To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

My family live a plane ride away so yes, we go together, usually make a holiday out of it. When my Dad was critically ill last year I kept my mum company during hospital visits while my DH made himself useful at home. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, walking the dog etc. basically anything to stop my mum reverting to host when she got home from the hospital. I haven't visited them alone in 6 years.

DH's dad and stepmother live a couple of hours away, if he's in the area for work, he'll stop by for half an hour to say hi alone. If he's going specifically to visit, I'm always invited. I enjoy their company as much as DH's company. When they ask it's always "if you and Chilli are free". There's an overnight event he does with his dad once a year and his step mum always invites me to stay over. I bring a book, she does it for whatever she likes and then we have a nice evening with wine and films.

I'd always be fine with him going to events if I'm ill. The issue OP has is with the people who should be going who decide not to because their partner can't. Would he? Depends on who's there. Small close family dinner, he'd go, big extended family party, he'd cancel as he wouldn't want to be there in the first place. I make the extended family more tolerable.

I wouldn't be bothered if his sibling wanted to meet him alone to discuss their father being ill but I can't see that happening. Supporting serious illness usually involves time and money so they'd want me and his sisters husband there for the discussion. If nothing else, to reassure them that yes, we really would be ok spending X amount for a better care home or extra visits from a carer.

Sigh. The book club woman I mentioned did not have any such problems that I know about and had no problems getting to the loo. If she did, I would expect her to say so and not expect me to read her mind. A woman's book club does not need to accommodate men.

I am sorry if this makes for unpleasant reading, but the level of anxiety I see on MN is not normal and not something to be celebrated. What happens if your DP dies or leaves you?

DH and I do a lot together - we'd both rather do the boring stuff, food shopping or tip runs or whatever, together. We often keep the other company while they're in the bath. DH will sometimes come on long work trips with me cos he can work anywhere. We like spending time together!

But we happily do stuff alone, too - he probably visits my mum with me one in 10 times I go, we see friends seperately about half the time. I was at a party at the weekend with friends he doesn't know well, and didn't take him cos he'd have been bored, and the host was gobsmacked that I'd gone somewhere without him because she takes her husband to every social event she's invited to, so I get what OP means, there's a level.

This is how we run. I’m an only and my Mum is a widow so we do end up spending some one on one time together - we occasionally will go away on holiday or for a weekend away - but mostly we visit with DH. She loves him, and that was always the set up with my parents and their families. My DH is completely involved in decisions around my Mum that are made or may need to be made.

My DH is from a big sibling group and they always, always visit with their partners and we make decisions on things re. PIL as a whole group. They’ve never done that without spouses, and I’d find it sad if they did. I remember once a few years into our relationship I suggested to DH that he visit his mother without me and he found the suggestion strange. He’s only ever done it when he’s been in the area for work or something like that.

This may partly be because we all live quite far away from our parents, maybe if we all lived on top of each other we’d pop in more alone? We don’t see each other much as a family so certainly aren’t “tight knit” in a traditional sense, but we are all pretty close.

And that's what happens if you dare to raise the possibility of someone needing support. Shot down with sarcasm. Standard. Excellent work.

Yes because having physical mobility problems or needing a translator could be the only possible options here
Let me introduce "etc" to you. It means it's pointless listing everything i can think of because there will be something else. But he could have got her there, helped her to her chair and left.

Presuming, again? Conjecture on an internet forum, who'd have imagined it eh. Kind of how these things work largely

Manage what alone? Sitting in a room of women talking about a book?

Manage being there? Manage being out of the house? Manage getting into the venue? Manage staying in the venue?

Even if she needed a lift to get there, he didn't have to hang around.

Maybe she needed more. Just maybe.

I mentioned upthread that I would often have DH with me to do school runs, because I couldn't always manage alone. I am autistic and sometimes I just need him around. Not even necessarily him, just someone, but you know they are his kids too so it made sense for him to come if needed. The way people in this thread would judge me as in the OP is just telling of how backwards thinking people really are. It's not even rare, I see comments negatively judging people for doing normal every day things in a different way to others multiple times a day on here. I wonder what people get out of it. Are the poster so quick to join OP getting something out of this? If you all are I would like to know what it is and why other people have such an influence.

Presumably PP would have said if the lady wasn't able to communicate and needed DH to help translate, or couldn't get to the loo herself so needed DH to take her etc

Yes because having physical mobility problems or needing a translator could be the only possible options here

Presumably he just objected to sitting in the car and she needed the lift.

Presuming, again?

Whether OP helped anyone or just isolated her further, no one knows.

Which is why I asked did nobody had thought he was there because she needed some support. I'm not trying to argue she was, just disappointed as per to see the judgement ramp up with no consideration for others circumstances.

