I have no bond with my daughter.

Fake it til you make it, I would suggest. Pour affectionate behaviour into her at every opportunity. Praise her at least 3 times for every negative interaction. Remember the mantra “love is a verb” - if you feed her, shelter her, send her off to school with a friendly goodbye, nice lunch and clean clothes, hug her and praise her, then that’s love. And most importantly, get the support you need via therapy and medication.

@AwfulMum22 I can resonate with this a lot, I think a lot comes down to genetics. I am so differnt to both my parents, none of us get on at all, it's long to explain but have sent you a PM itl be in your inbox logging in via the browser not the app. But I do understand this as have also been having very similar experiences and it has been a lot to manage. X x

Oh sorry, just read responses to the other person who suggested projection.

You’re clearly a lovely Mum to be worrying about your bond with your daughter.

It’s ok not to share the same interests: my eldest’s interests bore the pants off me so I listen dutifully, have learned a whole lot about things I don’t care about but we do things like have a nice drink and biscuits while we chat! Winner 😊. We’ve also worked together to find some shared interests that don’t include my youngest (who I naturally have lots in common with) and it’s lovely.

It’s completely normal to have to work a little harder at some relationships than others but that fact that you love your DD so much and she loves you will see you through. It’s also completely normal for her to irritate you. 8 year olds are notoriously irritating. This improves vastly as they get a bit older 😊.

I hope you start to feel better soon too. That will definitely help things along, but honestly, if you’re hugging her every day, telling her you love her, and treating her with kindness and affection which it sounds like you are then all is well.

I have just read your first post and not the entire thread, but I just wanted to say that you are massively projecting on to your daughter here, has your therapist brought that into the room? You have an understandable amount of heavy baggage from the time she was born but if I were you I would try and work on how to stop putting this on your relationship with your child and work on why you are looking for something to blame. That way, you might free up something within you which may in time also allow movement in your relationship with her. This isn't about her, so don't make it, please, she is entirely blameless.

Also her anxiety may have a lot to do with the new sibling. It may be exacerbating behaviour you find annoying, causing you to push her away, causing more anxiety and worse behaviours - all actually totally normal after a new baby, but even harder when there are pre-existing MH issues (you) and trauma (both of you).

@AwfulMum22

Can you go back onto your meds? It may be you are catastrophising and seeing this as 'it's always been like this' when actually things had improved a lot with your DD and now are deteriorating because you are doing without meds you need to function. I know I was being very shitty to my daughter until I got ahold of myself and got back on my meds. are your meds incompatible with breastfeeding or something? are there any alternatives you could try?

But was your mum trying or not? This could cause more worry if trying also makes you try hard and means nobody likes you

OP, you are unwell.

You say yourself that you have bipolar disorder and PND and I don't think your thought processes right now are rational. I think you are fixating on a 'bond', when in reality you love your daughter very, very much and can't actually think of any bad things to say about her. I think you are really struggling with some distorted thinking at the moment and that this is much more about your negative feelings towards yourself than it is about your daughter.

Also... most kids are quite irritating a lot of the time. There's a reason lots of parents can't wait for school to start again after the summer holidays. Most people find their children easier in small doses. You are not unusual or a bad mum.

Im on the other side of this! Mum and i never bonded and she also didn't like her own parents. Truth is, nobody likes her either. She gives off a "I'm trying, but I don't like you" vibe.

She loves my brother. There's definitely a bond there but my brother doesn't like her due to how she was with me.

I've had years of therapy and had to gain so much resilience.

I also had diagnosed PND but thankfully bonded with my DS.

The difference between you and my mum is that you want to spark a bond. That IS a maternal instinct kicking in, you're already on your way to fixing this.

Keep going OP. You got this x

OK so you wanted another baby. Can that be unpacked at all? Because obviously you already had this issue connecting with your DD, had suffered severe PND. Were you not worried this might happen again? Were you not concerned about the impact on your DD and future baby of a return of your PND?

I'm not saying any of this from a place of judgment btw. I've had a second baby in a less than suitable relationship after experiencing situational depression and breakdown that had to be medicated, I have since experienced PMDD and treated my eldest really badly during that period (am now medicated again). I'm not saying people with mental illness or difficult circumstances shouldn't/mustn't have children. I'm just wondering if and how you conducted your cost-benefit analysis, what you were expecting from a second child, how if at all you prepared yourself, whether you felt like your relationship with your DD had improved or if you thought a new baby would help it improve etc. Just any insight into your thoughts and feelings around this big change that might help.

Also is your current relationship abusive or positive? And does DD have any contact with her dad?

Can I ask what made you decide to have another baby?

You have PND. That can make all thoughts wonky.
Be gentle on yourself.

But OP, you clearly do have a bond with your DD! You've said you love her, and you know she loves you. You look back fondly on happy times and adventures you've had together. You worry about her and desperately want to do your best for her. You sound like a loving, caring Mum to me! Parenting with chronic MH issues is not easy and you are being very hard on yourself. Of course you get irritated by your DD sometimes, 8 year olds are irritating and sure don't we all get irritated by the people we spend the most time with?? That's just part and parcel of family life and loving someone and being closed to them doesn't mean you're blind to their faults or that they never get on your nerves. You've said you have PND and you're under the care of the perinatal MH team. I think it's very likely that this is your PND talking, telling you you're the worst Mum ever and your DD would be better of without you, but those are just thoughts, not facts. PND colours all your experiences and makes you over-analyse all your own thoughts and feelings, which makes parenting an older child really tricky. I honestly think the best thing you could do for your DD at this point is to give yourself a break, be kinder to yourself and remind yourself that all those lovely qualities about her you listed earlier, she has those because of you!

To be honest no offence but you should of concentrated on the kid you already have

What an unpleasant, unhelpful and unecessary post.

Are you medicated for your PND? I went on ADs during lockdown, and one of the side effects was that I 'fell in love' with my then 6 year old DS. I had always loved him, but actually didn't even realise I hadn't bonded properly, until the medication took effect, and there it was. I had severe and unresolved PND.

Some good advice here. I agree with spending time with her and being interested in what she's saying. Above all, have patience. When you start feeling irritated, force yourself to have patience and continue listening to her.
Hug her and tell her you love her. Praise her, be kind to her. Remind yourself daily of her wonderful qualities and the fact that she's innocent in all this.
You can still be a wonderful mother to her.

I think it could relate to YOUR childhood - some hidden thoughts/ fear is being rekindled in you. And it might be related to the age she is now and naturally resolve itself when she gets older.

I have a remarkably similar relationship with my mother. I’m also late 30s and haven’t shared anything deep & meaningful since I was a teenager, she has missed out on knowing me in any real way as an adult and is unaware of things such as the rounds of IVF I’ve needed.

She had a very tough upbringing and didn’t bond with me at all as a newborn, I was shipped off to my grandmother & adoption was considered. She had a lot of mental health issues throughout my child/teenager hood.

She is much, much closer to my subsequent two siblings so it’s not a lost cause at all. Please do what you can to engage with therapy & help as it sounds so tough for you.