I have no bond with my daughter.

Thank you , I feel like there is so much that affects my feelings , having a traumatic birth being put under general anaesthetic and not believing she was mine when I woke up, the fact she’s Loud and confident and I’m shy and quiet and her being a lot like my brother who I’ve never got on with. these all probably combine to cloud my feelings towards her.i do love her and she began with epilepsy at 5 she is also deaf and I was devastated at the idea of losing her I still am when I think how shel manage as an adult. Both my daughter and myself are under investigation for adhd so I think maybe that will help hopefully ?

Many relationships are due to events in your own childhood. Can you look back at things unemotionally to see if there was anything there.
Also there can be a black sheep in the family who is wrongly blamed for the issues when it lies elsewhere in the relationships.
I'm mid 70s looking back over the years there is many A Aa moments when I can see that something in my parents' behaviour or childhood affected my upbringing, their treatment of my siblings and me.

Thank you for sharing , I’m still in the same place things aren’t any better, I’ve referred myself for counselling but had anti depressants before with no luck , I don’t know how to cope with it some days but aslong as she never knows how I feel I have to get through each day xx

You love her to bits, you'd die for her, you hide your irritation and actively engage with her? OP, that's enough. It really is. You can't help your feelings. You know what they are, they're the scars of the abuse and the PND you suffered, and that if those scars weren't there the feelings wouldn't be. Its not your fault.
Keep doing what you're doing. Keep working with the therapy and as long as these feelings stay in the privacy of your mind in the meantime, you won't be hurting your daughter.

Can really relate to this post as I'm the same with my dd who is now a teen. must say our relationship has unfortunately got worse during her teens. Like you, i Wish I could ignore her horrible attitude and behaviour but I find her really triggering and I just loose my temper with her as much as I try not to. As a result we no longer spend much time together, no more trips out anywhere, we don't do anything together really which I feel sad about. I have a very different relationship with my younger ds but they have very different personalities. I wish things were different with me and dd. I'd love the close mother&daughter relationship I've always had with my own mum but I actually don't think me and dd will ever be close.

I’d just like to say I feel the same about my eldest child and I also have bipolar. Post is a couple of years old, hope you are well

Thank you @AwfulMum22 for replying , I keep reading your posts because I feel so similar to you and feel comforted in knowing it’s clearly an issue with trauma or depression, as Ive never bonded with my daughter but I know these bonds exist because I have a really strongly instant connection with my youngest, I also ruin all the nice cinema trips and days out together because she ends up annoying me or saying something annoying and I end up telling her off and I think why can’t I just ignore her why does she get to me so much,then I lie in bed crying about what a shit mam I am.
I’ve bought a journal to note down all the times I snap or feel annoyed to see if there’s a trigger or maybe just seeing it on paper that I’m annoyed 10 times a day will make me realise I need to be calmer and walk away , hope we both get that much longed for bond x

I'm glad to hear that you've found your way out of your PND. OP, maybe you're giving this too much thought. You love your DD, she's happy, has a good life etc. Are you maybe just overthinking this 'bond'?

Sorry to hear you are still going through this. It must be tough.

I haven't RTFT but it sounds like an attachment disorder. You could read Diane Poole Heller's The Power of Attachment, or you might look into changing therapist to someone trained in this area.

Good luck x

I'm really glad to hear that. So can you explain what it is that's difficult for you all? I can see what's difficult for you, but this post gives the impression that she's blissfully unaware of your struggles with her.

Can you describe what your relationship looks like to others and to your daughter? You said that "it's difficult for all of us". So what is your DD experiencing from you? And how does your DH respond to it all?

And does your DD express anything that indicates that she knows how you feel about her?

Please ignore others sharp posts. It's very clear from your early posts that you have done everything you can via therapy to change this.

I hope this little girl has someone in her life providing consistent genuine love and affection.

Yet the way you describe her is loving.
Some kids are annoying. You can still love them. I annoyed my mum. When I left home we had a brilliant relationship and she was very proud.
I just got on her nerves. It's given me a thick skin. I always knew she loved me.

I think op would have to be a phenomenonal actress for the dd not to know her mother doesn't like her, especially if she's physically rejecting her which am assuming what she means by 'my body reacted' absolutely no acknowledgement of her fault just as said above 'woe is me'.

'She did something ' and she's ruined things? What would you have done if the child you love and like had done the same thing?
This is absolutely tragic and I hope this little girl, (is she about 10?) has someone looking out for her because she's going to be all kinds of messed up.

I've name changed for this.

Were you on an abusive relationship when pregnant? I ask because as a kid i always felt i didnt fit with my family (one of 5 kids), used to pretend I was adopted etc. I just never fit with my mam in the way my Siblings did.
Never felt unloved though. Mum was a very strong willed woman.

When I was in my late 30s my parents split up and DF came.and spoke to us all individually . He admitted while working away he'd had a one night stand. He had admitted it to mam and that's all he said.

I very quickly worked out it was while DM was expecting me. I think that made it really difficult for her to bond with me pre and post natal . In my job ive done loads of study about cortisol levels and the effects on mum and babies, also leads to higher risk of PND - that's not personal choice stuff that's hormonal levels affecting lives

It literally answered loads of questions for me. It wasnt cruelty, it wasn't unloved, it was her way of coping with a massive betrayal.

Finding out made me view DM differently and I was definitely more sympathetic to her, with a greater understanding why she was the way she was at times.

You can see your DD is a.wonderful girl.and the fact she knows you feel like that is amazing. X x

You need to forget about your own 'woe is me' feelings, and make sure that poorlittle girl never has an inkling how you feel. You must summon the energy to do that whatever it takes.

@AwfulMum22 know this is a year old + post but please tell me things got easier? I’m in the exact same boat as you I could’ve written your post myself did things get better ? Tia x

I just found this thread, after going through the exact same thing currently, and feeling lost on what to do next..can I ask how things are now? Everything you said I unfortunately understand the feeling x

Those people telling OP she needs to sort this out, she IS trying to sort it out, that's why she's posting!!
OP, I feel for you and my feeling whilst reading your posts is that this is possibly trauma-based. Either something stemming from the abusive relationship with her father or the PND following the birth maybe. Do you have trauma in your childhood? I wondered if DD might remind you of yourself at a similar age? I have struggled the most with the one of my children who is basically a clone of myself and so when she goes through something or does something it triggers the traumatic memory of something that happened to me at a similar age.
If this is the case, I wonder if seeking out a therapist who specialises in trauma could be a help.

In the meantime, all i can advise is fake it, fake it, fake it. Even if you're not feeling it in your heart, shower DD with affection & loving words rather than focusing too much on the feeling behind it.