I have no bond with my daughter.

134 replies

AwfulMum22 · 24/08/2022 20:14

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 24/08/2022 20:41

Or maybe list the things that you DO love about her?
Focus on the positives?

lightand · 24/08/2022 20:40

I also agree with @Aquamarine1029
Faking it could help?

lightand · 24/08/2022 20:40

Perhaps it would help on this thread to list the types of things you dont like about her?

But I do think you need to give yourself a bit of a pat on the back. Instead of feeling guilty all the time.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2022 20:39

This exact situation happened with a close family friend of mine. She had zero connection with her middle child, and she did everything humanly possible to fix it. What she did was to fake it until she made it, and she did! She forced herself to be as demonstrative, loving, and engaged with that child as she was with her other 2, and when he was about 12, everything kind of fell into place and their relationship was reborn.

This child is an adult now and he and his mum are very, very close. It just took quite a bit of time and a lot of perseverance. Don't give up, op.

lightand · 24/08/2022 20:37

I am no expert, but perhaps stop being so hard on yourself?

You love her and she loves you.

Original poster

AwfulMum22 · 24/08/2022 20:34

Relationship with my parents is pretty weird. I don’t like them very much to be honest.

My daughter loves me and I know I love her very much. I cry all the time from the guilt of feeling this way. When I was in hospital having my baby (I was in for 3 weeks) I cried every time I saw a photo of her or even thought about her. I KNOW I love her. It’s just this horrible cloud that follows me around and I can only seem to tolerate her in small bursts. Things have improved since I’ve gone back to work but it’s still hard for us all.

OP posts:

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 24/08/2022 20:26

What does your therapist recommend? You absolutely must sort this out as she has already been through so much at such a young age ☹️ I really feel for her now she has a younger sibling who is more loved (and whose father,presumably, you are still with?)

Do you think you identify her with her abusive dad subconsciously? What was your relationship with your own mother like?

whumpthereitis · 24/08/2022 20:25

You were in an abusive relationship, so I’m assuming her father was your abuser? Did you want to be pregnant/continue the pregnancy?

Unfortunately therapy isn’t a magic bullet that can fix all issues, because despite the best intentions not all issues can be fixed. Having therapy does not mean that you will get what you want from it. It may be that what therapy can provide you, is a way to live with this.

Somethingsnappy · 24/08/2022 20:20

That's tough, I'm sorry op. Can you be more specific about what irritates you? Could you just have very different personalities? Perhaps as she grows up and becomes more mature, you'll find you enjoy her company more. 8 can be a difficult age. I have 4 children and my oldest is 8, nearly 9. It feels like having a mini teenager in the house. I also love her to pieces, but she irritates me too currently!

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