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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 13/08/2022 17:51

I dunno, because I adore my DH and I love being with him 🤷‍♀️

TreacheryPepper · 13/08/2022 17:51

Whilst I do do some things without DH, I prefer it when we're together. I quite like him. He's my best friend as well as my lover.

ilovesooty · 13/08/2022 17:51

I have a friend who used to refer to "going to the dentist as a family" as though this was quality family time 😁

Echobelly · 13/08/2022 17:51

DH and I are pretty independent, but I've never cared if other people like to do everything together.

Re: school information nights and stuff like that - I think it's good for both parents to go. Rather than one parent (usually mum, let's face it) having to feed back to another and being more likely to end up sole parent responsible for school stuff they both get the full picture; it's a sensible thing to do if you are able.

tinplantpot · 13/08/2022 17:51

I see my friends during the week or at weekends when he is away for months at a time @Stripedbag101 But when he's home I don't see friends on the weekend.

middleager · 13/08/2022 17:51

MiL and FIL are like this. She doesn't drive either, so they go everywhere together. Even the dentist and GP.
They say: "We like" rather than "I like" or "we think" etc. Very odd.

dmask · 13/08/2022 17:51

I think you’re confusing a lot of things there. Yes it’s unreasonable to take your whole family to a party if only one child is invited. That’s not the same as two parents working full time and wanting to spend weekends together to have family time as they don’t get much of it in the week.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:50

Why would one parent go for dinner and leave the other at home with the kids?

Lots of reasons. If a child is sick, if the meal is at bedtime etc etc. so because the parents decide the children can't go, both of them miss out on the meal too, instead of just one of them.

OP posts:
corblimeym8 · 13/08/2022 17:49

Kids parties are really dull on your own, especially when conversation runs dry with the other parents. Those parties in Reception were loooong. And very, very regular.

Exactly. Always honour 1 adult only is on the invite. Otherwise, I will attend along with DP and baby. Other families do the same, and yes, we all socialise and make a 'day out' for the babies, sorry🥲.

I can only imagine some people bitterly dislike they're partner or are unhappily single to bothered about some of these things (when the actual participants are fine with it themselves). Going to the supermarket with a partner is pathetic? I've never even heard of that.

HikingforScenery · 13/08/2022 17:48

DH and I hardly do things together when it comes to school, apart from parents’ evenings because we’ve to balance childcare. I think it’s nice when families do things together.
Perhaps, you’re finding it unusual because you’re a single parent?
The parent info example , I’m glad both parents went. Makes a good chance from it being all mums.

AlwaysLatte · 13/08/2022 17:48

We never both took them to parties though unless we were invited. We and our friends tended to invite the parents for a glass of wine though, but that's different of course.

LondonWolf · 13/08/2022 17:47

Jealousy?! Honestly I mostly pity and roll my eyes at the co-dependent couples around me. It blows my mind the crap that some of my friends and family put with from their significant others because they can't deal with being alone. Every couple I know has issues within their relationship I couldn't stand to have to deal with. I've done my time in the LTR lifestyle thanks.

luxxlisbon · 13/08/2022 17:46

Some very bizarre comments on this thread. We chose to spend a lot of time together, including going to the supermarket together, nursery pick up if we are both free, even kids parties. We got married because we actually like each other and enjoy spending time together.
No insecurity in myself, partner or relationship and certainly not wanting to keep an eye on him.

doyourememberwhen · 13/08/2022 17:46

I had a friend like this, they did everything together at the weekend which would involve the exact scenario you described - all four of them turning up at a birthday party for a three year old then sitting there looking bored.

As far as I'm concerned sitting through someone else's child's 3rd birthday party was a chore, so why on earth would both parents put themselves through it. It's not quality family time it's just strange.

Ditto things like B and Q "we do everything as a family". But why? Why doesn't one of you hop in the car and go get hardware instead of dragging the kids out etc etc. I'd feel suffocated if I lived my life like that.

My friend used to think it was incredibly weird that I would do things like socialise without my DH or go to the gym at the weekend. Her DH actually buggered off and left her for another woman when the kids were about 5 and 7 which was really fucking sad and awful so I'm not convinced these limpet couples are all coming from a sound relationship base.

