I have no bond with my daughter.

sometimes, the oldest child shines a light on how poor a parent we could be. The we correct the mistakes by the time number 2/3+ come around. Of course you have enough heart to love many many more, but she is the one who reflects onto you the most in maybe not doing the best job you anticipated you could have done. Give yourself a break and more importantly give her a break. Note there are many middle children who never get a break because nobody even sees them to bother.

My mother really didn't like me very much when I was a child. She's always loved me, but she didn't like me very much. Her reasons weren't anything compared to what you've been through - her main thing was that I was fat, and she really can't stand fat people. Having people see her fat daughter was very upsetting for her, And I was a bit of a weird and awkward child; she'd really pictured a pink and princesses kind of girl and I was more about science fiction and stray animals. It jarred her.

Oddly enough, we have a decent relationship now. We aren't close, but we're solid. I've accepted her limitations as a parent and a person, and my being a fairly functional adult has made her unclench with me a fair bit. It's far from perfect, but it's not awful. It's good enough. I think what helps is that I really do know she always loved me. I absolutely do wish she could have also always LIKED me, but parents are people and people are imperfect beings.

No real suggestions here, OP, and I do think you should keep trying. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If just "good enough" is as good as it's going to get, there are worse things than that.

I am in the same boat OP. I am intending to spend more one to one time with my dd. Short bursts of it though.

Could you be trying too hard? What made you have another child? To be honest no offence but you should of concentrated on the kid you already have.

I'm not sure what to suggest. Hope it works out for your DDs sake though.

(Whoops I used dashes in my previous post that caused an automatic cross-out of part of a sentence. Not my intention!)

@AwfulMum22 , I have two thoughts.

One is that when someone is feeling depressed, it is common to think "X is awful, it has always been awful, and it always will be awful." I'm sure you learned a bit about cognitive distortions like this in your past CBT. It's not a magical fix to recognize that this is an error in thinking, but I hope you can find some solace in the fact that statistically and realistically, MOST things do not remain eternally 100% awful. In other words, I suspect it's highly likely that your relationship with your daughter will improve.

Another thought I have and this is based off my own experiences, so I don't know if it's true for you, but might be worth considering is: Is it possible you are jealous of her? I've often found that I tend to resent people who are extremely happy and confident, because I wish I could be that happy and confident. Maybe you are a bit resentful that she is young and carefree (and beautiful, intelligent, etc -- all the adjectives you previously used to describe her), because you feel that you are NOT that. When I've been jealous of people in the past, I often focus on what they do that is irritating, wrong, etc, and that makes them increasingly annoying to me. This could be something worth exploring on your own, or in therapy. Not trying to project onto you, but it's been helpful for me personally to recognise this in the past, so I wanted to throw it out there for you :)

Fake it till you make it

also find things you appreciate about her. Daily actively look for little things which you appreciate

@Redqueenheart

Oh give over. The OP is worried about her bond with her child. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t do a good job mothering her daughter - it sounds like she absolutely does - and there is no reason to assume her daughter doesn’t feel loved and secure. The fact that she’s a sunny little girl indicates she does.

What the OP needs to do, first and foremost is stop giving herself such a hard time. You cannot force a bond, what you can do is love and parent your child and the OP is doing that.

That is tough OP, but if you love her, she knows you love her, she loves you, and you make an effort to do things with her… I think you are doing pretty fucking well?

It may just be that you are very different people and you don’t have a whole bunch in common. That’s not a crime, neither is finding her irritating.

It’s not great for you, but it sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother. She doesn’t know what goes on in your head. I would focus on continuing to be a great mum, rather than trying to bond with her - just relax a bit and take it as it comes.

I think we are terrible at assuming parenthood is one size fits all. I didn’t know till I was too old that lots of people don’t feel a rush of love when their baby is handed to them. A male friend of mine who has 3 daughters and is a great dad, amazed me recently when he said - well because they are girls we don’t have a natural bond and I really have to work at it. Now I don’t think he’s right that that’s a general truth - lots of Dads and daughters have a powerful natural bond, but that’s how it is for him, and he just works with it, he doesn’t beat himself up. I have literally lost count of the friends who have told me they find X child irritating, or Y child difficult.

So, just focus on mothering, which you are doing really well after a tough start. A deep bond may come - or may not, but what you are doing now will give her a solid and secure start in life, and that’s what matters.

Your feelings are what they are
accept you don’t like her, it is what it is.
then what are you going to do though to still be a good parent because you love her

so seeming interested, spending time with her etc. What would an ideal parent do (not feel) and do that

with any luck not stressing about how or why you don’t like her will help you get over it, and if not at least you know you’re doing all you are capable of doing to be a good mum.

also think about the positives instead of the negatives. Each day think about something she’s done that you loved or a moment when you felt love for her.
you could eventually spend 5 mins thinking about all the nice things she did that day etc. Other Days you may struggle!

emdr would be great for you

OP this sounds really hard. I struggle somewhat with my older daughter - also to do with trauma -but not as much as you, by the sound of it, and still the guilt is crushing sometimes.

