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AIBU?

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Original poster

To try for a fourth baby?

160 replies

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 10:55

This is really silly because i am really on the fence but I am thinking I either have one more now or never.

So what I would really like to know is in my situation, would you have another?

I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children all of the same gender they are 8, 5 and almost 2. A part of me longs for that one last child but of the opposite gender. I know this is silly because I cannot choose this but I also know that if I had a little one of the same gender I'd love it just as much as my others. The main reason for another is just I have this longing for one but how do I even know that this will stop after a fourth baby. Generally I just love having babies and children and it's lovely having a nice busy household. They all bring so much joy.

However, I know this is not the sensible option. The cons are that I'd need to get a new car and probably a new house eventually or an extension as we only have a 3 bedroom house. My husband is content with three and he said if it was just his decision he would say no more but because I have this longing for another one he wouldn't want me to live with regrets and the what ifs so we'd have one more and then he would happy to go and have a vasectomy. Another con is I know all my family think that if I had another I would be absolutely insane and less supportive.

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough. In my situation, what would you do? It's now or never though. I don't want to be doing the school run forever. When my third starts primary, my first child will already be in year 6.

If you've read this far then I really appreciate it 😊

OP posts:
WanderingFruitWonderer · 16/11/2022 00:34

Erm, climate change anyone? I don't personally think it's responsible to have more than two children these days, sorry. Obviously if unplanned pregnancies, or twins, happen, then it's different. But to deliberately plan for a large family now is reckless.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2022 00:27

Murdoch1949 · 15/11/2022 21:33

Be careful what you wish for, I had a 3rd who brought a twin brother with him.

My second did this. Got over excited and split in two

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2022 00:27

RobertaFirmino · 15/11/2022 22:55

You don't need four DC so it seems rather selfish to place yet more burden on the NHS.

No one needs any children so do you tell all first time mothers they're a selfish burden to the Health Service?

RobertaFirmino · 15/11/2022 22:55

You don't need four DC so it seems rather selfish to place yet more burden on the NHS.

Murdoch1949 · 15/11/2022 21:33

Be careful what you wish for, I had a 3rd who brought a twin brother with him.

MixedCouple · 15/11/2022 21:03

Babyroobs · 10/09/2022 21:24

We have 4 who are all now aged between 24 and 17. Like you we had 3 of the same sex. Fourth was unplanned and did turn out to be a girl ! Much as I adore them all, it has been difficult especially as they were all born within 7 years of each other. I barely have any memories of their younger years as it was just a case of getting through each day somehow plus I had to go back to working nightshifts when they were just a few months old. I'm not sure how my mental health stayed ( reasonably) intact. Much as I love them all, I would not do the same if I had my time again. Finances are a worry, we helped the first with driving lessons, first car and Uni. Now we face the prospect of having two at Uni at the same time which is going to be financially very tight just at a time when we are seeing others of a similar age with lots of disposable income going on lovely holidays etc.

Is it.possible for the kids to take responsibility for the fees of UNi.

I took a 2 year gap. worked from 16 years old every single day I was not at school. And 2 years worked full time after A levels. overtime and didn't spend nada just saved and saved. No holidays no major social things etc.

I paid my way through uni and paid all my bills. Parents helped with shopping 2 or 3 times a year. I waited until I qualified as a healthcare worker to start driving lessons using my own money. I lived in hospital accommodation for 5 years so i could save for a car and purchased one in cash 2 years into qualifying.

Not easy but i did it all myself and never put that financial burdon on my folks.

MixedCouple · 15/11/2022 20:57

Omg aghhhhhh
I came to the right post.

My 3 mates were the same. All have 3 boys yes 3 boys. And longed for a girl as their last. And they risked it for a biscuit 😂 and they all got their dream a girl all 3 of them!

3 mates - 3 boys - 1 girl

They obvs knew it is 50/50 so they would of been happy regardless.

I am also planning on 4 God willing started later in life but hopeful .

Babyroobs · 10/09/2022 21:24

We have 4 who are all now aged between 24 and 17. Like you we had 3 of the same sex. Fourth was unplanned and did turn out to be a girl ! Much as I adore them all, it has been difficult especially as they were all born within 7 years of each other. I barely have any memories of their younger years as it was just a case of getting through each day somehow plus I had to go back to working nightshifts when they were just a few months old. I'm not sure how my mental health stayed ( reasonably) intact. Much as I love them all, I would not do the same if I had my time again. Finances are a worry, we helped the first with driving lessons, first car and Uni. Now we face the prospect of having two at Uni at the same time which is going to be financially very tight just at a time when we are seeing others of a similar age with lots of disposable income going on lovely holidays etc.

safetyfreak · 10/09/2022 20:53

I am one of 4, I love my siblings but I never felt I got the attention I needed from my parents as they were always so busy.

My parents are also finding it hard now having so many grandchildren and trying to spend time with them all fairly.

Just something else to think about.