AlwaysLatte · 13/08/2022 17:43

Personally I only have an issue with the ones who have a shared email address.
Now that is odd!

LondonWolf · 13/08/2022 17:43

when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself

I'm a single parent too and get this a lot. I have two children and was a lone parent with no support from when they were 2 & 5. It was fine, great at times actually. Honestly I find people who can't manage their children alone a bit pathetic tbh.

LouisRenault · 13/08/2022 17:43

round here it's common for both parents to go to birthday parties

So if ten children are invited, potentially twenty adults turn up? What a nightmare for the host, and overwhelming for the children. And what if it's a whole class party? Sixty adults filling the party space, none of them invited by the party child.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:42

Notjustanymum · 13/08/2022 17:35

I’m part of a couple that generally does things together, but that doesn’t mean always… E.g. DH (retired) meets up with old workmates several times a year while I’m at work, and I go out with workmates and friends without him. If we’re visiting families (both mine and his) we tend to go together because we get on with all family members and enjoy their company.
I wonder why this irritates the OP? Is there possibly a hint of jealousy there?

Ah a jealousy comment, bingo! I didn't spend all this time getting rid of my ex and working my arse off to support my kids to feel jealous of people who can't do anything by themselves. Single mums aren't all jealous of couples or uncomfortable around them. Weird I know.

OP posts:
applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 17:42

Personally I only have an issue with the ones who have a shared email address.

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2022 17:42

InFiveMins · 13/08/2022 17:37

It's ridiculous.

Shows they are insecure either in themselves, in their partner, or both. Like they want to keep an eye on the other at all times, or don't like to make decisions by themselves, or want to drag the other out for the sake of it.

Or perhaps it is a fear of missing out. All equally rather pathetic reasons.

There is absolutely no reason at all for both people to go to everything.

Bloody hell, this is so unnecessarily judgmental.

I think it says more about the people that find the simple act of doing things together a sign of insecurity (huge leap) or patheticness than the other way around. HAVING to do things together, maybe. But just tending to? Totally unnecessary to judge this way.

AlwaysLatte · 13/08/2022 17:41

it is probably noticeable to have two parents whose work schedule allows them both to be free mid afternoon. I have done the school pick up for my sister a few times and the only couples I see are retired grandparents. Over the years I have never seen a working age couple together at pick up
We had retired so could be there, which is similar to the grandparent reason, I guess. A couple of friends of ours having their own businesses would often go together too.
Now that school is a 30 min drive away we do tend to take it in turns.

Stripedbag101 · 13/08/2022 17:41

tinplantpot · 13/08/2022 17:36

I don't make plans with friends at the weekend because it's my time with my partner.

I don't see him all week and sometimes for months.

Why do you care?

Obviously you are completely free to spend your time as you want.

but how do you maintain friendships?

I ontl see my fronds at weekends - not every weekend of course. But weekdays are too busy - we all have careers, work very long hours, some have kids etc. so the weekend really is the only time free to catch up. Partners don’t tend to join. I have about four separate friendship groups who meet up at various towns - it is always weekends.

if a friend said she was only seeing her partner at weekends then that friendship would be over.

chilliesandspices · 13/08/2022 17:41

We enjoy each other's company and find things more enjoyable or less arduous together.

corblimeym8 · 13/08/2022 17:39

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/08/2022 16:54

Totally agree with you OP. Some people are co-dependent and then use excuses like "we like each other" to cover up their weaknesses whilst managing to insult everyone else at the same time. Dreadful people.

WTF😭😭
'Dreadful people for spending time together'
And feeling insulted by happy couples
Oh dear

SpaghettiNoodle · 13/08/2022 17:38

I don’t have kids, but why would I want to go to the supermarket alone?! We’re shopping for both of us, why wouldn’t we both be there. I don’t want to have to carry all the bags etc myself either, it’s an easier task with both of us.

I CAN go on my own if required, but why would I?!

I do agree that turning up for a meal with friends is a bit odd though.