To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

I rarely do anything with him!

when the kids were young I took them to birthday parties, they were boring enough without both of us having to endure a shitload of screaming kids.

parents evening, i went. He was working but again, that was repetitive. Each teacher saying the same thing. I quit that a long time ago.

the only thing we did was Saturday morning football. With all 3.

Both parents doing the school run together is weird.

I get what you mean, spending time together is fine but don't have to do everything together.
My in-laws do everything together. My MIL works full time but in 3 long shifts so when she has a day off and her husband has a job to do she will go with him. He works for himself so she can tag along but it seems so odd. She then says she is so busy and tired etc but she could be doing something for herself. She has even chosen to go with him to a job over having the grandchildren before as she would have taken them along as well but we didn't think a long drive somewhere and back would be any fun or appropriate for them.
My FIL once thought it was strange I was going to a DIY shop on my own to get paint without my husband and offered to come but I said I would be fine. He said his wife would never do that. Bizarre!!

The school pick up one is annoying. Back when we had Covid rules school asked for only one parent to collect or drop off, but there were always some incapable of doing that.

I just find it a bit sad when people aren’t able to function doing everyday things by themselves.

School pick ups, attendance at birthday parties, parents' evenings, shopping - are all chores. No earthly reason anyone would actively enjoy any of them so best attended by one so the other can get on with something else or look after the kids - thereby freeing up some time to spend quality time with your partner.

@cadburyegg this comment:

People refusing to see their friends at weekends mean friendships often die out.

I only see my partner at weekends. And even then it's not every weekend. Why do you not understand that for some people it's the only chance they get to spend time as a couple together?

But over the years I've actually discovered that with a lot of couples who do everything together it's a lot about control. Why do you need to shop together? Occasionally or on the way back from somewhere yes..but once a week? Who is controlling the finances? How exciting is a trip to tescos/sainsbo?!?

Why does everything have to be exciting? If DP and I are both free we both go to the supermarket because it makes the packing marginally easier, and then we can decide what to eat together rather than one person having to do all the thinking. If you're both available, why not?

Each to her/his own, but I do find it a bit odd. My folks did absolutely everything together, including all shopping, after my DF retired, and IMO that made it so much harder for my DM after DF died at only 72.

Dh and I have had a long and happy marriage (48 years so far!) but have never been joined at the hip. He recently did a month long trip on his own - basically to see very old friends in Oz, but with sundry other stops. Fine with me - I can’t face very long haul flights any more, even if we lash out with business class, like a former together-trip to Oz.

We occasionally go out with our friends separately, wouldn't dream of turning up uninvited, but we enjoy each others company, and do most things together. Why wouldn't we ? During the week, couples are often busy, and don't have much time together, so yes, it's family time.

My exMIL and her third husband went everywhere together because they had both had multiple affairs in their previous marriages and neither trusted the other. They only had one car. He dropped her off at work and then went to work. Neither went a anywhere or did anything without the other.Even getting a pint of milk from tesco involved both of them

I’d say mind your own business to be honest.
The fact that you felt it necessary to come into an Internet forum and complain at how other people live their lives is a bit ridiculous 😂
Id be embarrassed and asking the mods to take it down.
Live your life the way you choose and stop worrying about how other people choose to live theirs.
It is literally None.Of.Your.Business

I personally love doing stuff without DH, but I know plenty of couples who don’t, and that’s what makes them happy

It would not suit me and DH at all but if that's how they roll, fine.

This thread has been an eye opener - I’m with the OP and for mundane things listed, we deployed a ‘divide and conquer’ strategy from very early on - even now the DC are older we wouldn’t go to Tesco together unless it was for The Big Christmas Shop and I needed a physical hand.

I’ve always felt like the OP and my DM was the same with DF so I thought it was the norm. There was a couple at my DC school that would always pick up together but I assumed they didn’t work and had nothing better to do - it’s not exactly a joy-filled activity (not at our primary school anyway!).

yes i had to tell my parents off for that, never knew who i was chatting to. they have their own now (they are 75)

Shared facebook accounts does scream to me SOMEONE CHEATED HERE.

