform and bus passes etc.

Bedtime is like a conveyor belt of children needing a book reading, teeth brushing, bath supervision (with younger one watching their every move, second one checking he hasn't fallen asleep in bath and eldest - helping with the nuclear fall out that is her exit from the shower to the door. Help with homework (all of them). Washing clothes, the never ending clothes mountain.

I love my children dearly but they talk all the time, the youngest thinks he's karate kid and I want my life back 😝. Your choice though.

RampantIvy · 09/09/2022 21:24

darmaka · 09/09/2022 20:56

Go for it. I'm aiming for 6 - no joke

Why?

Get a puppy or a kitten instead.

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:23

Notplayingball · 09/09/2022 21:05

I was one of two DC and my parents didn't help me at university, or pay for my driving lessons 🤷🏻 I paid for my own driving lessons, tests, new car etc.

Show quote history

I'm aware it's not uncommon, my comment was that it was noticeable as teenagers for me because all my friends parents did do this, we were the only ones who didn't get that and it's because they couldn't afford it for 4 children. Had they only had 2, they could have and my mother told me they would have.

blepp · 09/09/2022 21:18

This reply has been deleted

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This is appalling.

rainbowmilk · 09/09/2022 21:10

darmaka · 09/09/2022 20:56

Go for it. I'm aiming for 6 - no joke

I have no words.

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 21:07

This reply has been deleted

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Notplayingball · 09/09/2022 21:05

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:01

I'd definitely say stick with 3, especially if finances / housing is already stretched.

I am one of 4 raised mostly in 3 bed homes. While I love all my siblings we were always aware money was short and we often went without, we never had any privacy or our pwn space. This was very noticeable as teenagers particularly or when our friends were getting driving lessons paid or cars, and we couldn't. My parents also couldn't afford to support 4 children through university which just made everything really hard. I wish my parents had thought more about the long term impact it would have had on us.

I was one of two DC and my parents didn't help me at university, or pay for my driving lessons 🤷🏻 I paid for my own driving lessons, tests, new car etc.

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:01

I'd definitely say stick with 3, especially if finances / housing is already stretched.

I am one of 4 raised mostly in 3 bed homes. While I love all my siblings we were always aware money was short and we often went without, we never had any privacy or our pwn space. This was very noticeable as teenagers particularly or when our friends were getting driving lessons paid or cars, and we couldn't. My parents also couldn't afford to support 4 children through university which just made everything really hard. I wish my parents had thought more about the long term impact it would have had on us.

Notplayingball · 09/09/2022 20:58

I have four DC. All same sex. Two children to a bedroom. 15, 12, 7 and 5. Had two, big gap, then two more. Same father to all four.

Don't have another if you would be upset having a baby of the opposite sex.

It's chaotic at times but it's a lot of fun. Great at Christmas time.