I have no bond with my daughter.

It could get better you know. I never really gelled with my firstborn of three. I loved her of course but we weren't close. Not really. Now she's 15 and in the last couple of years we're besties! Seriously tight bond with shared interests, whether it's books or tv shows. She texts me from school with the latest gossip most days and even was snap chatting selfies with her teacher on a PE walk a while back just cos I was bored. Crazy.

She's a lovely young woman and never fails to think of others, whether it's making a cuppa and offering us, or helping me get dressed when I was injured.

You just hold on. It can get so much better.

Is it possible you are overthinking it because you have so much guilt over your PND and the situation when she was little.

What you describe sounds like a bond. You love her, she loves you. She irritates the hell out of you. Isn't that just family most of the time?

Maybe you are actually trying too hard to compensate for something she probably doesn't even remember and relaxing a bit (and forgiving yourself) rather than over thinking every interaction will serve you better

I think @IrisVersicolor has a very good point, and so when you're doing this, you're actually giving yourself a reason to dislike yourself and beat yourself up (if that makes sense?)

When my ds was born I didn't feel that bond I'd felt with dd. I was disappointed and didn't know if I loved him enough. I faked it. Always going above and beyond. I would often take his side and forgive any little trouble he got into. Hoping no-one else would see through my act!!

I don't know when it changed. I stopped thinking if others knew my secret because it wasn't there anymore. I take his side now because he's lush and the nicest little boy in the whole world!! I think I may have had pnd, but again I wouldn't have anyone know that.

I've loved reading the advice about faking on here. I've not thought about those first few years (he's 11 now) Reminded me to give him an extra squeeze at bedtime!!

This isn’t a about her it’s about you and your relationship with yourself. All the depressive aspect of your bipolar, all the aspects of yourself you don’t like or don’t acknowledge are projected onto her. Disliking her is a way of expressing self-dislike by proxy.

So it hasn't always been like this?

I might be barking up completely the wrong tree, but have you considered it's PND manifesting in this horrible feeling towards your daughter?

To be honest, you sound perfectly normal in that she irritates you sometimes etc., but just really really unhappy about it. The unhappiness/depression is what's making it seem like more than it is?

OP you say above about when it was just the 2 of you and you were so close so you haven’t always felt like this? Can you pinpoint a time when these feelings began?

I remember DD1 being about 8/9 and I used to get very irritated by her. Your post has brought those memories back. Anyway, I faked things a lot of the time and those feelings then receded. We’re best of friends now. She’s 22 now.

I don’t like my mother - I don’t think she particularly likes me, it is hard especially with the amazing mother/daughter stereotypes you are supposed to be.

Have you looked into blocked care, OP?

The only other thing I'd say is that it's very hard to force a bond. Impossible, actually. So if in the back of your head you're thinking, "wemustbondwemustbond" when you're with her, it's only going to have the opposite effect.

My advice is to be ok with your feelings. They're just feelings. All feelings are valid. Sit with them. Doesn't mean you are a bad person. Aim for zero guilt or stress about lack of connection. Just relax. Spend 15 minutes a day doing whatever she wants to do with her. Just 15 minutes. When you feel stressed out annoyed by her, take a second, and then just smile. Just for 10 seconds, it will help you relax.

You could try 5 minutes of "special time" with her each night. No phones or distractions. She gets to choose what to do, and you have to do it with her. My DS used to enjoy that

Good luck. It sounds tough for you. Well done for addressing it

But you DO have a bond OP. In fact, it's really strong! - you clearly love her, you see her as a great kid, you have memories of you and her hanging out, you want the best for her. She loves you.

That's what a bond is.