I think whole family turning up at a kids birthday is a bit ridiculous and unnecessary fails to appreciate that it’s the day of the birthday child really.

I know of a family where the parents and grandparents would go to everything. So 4 x adults at parents evening parties etc.

I think it’s a bit creepy when the other partner tags along where they are clearly not wanted - for example a man coming to a female friends get together or vice versa. I mean, their own partner might love their company but in all likelihood no one else does and they are just being polite!

The 2 couples I know like this I would say the men are co-dependant.

One of them always hated being left alone with his own children.
The both worked in the same shop. During the holidays if he was the one at home he would go for the shop and hang around until she finished with the kids.
He spoiled a few days out I had with friend as he had a tantrum about being left for the day so they were called off. He would also come along to soft play, parties etc and then look annoyed at being there.

My MIL hated being left. Even when she was much younger she would ring DH to complain FIL had gone out for a few hours. Then ask why he couldn’t come home and go to the shop for her etc.

@Womblingforfree totally agree!

It also baffles me, I have a friend who sort of makes out that she's being controlled. But actually she doesn't want to work so she does this weird roll over I'm a helpless puppy thing and it drives me mad . I've spent time with both of them and it's not him. It's just a bizarre co dependant weird situation.

I have many married friends who do all sorts of things alone and together, they have good healthy relationships .

I guess it's horses for courses? Some people like being co dependent and some don't, and some are being controlled and abused and don't know or are you scared to do anything.

Reading your thread title I was ready to say YANBU. I know what you mean, there are some couples who are weirdly joined at the hip and a little too co-dependent.

But pretty much everything you described are just things people like to do together. The whole point of being with someone you love is enjoying each other’s company - including the seemingly little things.

But over the years I've actually discovered that with a lot of couples who do everything together it's a lot about control. Why do you need to shop together? Occasionally or on the way back from somewhere yes..but once a week? Who is controlling the finances? How exciting is a trip to tescos/sainsbo?!?

I do see what you’re saying, but DH and I usually food shop together once a week. We don’t share money, I pay for food and he pays other bills. I’m quite particular about eating well and he isn’t, so I do the meal planning and cooking, therefore I like to do the weekly shop. He WFH and makes his own breakfast and lunch so he likes to come and put what he wants in the trolley.

During lockdown, I managed shopping alone just fine (he gave me a list) but I’d really rather he was there to deal with his own needs. If he’s busy when I’m food shopping, he goes alone at a different time, but then that’s a waste of petrol.

We both manage to go out with our own friends quite regularly without the other one there, but we do actually like to spend much of our free time with one another. That’s kind of why I married him.

The supermarket thing annoys me as often the family take up loads of room & kids look really bored. Surely one parent could take them to the park instead? Obviously a single parent can't do that.

I think children should learn to partake in normal activities that don't excite them, rather than going from being airlifted from park to park, to adulthood.

🤣🤣🤣

“Ah a jealousy comment, bingo! I didn't spend all this time getting rid of my ex and working my arse off to support my kids to feel jealous of people who can't do anything by themselves. Single mums aren't all jealous of couples or uncomfortable around them. Weird I know.“
So I ask again: why do you find that couples always seemingly doing stuff together irritating? I mean, you can’t really know whether their relationship is co-dependent or not. I’ve worked abroad a lot over the past 15 years, so we’ve spent quite a lot of time apart. We’ve also known people who have lost their partners young, and have regretted that they hadn’t spent more time together and now weren’t able to.
I don’t pity single parents or judge them otherwise, they mostly appear to be doing a great job bringing their children up, so I’m really not comprehending why you feel so strongly irritated by people getting along with each other?

Each to their own tbh. Before my DH got sick we always did things on our own and we both go out separately with friends etc. Parents evenings and other kids stuff we did in the main together however he did rugby on a sunday as he was a coach and i took the others swimming. My DH has been ill for a few years so having maintained my own friendship group has been good for me.

My mum on the other hand became a widow at 50, her and my step dad did absolutely everything together, she didnt have friends that she saw. When he died she didnt know what to do with herself, She struggled for about ten years and only then did she start doing things with one of my step aunties. She is very reliant on family to help her with things and keep her company.