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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
DancingBeanstalk · 13/08/2022 19:12

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:08

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

I think that if I'd ever had a connection with someone so deep that I couldn't pick my own child up from school alone, or take him to a birthday party alone, or sacrifice 2 hours with them to catch up with a friend, or look after my own children by myself, then I'd feel pretty stifled tbh.

It's not about choosing to do it with someone but being capable of doing it by yourself - it's about being incapable of doing ANYTHING by yourself.

You’re not understanding (perhaps deliberately?), but that’s okay.

It’s not about not being able to but about not wanting to.

Of course I could do the weekly shop on my own, but I don’t want to. I could do X, Y or Z but I don’t want to.

Like I said, you haven’t had that connection, so of course you don’t get it.

DoubleShotEspresso · 13/08/2022 19:11

It's all down to personal choice surely?
Though the things you've listed wouldn't even occur to me as being anything other than their own business.
Different strokes for different folks I guess.

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:10

ApplesandBunions · 13/08/2022 19:07

I thought the point about nights out was people turning up uninvited?

Yep

I don't take my boyfriend along when it's just the core friends
I do when a few more are coming with partners or it's a party.

It's usually clear if it's just the friends or more of a group outing.

tinplantpot · 13/08/2022 19:10

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:07

So it's nasty to suggest it's jealousy

But fine to suggest couples who hang together are

Controlled
Suffering domestic violence
Cringy
Lack independence
Are lower class

This.

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:09

@cadburyegg

But do you know any couples who do this? Or are you just cherry picking activities and joining them all together? I know a LOT of couples and not one fits that description whereby one of them can’t do anything by themselves.

BoredOnSaturday · 13/08/2022 19:08

StAgur · 13/08/2022 18:56

I know what you mean OP.

I realise that this may be controversial, but my experience is that the partners who don't or can't do things apart are usually from low socio-economic/educational backgrounds.

What baffled me was all of the women who were accompanied to their ante-natal appointments, not just the scans, which are obviously special, but all of them. Don't these people have jobs to go to? Don't t they have the confidence or self esteem or intellectual curiosity to do anything different from their partners?

Surely, time apart means there is more to talk about, rather than morphing into each other and just becoming one boring entity. As long as they are happy bores though, as previous posters have said, it's really nobody else's business.They are just not people you would want to 'hang out' with, but then they probably don't want to hang out with anyone else, anyway.

What happens if one of them dies or cheats or leaves? What resources do they have to cope?

Ha! I felt simultaneously and bewildered there. How on earth is it possible to go from shared ante-natal appointments to this 😂, I can only conclude that it's a wind-up! My dh went to all the appointments he could. We are good thanks! Happy bores.... Nice one!

Wetblanket78 · 13/08/2022 19:08

But if only the dad drive's most men hate shopping so obviously don't want to wait in the car. Or the kids might want to pick some clothes out. Whatever scenario it's nobody else's buisness.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:08

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

I think that if I'd ever had a connection with someone so deep that I couldn't pick my own child up from school alone, or take him to a birthday party alone, or sacrifice 2 hours with them to catch up with a friend, or look after my own children by myself, then I'd feel pretty stifled tbh.

It's not about choosing to do it with someone but being capable of doing it by yourself - it's about being incapable of doing ANYTHING by yourself.

OP posts:
ApplesandBunions · 13/08/2022 19:07

I thought the point about nights out was people turning up uninvited?

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 19:07

So it's nasty to suggest it's jealousy

But fine to suggest couples who hang together are

Controlled
Suffering domestic violence
Cringy
Lack independence
Are lower class

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:07

It seems trendy to hate school runs, parties, supermarket trips, everything is such a chore

Haha this. The same people who go on about hating parenting. Obviously way too cool to be doing any of that. Some of us bores enjoy surprising our kids at the gate and making daily drudgery a bit less draining.

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:07

@BeanieTeen

haha yes exactly GIRLS night out. Lesbians more than welcome…… 😂 Perhaps we need to be more specific.

Its rather fucking annoying when you’re on a girls night out and someone brings someone along with a penis. Right, hope that’s cleared that up.

Stripedbag101 · 13/08/2022 19:05

I suppose the key point is are these people who have to always be together happy.

I can’t imagine it and it would work for a lot of couples I know.

for example so you decide not to be on a board of governors or a charity because you can’t take your husband? Do you decide not to go to a conference or a work dinner because your wife isn’t invited? Do you lose touch with friends because you refuse to see them without the other half.

like some on mumsnet do you throw an almighty strip because only on member of the couple has been invited to the wedding of a work colleague?

BeanieTeen · 13/08/2022 19:05

But if it's a girls' night out lesbian partners are allowed. How is that OK, but not male partners?