Even if you don't think its odd, you know its a symptom of your anxiety so by default it isn't healthy

Presumably PP would have said if the lady wasn't able to communicate and needed DH to help translate, or couldn't get to the loo herself so needed DH to take her etc

Presumably he just objected to sitting in the car and she needed the lift.

Whether OP helped anyone or just isolated her further, no one knows.

His family, I meant, or your in-laws!

So, those posters who spend all their time together, do you ever visit your own families alone? (Yeah, yeah, I know that you are the family and that his in-laws should butt out and emigrate to Mars.) Let’s say your dm is ill, do you both go? If his siblings, are meeting to discuss what to do about fil with dementia, do you go too, in spite of the other in-laws not going? If it’s mil’s 70th birthday party and you’ve got toothache (ie nothing contagious) do you expect your dh to not go as you can’t be there? Straight answers please!

Manage what alone? Sitting in a room of women talking about a book?

Even if she needed a lift to get there, he didn't have to hang around.

Nobody thought, even after the event, that he may have been there because she wasn't able to manage alone?

I love my DH but alone time and friend time is important for us

I also know couples in happy relationships that spend every day together

I have had friends isolate themselves because they stopped seeing their friends because they wanted to spend all their time with their partner and stopped seeing anyone else

I guess whatever makes people happy is up to them

Personally I cannot wait for DH to go out sometimes just so I can have a quiet night to myself, run a bath and relax 😂

Good for you! You stopped everyone from suffering. Some people are just morons.

I used to run a women's book club and one woman turned up every time with her grumpy and bored husband. Eventually I told her he wasn't welcome and she just stopped coming.

I guess they just loved each other's company though.

OMG! Bringing your husband to a girls’ night out? Was she being controlled? Very few men would go. He sounds an utter dick. I sincerely hope she wasn’t being abused/controlled.

Some people actually like each other funnily enough 😂 obviously if it's impractical then I can understand. But we love family time and just look after ourselves really.

Yes very true.Being serious I do rely on my DW alot because she has her shit together whereas I have anxiety aswell as social anxiety. I'm ok occasionally out on my own but much prefer to do most stuff together.

The OPs post ended with this question: I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Who says there has to be a reason and who decides if it's "valid"? If my DH can't join a family meal and I decide I'm not going for that reason, it's because I'd rather spend time with him. It's no more complicated than that. People don't owe you their time.

Bloody hell.. just awful. But these kind of things creep up slowly... starts off with a DH expressing 'an opinion' on how 'family time' should be spent and before you know it...

And yes having no friends and interests outside of a DP is not healthy at all. When DC are small it's understandable as time is limited and all hands to desk but divorce rates in the 50s age group are high and there's a reason. Not in anyway being negative or jealous but facts. Anyone can look them up.
One of the reasons I am divorced (by choice) is that my ex hated me spending time elsewhere and subtly engineered it so I had to be around for 'family time' yet worked all hours (so was never there anyway when I needed). I'm glad people are in happy loving relationships but urge everyone to 'not put your eggs in one basket'.

It’s weird that people are noticing that couples are ‘always’ together. How often do others see these couples?
Why are people so busy worrying about what other families are doing together and why are people so fast so say codependency? Just from seeing a couple together, maybe you’ve just not seen them doing their separate activities, presuming that you’re not actually watching them 24/7.

And maybe you’re not understanding (like the original post says) because when people are explaining why or giving reasons, you accuse them of being in a codependent relationship, people are being rude by saying bitter and whatever else BUT if you say AIBU for not understanding something and then people come with some explanations, maybe listen and you might understand?
Not everything is so black & white, maybe that annoying couple you see at school meetings, have issues like one might have PTSD or anxiety and can’t be alone, maybe one is in a caring role for the other for a health issue, who knows but most importantly…. What does it matter to anyone else?

And if anyone suspects any form of abuse, especially when children are involved- why not report it? Codependency is often a sign of emotional abuse.

I don't see anything 'sour' in someone wondering why some couples are joined at the hip to the point that they don't even seem to notice that sometimes they're inconveniencing other people.

It generally is annoying if one of your friends brings her partner along to everything, even when they're not invited and will change the dynamic.

It was seriously irritating during Covid when some couples refused to shop separately for no particular reason, meaning more time queueing for everyone else.

It can be very intrusive when a partner is brought along to a family meeting to discuss something sensitive or emotive.

It can be insulting if your sibling won't go to your engagement party, because they won't leave their partner to babysit alone.

The above examples come with the usual qualifiers of no special needs, disabilities etc being involved.

I don't get this tbh, if we are invited as a couple a d one of us can't go, neither of us will. But if we are invited on our own, the other one of us won't gate crash. If our kids are ill, we both stay home in case she.thing goes wrong because if one of us had to go to hospital with one child, who would look after the others?
It sounds like you are happy to be single but each family is entitled to decide how to live their life, however annoying it might seem.