I have no bond with my daughter.

No deep advice. But I have an eight year old daughter too. Each day tell her you love her, give her a hug (or similar affirming physical affection) and tell her something about her that your proud of.

You can work on your issues separately, and hopefully she'll accept your words and actions.

You’re speaking as if the OP hasn’t been, and isn’t, trying to change things. What do you expect her to do in order to ‘sort herself out’? What magic wand do you think she’s in possession of, that she wouldn’t have tried already if she actually was?

I am going to be harsh but you seriously need to sort yourself out...

You are projecting the fact that you had an abusive relationship and a hard time and probably not the best relationship with your parents into your kid. There is nothing she can do about that and it is unfair to blame her for these things.

Do you think this is fair on her? I don't think it is. She sounds like a great kid with no behavioural issues. Yet you seem to dislike her simply because she exists. That's a heavy burden for a child to carry.

You really need to start your trauma therapy again and not to just accept that you can continue to feel like this around her. T

his will only get worse because she will definitely pick up on the fact that your are more at ease around the new baby.

Unless you have a partner who can offer her more affection and re-balance things a bit you need to continue to try to get yourself in a healthier position.

It is probably not what you want to hear but I really think someone had to say that. Yes you are struggling but your child is your responsibility and she has the right to live in a home environment where she is not disliked or seen as a daily irritant.

I also had the ick. I couldn't bare to be around her and hated her neediness (she could feel my trying to distance so would try harder to get close to me). I even told my mum to take her from me as I didn't want her (what I meant is I didn't want to feel the awful feelings her presence brought up in me). It wasnt her fault but her birth opened the Pandora's box of my own undealt with trauma and being around her dysregulated me so much that I was either fighting/trying to get away or shutting down. Counselling didn't help because I couldn't talk my way out of my trauma, I needed a different approach. Being in an abusive relationship normally has its roots in a history of some kind of trauma or abuse (although not always) so there may be stuff to deal with as well as the abusive relationship. Things can be repaired with the right help. I am much closer to my girl now and am hoping the bond gets stronger as she gets older (she is 13 now).

@AwfulMum22 No I don't hate her or blame her. I kind of did as a teenager, and I put up emotional walls against her to keep her out because I didn't want to be vulnerable around her or hurt by her.

But looking at what she went through I know it wasn't her fault. But as my counsellor says, it wasn't mine either, and I missed out on having a real mother, and I'm allowed to recognise the pain I felt as a child.

It's difficult now she's older, I think she's forgotten a lot of how things were - "confirmation bias" in therapy speak - and she seems sad and a bit bewildered to not have the relationship with me that she sees others having with their daughters.

But to give her that would be me acting a part/forcing myself, because that bond never really developed when it needed to.

I then went on to not have children (by choice), which she's also upset about. Whether or not this was a result of my childhood or not I'll never know, maybe I wouldn't have wanted children anyway. It's almost like I can't comprehend the mother/daughter relationship at all. I can't get my head around what that would be like and it's always scares me. So I didn't have children.

Have you read much about neural pathways? My counsellor talks a lot about these and says my feelings now are a symptom of not developing these normally as a child. It's interesting to read about.

I think you need to focus on your narratives around this. You DO have a bond with her, you know you love her, you know she loves you. Your words are so critical of yourself and I think they keep you stuck. Part of freeing yourself will be challenging the harsh things you are telling yourself, you have plenty to offer her as a mother and you need to be able to tap into that, otherwise you are left with the barrier of not feeling like you deserve that bond.

Perhaps giving therapy another go might help? It might be worth looking for an attachment narrative practitioner.

Has your therapists/psychiatrists discussed with you the fact that overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame are extremely common for people with bipolar? They have with me - I have had and still do really major issues with it but for different reasons. It's basically a predisposition/by product of the disorder. And sometimes the guilt of the problem fuels the problem more, you create a pressure cooker of it in your mind.

The fact that you're prepared to think your feelings through, gain insight, and want to change means you're NOT an ogre.

Be kind to yourself. I don't have any tips except that!