EMDR has been mentioned, I think that is worth exploring. And be patient with yourself. You can't force yourself to feel anything, but you can try to be calm and focused around her.

For what it's worth as a comparison, I've ended up feeling similar towards my mum too - I love her desperately but boy does she get on my nerves with her neediness and self-delusions.

It's a trial being around her, a test of patience, self-control and generosity of spirit, and I regularly fail and snap at her. Many other times I want to snap and don't.

When I snap, I apologise. I also apologise to my children if the snappiness spills over to them. I do think that helps, you don't have to pretend to your daughter that you're perfect. All the best.

I think you're overthinking it.

You love your daughter.

It's not a romantic relationship - so what more do you think is normal?

I wish I knew my Mother 😢

@AwfulMum22 do you mind my asking if the abuse started when you were pregnant with your DD?

Probably because 9yos can be annoying compared to babies, who don't talk or do anything much. It'll pass when your little boy becomes equally irritating. 😉

OP I have been there.

Terrible undiagnosed PND with DD. I used to look at her and she didn’t feel like she was mine. When she was a bit older I got easily irritated by her. When DS came along it was an instant and very intense bond as well, which trebled my guilt over DD.

Its a cliche but I found that time helped. Further away from those feelings of depression and into a place where I can see it wasn’t DD’s fault but it also wasn’t my fault I felt that way. I started to go easy on myself, and when I would get snappy with her I’d remind myself this is a hangover of the PND. I made a point of always looking out for the good qualities in her - the way she loves her brother, her sense of humour, how kind she is etc. I reminded myself to always look for it.

Shes 9 now and things aren’t 100% perfect but they’re getting better all the time. We do lots of stuff just the two of us and I enjoy it. I tell her she must call me out if she thinks I’m not being the mum she deserves. Sometimes she does and I realise I am being unreasonable and I apologise and say I appreciate her telling me when I balls up.

I also have to be aware that I don’t seem to be favouring her brother.

One thing I do feel bad about is that she’s a bit of a cold fish sometimes. Doesn’t express affection much, doesn’t especially form very close bonds to people. I do think it’s because of my PND and the distance I built between us as a result. But you can’t win them all and she is still kind and a very good and tolerant sister, and she’s a happy child and confident in who she is. Can’t ask for much more than that.

IF you want a different relationship with your eldest child you must decide to treat her as a priority.

When you spend time with her change your attitude and don't make her feel you are forcing yourself to do everything that interests her. It may be because you were in an abusive relationship she never got to see those things that interest you.

By opening your heart to your eldest child she will feel how much you care about her, that you like your eldest child.

Tune in to her when you are together, no distractions, no technology, nothing that might tempt you to become irritated.

Allow her to feel your respect of her and of her space.

Model the behavior you want to see if you want a healthy relationship with your eldest child.

the very best to you

The bond is there, it may not have been tested so you might not recognise it, but it is there.

We have lots of lovely times together but then I always ruin it by getting so wound up by something so small.

OP, can you describe an example of the above?

OP - firstly please change your username. You are NOT an awfulmum.

Maybe you could call yourself 'goodenoughmum', or 'ImTryingMyBest' or something a bit more positive.

You are with yourself 24 hours a day so you need to start being nicer to yourself OP.

I feel you op, I have a 7 year old dd and every little thing she does makes me want to explode. The way she shuffles her hand down the banister, the way she fake laughs when shes trying to be funny, the way she messes about when asked to put her shoes on, thr list goes on. And I too have noticed my behaviour and my reactions to her, ive noticed how much i dislike this current stage of development shes going through. But, like you, ive also realised how damaging i can/will be to her if i allow myself to continue.

Ive tried to get into better habits of saying i love you at bed time, saying things about her when she can hear (we all love hearing secretly what someone thinks of us) to her dad, for example when shes in the next room telling him how impressed i was with her reading today, the smile when i walk back in is always huge, not the same when i say it to her? Not sure why but hey ho. When she starts doing 7 year old annoying humming or mumbling or fidgiting i leave the room.

Its not easy op, and im hoping for both out sakes we find a fix.

I think you should forgive yourself. You sound like me, with my eldest, not the same background but the same result, she was a difficult baby and I had PND and it really just wasn't a good set up for a bond. I have always loved her but just did not like her as a person and wouldn't want to be close to her if we weren't related. That's the way this world is, there are plenty of good people who I won't ever be friends with, because our personalities aren't a match. I saw a similar question written into an advice column, and they were told: All you can do is fake it, showing as much kindness as you can. In the end, it doesn't actually matter what you're thinking, as long as she feels like you love her, and you care. And you do care, that much is really clear.

I wonder whether she reminds you of you and therefore brings to mind your own childhood and all your feelings about that. Nothing like being a parent to make you re-experience being a child, and sometimes that’s very hard if your childhood wasn’t great. If you think there might be anything in this, I’d read Philippa Perry’s book.

I don't get on with my mum. It's not for lack of love we just have opposing personalities and never connected. She had some mental issues, had a psychiatrist and was never happy. I have a bond with my dad and grandma. Also my own 2 kids but I fake with 1 more - have to think to make conversation (6 year old). Hoping it will develop in time.