Notplayingball · 10/09/2022 20:45

PissedOff2020 · 10/09/2022 18:34

We have 4 - all of one gender. We have big ages gaps, 19, 16, 10 & 7. We’ve been doing the school run forever.

The teens are massive and eat a lot.it’s not just bedroom space, ,space to all sit in one room can be a struggle. The teens make a lot of mess too. It’s hard to find an activity we can do as a family anymore.
We needed more space so doubled our mortgage recently to buy a 5 bed. We will be working until we die to pay it off.
Holidays abroad cost a fortune… especially as it now counts as 4 adults.
Weve gone back to 2 cars now, we don’t all need to fit in one.
The older 2 do their own thing most of the time, our weekend are spent covering the little two’s activities.
When I was pregnant with the youngest it was the first time we found out the sex when pregnant - I was desperate for the other gender. When I found out the sex after a little disappointment I realised they wouldn’t have fit in as well. Our mix of 2 & 2 with 3 years apart works great : the older ones were best mates when little, the little two are now.

Is it hard, yes? So expensive! So many a arguments about tidying and cleaning with the teens. A lot of noise and a lot of sibling fights!
Do I ever think 3 would have been enough? NO! I love my life.

I am a few years behind you, but I see many parallels here to how my own life is with my four. I find the 2&2 is a great combination.

KangFang · 10/09/2022 20:11

No.
3 is enough.

RoobarbandCustud · 10/09/2022 19:51

Aw I know that longing...I've got 2, I followed my head, not my heart, and stopped, but spent a few years longing. But one day I quite suddenly felt relieved I had stopped at 2. My friend had her fourth because of a conviction there was another soul out there who was meant to be in their family. Her life is harder financially, physically, logistically, but she would have regretted not having her fourth. I know that having a child is the most resource intensive thing we do, but...

Scottishgirl85 · 10/09/2022 19:46

My sister has 4, she loves her life but secretly admits 4 is 1 too many.

I'm currently pregnant with no.3 - a boy after 2 girls. It will be lovely having both genders but that was absolutely not the reason we had a 3rd. I'm 22w and already know this is definitely our last! I would say enjoy what you have.

03X · 10/09/2022 19:16

I have 3, I am also thinking about 4. I have 3 boys though & I’d love a girl, but equally I’d also love a boy? I know boys, they are awesome & the best thing in my life is being a mum. But 4 just seems like a massive jump, even with support from my parents it’s still hard.
We are slightly different where I work full time (from home) and I have a 5 bedroom house & a people carrier already! But I work full time to ensure we can still have holidays etc, so people may also not agree with my choices.
I’m undecided, I’m going to see what next year brings…

Jaaxe · 10/09/2022 18:59

RampantIvy · 10/09/2022 18:43

NO! I love my life.

That sounds like my worst nightmare. all that drudgery - cooking, cleaning, laundry, not to mention the expense Shock

Yeah I don’t think anyone loves doing these things but she’s saying to her the pros of having 4 children outweigh all the negative aspects

averageavocado · 10/09/2022 18:55

Ihadenough22 · 09/09/2022 14:05

You already have 3 children all of the same sex so you want another child of the opposite sex. It all about what you want but you know that having another child means a bigger car and probably moving house or possibly building an extension if possible.
Then what happens if you have twins or down the line this 4th child has special needs?
What happens the family income if you can't work due to this?
What happens if you have another child of the same sex? Will you keep trying for a boy/girl?

In your case I would not have another child. You already have 3 kids and work PT. Having a 4th child means that you have to stop work for a while and your trying to manage more expense on one income.
What about the kids you already have? Do you think it's fair as they grow up that they can't go places or do things because you have not got the time or the income to afford things?
Managing 3 children who will have different needs as they get older is not easy.
Your children are young now but in 10 years time you will have 1at college age and 2 in secondary school and that a lot of expense.

I know a lady who had a 4th child about 3 years ago. Her other children were in primary school. The first thing she had to do was change her car and take on a loan to do this.

She has to mind 4 kids as her husband works long hours. Her 3 older kids were at the stage of being able to do more things for themselves and then she was back to the new born stage.
Since then she has been struggling at times with money as her husband is self employed and they have had to deal with the whole COVID situation. She had to fight to get her older child into X secondary school a few miles away because her local school is poor and she could not afford to move house. She is now trying to manage the care and needs for 4 kids from toddler to teenager and has had a few difficult times with 2 of the older kids.
Along with this she has had very little family support despite her family knowing that she needed help at times over the past few years. In the next few years she will have more expense as the children go into secondary school and college.
As a friend of mine said its easy for some people to have children but you have to think about the cost of bringing them up and putting them through college. You want to be able to afford music lessons, sports, grinds ect. If they have an interest or talent it nice to be in a position to pay for lessons ect to build on what they already have.