You sound like my mother. She loved me the least but I was the most like her. Think forward, how will you feel when she doesn't want much to do with you and has her own family. She will need to protect herself because she feels your negativity. Hopefully she is building up lots of resilience. I don't underestimate your feelings - admire your honesty - but you will lose out in the long term. Good luck! I think you can build on this. x

Is it possible that the 'ick' comes from her reminding you of your guilt? Could you try forgiving yourself for your relationship with her so far? It sounds like at the minute she's a reflection of all the things you've done wrong or don't like about yourself and that's what you need to move on from x

This sounds like good advice to me.

You can’t force yourself to feel an emotion, not any type of emotion in relation to anyone or anything. Trying to force yourself to feel love towards your DD is just one more item “to do” on your arm-long Mother’s To Do List. It’s understandable if that fact actually makes you feel more resentful and guilty than full of love.

Since you can’t fix how you feel, stop trying to. Focus on how you act. Actions are within your control. The more time you spend with your DD, the more you invest yourself in her happiness and success, the more likely you are to wind up feeling some affection for you in the future. But don’t make that the goal - just go through the motions and assure yourself that that’s good enough. You’re good enough.

That was my immediate thought too - all 8 year olds (and indeed all DC) can be irritating. Even your own. Especially your own, I would have thought!

She's 8? So still a minor? The things that you don't like, is it the behaviour you'd expect from a child of that age? Or is the dislike for your child rooted in your experiences? Are there other positive/healthy female influences/support systems/relationships around for the both of you

I am a middle child. My mother didn’t like me. I know she loved me but I could sense her irritation at me merely for being in the same room as her. I have a younger sibling and it was obvious my mother was besotted. Weirdly I grew up to be the favourite, merely because the boys found wives and I became the one she could rely on. As adults we get along fine but as a child she struggled to tolerate me. She over compensates now which pisses me at times.
I wish I could tell you it doesn’t damage you but it does. I have spent a lifetime seeking approval. I know she couldn’t help how she felt but I have always felt less worthy and lacking in confidence.
On the plus side I rely on nobody and learned how to take care of myself
I wish I had some advice for you. I guess fake it and do your best not to show it.

I'm the DD in this situation. My DM had PND and then some other MH problems when I was a child.

I'm now late 30s and we've never really had a mother daughter relationship. It's sad, but I don't think it's fixable. I've had several years of counselling over my childhood.

I think DM would love to magic up a close relationship with me now but it's just not possible. We love each other, she knows I love her, we just never really had a proper bond.

I think you have to unpick why she 'triggers' you - at the root cause it's likely to be something about how you feel about yourself and how you were patented.

I had this with my oldest. PND and CPTSD caused it for me. Spent many years being disconnected and then horrendously triggered by her. It was hell. I hated myself for it. I've had several years of a therapy called Brainspotting which has helped a great deal. Addressing my trauma has given me space to work on my relationship with her. It can still be tricky sometimes but it has improved massively. I really do understand. Try to see it as part of a dynamic you did not cause and would change if you could (you can with support using EMDR or Brainspotting) and look for ways of dealing with your own trauma first.

And yes, start listing all her good qualities to remind yourself why you love her.
Without trying to undermine your feelings - all 8 year olds are irritating a lot of the time. Can you accept that some of it is a normal parent reaction?

Can you analyse what it is you don’t ‘like’ about being with her.
Is it actually her or the way your history with with her makes you feel about yourself?
Are your short periods of interactions with her positive-especially from her point of view?
Personally I would have thought your willingness to try and change it must make a massive difference to her in the long run. You’ve not given up.
Also try not to compare the relationships between you and your two children.
The way I feel for both of mine is different, so is the relationship- I have an excellent bond to both.

Yeah I don’t think listing her bad qualities will help the situation. Tell us what her good qualities are, what interests her, what you love about her. What other people, classmates, teachers would say about her.

@AwfulMum22 How old is your other child and how long have you been with their dad, Do they have a good relationship with her? Did they look after her for the 3 weeks you were in hospital?