The fact you find her annoying and maybe don't 'get' her little personality at this point in time is something else. It's just a personality thing! You'll learn to click as she gets older. I have two boys. I totally 'get' one of them, he's a mini me, on my wave length. He's so easy to be around because I totally understand him. My other boy is much more like my husband. I don't really get him that much! I find him quite annoying and I have to work much harder to click with him. BUT I love them equally. Like your DD, my DS is a gorgeous and wonderful boy. I'm slowly learning to understand him and appreciate his personality. Can't wait for our relationship to keep growing. Its just harder when you are so different from someone, but learning about them and how to get along and appreciate each other is a skill and takes time. It is what demonstrates your love and it's what you are already doing OP.

Keep focussing on what makes your DD a great kid, why you love her, that you love her and stop beating yourself up! Give it time. 8yr olds can be annoying!

Have you tried to let yourself have the feelings you feel about your daughter and let go of the feelings as they pass. It strikes me that you are saying you have negative emotions about your child but also that you massively shame yourself for having those emotions so you don’t just let the emotions pass through you and move towards a more neutral or positive mindset about her.

You love your daughter, you do the stuff that matters to love her, that is a good thing.

Honestly it sounds like you have PND again but negative feelings are directed at your daughter rather than new baby.

Is your second child a boy?

You say you were close when she was younger and you were a single parent- what’s changed?

How old is your baby?

My mum so clearly hated me when I was a kid, she couldn’t bare me, my brother was the clear favourite. I really disliked her growing up because I just didn’t feel any love or bond and so spent most of my life with my Nan. Things shifted a bit when I got pregnant at 16 and she stepped up quite a lot and now I’m her favourite, she barely has a relationship with my brother because she’s a difficult woman and he doesn’t like it. I find her hard work and difficult but still have a relationship with her.

What I would say is that it’s absolutely imperative that you “fake it until you make it” even if you don’t feel a bond and can’t bare her, because it left me with so many mental health issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms,m. You will probably find that your bond develops later in life, but most definitely never ever let her cotton on to how you’re feeling, keep up with the therapy so you have an outlet to talk about it yourself.

My husband used to do this lovely thing with our daughter when she was little (think he copied it from a movie!)... He would say "you are kind, you are important, you are.... (and repeat all the lovely things about her) ..." but he had a little script and he would repeat it every night before bed... She loved it

She annoys you? Her habits irritate you? I genuinely think that’s life. You love her and you said that. Some people don’t really like their children. Stop beating yourself.

Its never too late, relationships are developing all the time and shes only 8. You both love each other and know that, thats great . Fake it til you make it is really good advice. Just keep telling her you love her, hug her and tell her all those lovely things you said about her further up the thread.
And be kind to yourself, you love her and have bonded with her as much as you possibly can..
Good luck to you both xxxxx

This is excellent advice . You are good enough OP and you love your daughter. Also sometimes 8 year olds can be extremely irritating , even if you love them. You need to offer yourself some understanding and compassion. As another PP said, give her a hug everyday, tell her something good about herself that makes you proud. You got this OP ❤️.

OP, this must be very distressing for you.

Do you think you're perhaps imagining this 'bond' as this magical thing that you hear about yet you don't identify with that description of it, but in reality, it is actually what you already have, that feeling of love, that you would die for her? Are you sure that it isn't already there and that what you have imagined this 'bond' to be is actually what you already have but you just don't recognise it?

I'm not sure if I've explained that very well, I know what I mean in my head!

I've learned a lot about the brain recently and how it fights to keep us in homeostasis. To keep you safe it keeps you the same. Doing the same things and avoiding things. So you kind of need to retrain it to prove to it that you're safe.

Objectively you can see that she's a lovely girl, but something (your brain) is giving you the ick. It is telling you to avoid her.

Faking it until you make it is brilliant advice. You will prove to your brain that all will be ok and you won't risk being in an abusive relationship by getting close to her.

Have mum and daughter days where you do something fun together maybe a couple of times a month?

Good for you for trying to fix this. It can be so hard dealing with the aftermath of abusive relationships/dysfunctional families. Keep showing your daughter you love her and reaffirming.