AIBU to ask for urgent advice, is my neighbour a stalker.

Quite honestly, he needs a battering. But other than that, go back to the police. What an absolute freak. I feel for you, OP. This is horrible.

Just noticed the date on this (slaps forehead)

Tell your husband everything about this right now

Isn’t good to know what OP did at the end ? And if she end up moving, is it just to different area ? What if he finds out ?
just curious, as I have experienced something similar x

MumToBe2002

FFS did you not notice that the this thread was last updated in September 2022????????

By asking her to move, do you recommend moving to different area or different city ?
it always worries me what if he finds her in the new area ? Or do these stalker rely on distance ?

And they're highly unlikely to read your harassment diary and treat it as an accumulation of events. They should but they won't. What you read on the internet is not what they do in practice. The threshold for criminal action is ridiculously high. It would be different if he was trying to hurt you and breaking your windows but he's far too clever. Even if they wanted to, there's not much they can really do.

The police gave us advice on how to deal with him but said it’s best not to aggravate the situation by reporting him formally and we should try and keep the peace.

There's your proof that the police won't help. I've pushed this personally and low level stalking with no criminal damage or violence will not lead to a complaint being backed up. It's not the kind of thing they are required to act upon.

nannyogg

Civil action will be far more expensive. Being off work with stress will be far more expensive. Paying for sessions with a paediatric psychologist will be far more expensive. I don't think everyone in Ukraine could afford to move. The police will not help. Sometimes you have to take a financial hit.

I would request to see someone higher up in the police force to explain the situation. I take it there's nothing to worry about under Claires law re.children. Did he take his kids to the ice-skating, or just appear by himself?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I am too. Police about as useful as a chocolate fire guard. Look into the community trigger (Google your area + “community trigger”) and victim support. ITalk have been very good helping us too with not feeling as vulnerable.

these cases can go WAY too far and end up in physical harm and the police rock up afterwards and say lessons need to be learned blah blah blah. There’s more justice for the perpetrator imho.

This. They are fucking useless with anything like this. A friend had a similar issue but she was receiving nasty calls to her business. It ended up being the husband of one of her clients, she caught him out the only time he forgot to 141 the call. She reported him to the police who came out and said that them having a word would only escalate things but asked if her husband was a big bloke because it might be worth him going and giving him the hard word instead. Ffs.

This is utterly shit but you need to tell your dh exactly what is going on, you are not doing anyone any favours by minimising this. Next you need to keep reporting to the Police every time. They may be useless but if you keep reporting you will force them to act. If they still do nothing you need to escalate your complaint with your Crime Commissioner and your MP.

Another thought, do you have any neighbours you could confide in? My dh certainly wouldn’t stand by if he knew a woman and her dc were being harassed. He’d be straight out there every night telling the bloke to fuck off inside and stop bullying a lone woman.

You need to tell your dh everything that has been happening, so he can support you! I bet your creepy neighbour wouldn't do anything if your dh wasn't at home.

Maybe if your h goes out and shouts at him, the creepy neighbour will get a fright and not bother you again? He is a coward, picking on you, but please don't suffer in silence.

I'd also get motion-activated lights that go on whenever anyone gets close to the house, plus keep your Ring doorbell on.

@Nanny0gg unfortunately with people like this, very little will actually stop them! What if interventions make the behaviour worse or puts them in danger? I would find any way I possibly could to move rather than live next to a psychopath like that who made me feel unsafe in my own home! You just don’t know what people are capable of, and unfortunately a lot of the time police and other agencies are useless!

Please move. There have been tragic news stories about Neighbours like this - the couple that were killed in front of their children either this year or the year before (?) because of issues with a creepy neighbour. Please don’t live like this anymore. Unfortunately the police are pretty useless in certain situations and don’t often help as much as they should. I really feel for you OP, it must be horrible having to live like that in your own home!

Will people stop telling her to move?

I agree the situation is awful, but if you can't afford to move, you can't afford to move!

The people offering other sources of support are being far more helpful.

I wish I could offer something concrete but others have said the best options.

I would be looking at moving.You shouldnt need to ,but he is intimidating you.The fact your DH works nights lets the creepy little bastard sneak around and scare you.What sort of person does this!

The advice from the police, although frustrating, probably means he's done this before. Possibly repeatedly.

A friend had a problem with a neighbour. She went to the police who told her the man was one of a very large local family known for criminality and if she made a formal complaint they would make her life a misery. They advised her just to try to ignore him.

It may be very difficult to do anything about this man. I'd ask neighbours, as they may give you very valuable information about his history and who else he may have persecuted.

Social Services have notified you not because they think they need to be involved but to make sure you have a complete record of his harassment.

yes, keep a record of all SS interaction with you, with dates & times they followed up with updates about malicious reporting.

The police gave us advice on how to deal with him but said it’s best not to aggravate the situation by reporting him formally and we should try and keep the peace.

That was shit advice & whichever officer gave it needs some urgent retraining.

Get back in touch with them, & ask for somebody who has training in this area (stalking, abuse, harassment) to pick up your case. Explain what you have here, & request proper advice, including a verbal warning for the neighbour.

His behaviour definitely constitutes harassment.
If you get nowhere fast with the police, contact WA, The Suzy Lamplugh Trust, & your MP. This can be tackled, but you.agencies/police need to follow due process to get to the point of significant action on your behalf. So document everything (save ring doorbell footgage) - handwritten notes in a notebook is fine - with times & dates & a description of each incident. Don't worry that you cannot do that fully for the past behaviours - but make sure you do it from now on.

Are his actions aimed at just you? Or your husband too?

Although I don't agree with how the police dealt with the inital visit,the Police's first job is to keep the peace. Essentially, they are peace officers, so the advice you were given came from a slightly good place. However you are completely entitled to report harrassment to the police. You must however provide evidence if you want them to prosecute. I'd install ring doorbells, CCTV, reverse dash cam and take photos / videos of him if you see him at the icerink etc...
Oddly, tell your GP as well. Tell them you are feeling scared, and you are worried for your children. Tell the school. If you get nowhere with the Police then tell your MP and the PCC.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You need to tell your husband everything (as a PP suggested, away from the house), speak to your GP, speak to the Suzy Lampugh Trust that has been suggested, keep contacting the police, keep a record. If the police are still unhelpful, contact your MP and/or your local PCC.

Tell your husband!

If he goes round and has a go at the creep so much the better.

I'm not remotely minimising just. In fact I think it's crucial that she doesn't listen to the misinformation peddled about so she realises her only option is to leave. Trauma counselling and civil injunctions (especially if he gets legal aid) are both extremely expensive. Your well meaning pipe dream will not alleviate her situation. Stalkers like this are not put off by a piece of paper or police visit and judges often don't look kindly on neighbourly disputes anyway (very difficult to get them to see this as anything else regardless of evidence). The law does not protect victims in the way it claims to unless you're famous.