Also at the moment with the cost of living crises and with mortgage rates going up your current expenses are going up a lot but wages are not. You have to think long term how you can afford another child when you already have 3 kids. I know you work PT at the moment but as your kids get older you may want to work more hours or change jobs.
As your kids get older the expenses get higher with food, clothes and education.

Along with this she has had very little family support despite her family knowing that she needed help at times over the past few years.

Its no one else's responsibility to look after her kids though

2pinkginsplease · 10/09/2022 18:47

You need to do what’s best for your own family and the children you already have.

my friend wanted one more to complete her family and she ended up with triplets so now has 5 children!

goldentone · 10/09/2022 18:46

When I say early menopause, I'm mid 30s

goldentone · 10/09/2022 18:45

I'd suggest going for it. I have 3 and thought about it long and hard for too long and then after a year of no success- early menopause and it's too late. I always wonder what if...

RampantIvy · 10/09/2022 18:43

NO! I love my life.

That sounds like my worst nightmare. all that drudgery - cooking, cleaning, laundry, not to mention the expense Shock

PissedOff2020 · 10/09/2022 18:34

We have 4 - all of one gender. We have big ages gaps, 19, 16, 10 & 7. We’ve been doing the school run forever.

The teens are massive and eat a lot.it’s not just bedroom space, ,space to all sit in one room can be a struggle. The teens make a lot of mess too. It’s hard to find an activity we can do as a family anymore.
We needed more space so doubled our mortgage recently to buy a 5 bed. We will be working until we die to pay it off.
Holidays abroad cost a fortune… especially as it now counts as 4 adults.
Weve gone back to 2 cars now, we don’t all need to fit in one.
The older 2 do their own thing most of the time, our weekend are spent covering the little two’s activities.
When I was pregnant with the youngest it was the first time we found out the sex when pregnant - I was desperate for the other gender. When I found out the sex after a little disappointment I realised they wouldn’t have fit in as well. Our mix of 2 & 2 with 3 years apart works great : the older ones were best mates when little, the little two are now.

Is it hard, yes? So expensive! So many a arguments about tidying and cleaning with the teens. A lot of noise and a lot of sibling fights!
Do I ever think 3 would have been enough? NO! I love my life.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2022 18:15

LT2 · 10/09/2022 12:05

I'm confused why anyone would assume it was that way round 🤔

Show quote history

Because MN is full of women hoping it's a girl and asking for reassurance when it's a boy that they'll somehow be able to still be happy and learn to like this weird creature with a penis

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2022 18:14

hewouldwouldnthe · 09/09/2022 19:51

You do know that your percentage chance of a child of the same sex is higher with the second born? Its even higher with the third and higher still with a fourth! You only have to look around at your friends to see same sex children in the family.
I bucked the trend and had one of each

Most of my friends have one of each 🙄
My sister had BGB, most of my uni and school friends have BG or GB, one has BBG, school Mom's one of each of BGGB, BGG.

There's on me and a couple of friends who have the same sex

LT2 · 10/09/2022 12:05

Stickmansmum · 09/09/2022 13:29

You’ve been dying to drip feed that knowing everyone would assume you wanted a girl😂

Show quote history

I'm confused why anyone would assume it was that way round 🤔

123ROLO · 10/09/2022 11:29

I wouldn't. For a few reasons.

  1. You have been extremely lucky to have three healthy children, another child may be disabled and unwell. This isn't saying a disabled child would be any less love, I mention this more from a logistical /practical perspective of raising a growing family, along with the additional work that having a disabled child entails.
  1. I realise this is anecdotal and nor reflective of everyone. Everyone I know who's had more than 2 or 3 kids, has lost a massive sense of identity, they stop doing things for themselves, lose friends as can never make time for them, their lives just look chaotic.
  1. Teens and young persons lives are full of issues these days. I know a lady with 5 children, 4 of the 5 children/ teens are under specialist services of some kind, one for developmental delays, one autism, older child under camhs. Her life is just managing appointments, admin, she never has a settled day/night. Even when things are 'good', there's still never ending issues.
  1. Services are stretched, my mother works in school admissions, SIL a teacher, me and my partner work in health and social care. schools can't recruit teachers, there aren't enough places for kids, my mum has parents in tears daily as their child is being placed in a school they just can't get to, and are being separated from their siblings. There are children on waiting lists for mental health/ social care issues for months/years. And I know this is an unpopular opinion but I can't help seeing adding more children to this as self indulgent and taking from already stretched services.
  1. The environmental impact - global warming is happening all around us and its just going to get worse. Life is going to get harder, having another child is just someone else to worry about and another person to care for in challenging times. In addition, another child is just adding to the global warming problem.
  1. Financial- young adults getting a good start in adult life these days need a bit of a Financial cushion. The less children you have the more chance you have of setting aside a safety net / deposit for them.

I know some of these seem judgy but you've asked on an open forum about having a 4th child. I don't personally see many perks. In real life, I would support a friend who wanted a 4th child, and I wouldn't try to put them off, but I'd never think it's a good idea.

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