Surely you’ve answered your own question there @Gwenhwyfar ? I think the big clue is in the phrase ‘girl’s night out’…

Cinderella1 · 13/08/2022 19:04

Katesboy8 · 13/08/2022 18:57

I think you’re jealous because you’re single

Show quote history

What a nasty comment. Yes, actually it is annoying to both of us when we have made arrangements and gone separately to our kids parents evening of a 13, 14, etc years old and others bring their little ones who cry, fuss, make lots of noise (usually past their tea/bed time). Luckily, we both trust each others abilities to hear, comprehend and relay the relevant information 🤨

godmum56 · 13/08/2022 19:04

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:00

I'm guessing you're part of a couple that does everything together then Grin

It DOES impact other people actually, like the couple who brought along their 3 children to the reception info evening, all 3 were making noise throughout making it difficult for other parents to hear. But neither parent would take them out because of course both of them absolutely had to hear everything that was being said, it was totally impossible for just one of them to be there and take notes or pass on info to the other parent. That's what I did and I'm not even in a relationship with my children's dad anymore.

Show quote history

but that's not about a couple who like to do things together, that's a couple with poor parenting skills. late DH and I used to enjoy spending time together (not everything but quite a lot) we did it because it made both of us happy

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 19:03

I think you’re jealous because you’re single

I think this is a good example of how the "you're jealous" comment is used to try to shut a conversation down that you're not comfortable with.

OP posts:
Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 19:03

Here’s the thing, you can judge all you like but you’ll simply have NO idea if the couple have a codependent relationship or they just generally like spending time together doing things because they love each other. Either or it’s not something to really get too worked up about.

Balance is key for me I do have a couple of friends who bring their men out on nights out now that really fucking riles me as I came out for a girls night …. Yes I know I’m on the wrong size of 30 but still 🤦‍♀️ I still call it a girls night.

converseandjeans · 13/08/2022 19:02

@PollyRockets

I see plenty of women hanging out in the mens undies

Possibly but in general women don't have fantasies about men's boxers or pants. Men seem to like looking at women's pants 😉

I haven't personally seen women hanging about. I think generally men just grab a pair quickly.

I just don't really like it myself & wish they would go wait on a sofa somewhere.

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 19:02

RisingSunn · 13/08/2022 18:57

Totally agree OP. I remember years ago wondering why it took 2 parents to do a nursery drop off.

It doesn't 'take two' but DD loves it and we enjoy picking her up so what's the problem? Why is it so hard for people to understand that some people actually LIKE picking their child up or taking them to nursery/school and it's some time to spend together on days when you don't see each other much? It seems trendy to hate school runs, parties, supermarket trips, everything is such a chore (and for all the 'one of us does it' claims, we all know that in the vast majority of cases it means the woman does it. Oh I know posters will say 'No my husband does an equal share!' and in some cases that's true but we know full well that's not often the case.) But some of us enjoy that stuff and don't think it's a chore or an unpleasant thing to be endured 🤷‍♀️

Luckily plenty of other parents do double pick-ups and drop-offs at our nursery so we aren't the weird ones Wink

rarge · 13/08/2022 19:02

DustinsHat · 13/08/2022 19:00

@StAgur I always wondered about the people who's husbands or partners accompanied them to every ante natal appointment too. Honestly it seems like a major red flag to me. Why would you insist on going to someone else's medical appointments Confused obviously not counting circumstances where one person has a disability and it's easier if both go.

Honestly, this one I can understand. But mostly because the vibe was always off. The couple wouldn't be chatting happily, he'd be escorting the woman.

LeFeu · 13/08/2022 19:02

It’s fucking annoying. I’m part of a group of friends who have known each other 20 years, and for the last 8 or so it’s the group of women…and one husband. They work at home together all day, they do the same hobby activities, they have no separate interests or social activities. It sucks because it changes the dynamic and I can’t relax when he’s there. It’s fine to enjoy doing stuff together - obviously I like hanging out with my husband! - but it’s healthy to nurture relationships that function outside your marriage.

DustinsHat · 13/08/2022 19:00

@StAgur I always wondered about the people who's husbands or partners accompanied them to every ante natal appointment too. Honestly it seems like a major red flag to me. Why would you insist on going to someone else's medical appointments Confused obviously not counting circumstances where one person has a disability and it's easier if both go.

Cocoatheclown · 13/08/2022 19:00

How people operate in a couple is, of course, their choice.

I am in contact with older people much later in life and often those that lived their lives as "two peas in a pod" found it very difficult to cope with divorce or the death of the partner.

Those that had some interests/hobbies/friends separate to the relationship fared much better in terms of mental health.

DancingBeanstalk · 13/08/2022 19:00

DH and I do everything together because we love spending time with each other.

We’re a couple, a team, we chose to spend our lives together and we want to experience life together.

I think if you’d ever had that connection with someone you would understand.

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