To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

I would lose my shit if DH wanted to do everything with me. I would feel smothered. I know a couple like this, they literally cannot fart without the other present. Shop together, collect their kids from school together, he goes out with her friends, she goes out with his, doc apps together inc her fucking smear test because she kicked up a fuss because her vagina would not relax without him there), go pick up the takeaway together, they even put out the godforsaken bins together.

Sad Siamese Gimps.

Dh and I do a lot together. Our eldest child has adhd and needs constant supervision when we're out. So we have to take a child each and our youngest is only one.

Why so defensive?

I love DH and have been married to him for 41 years. We do a lot together, but we don't do everything together. We would hate that. I don't want him at my pilates class or joining my friends at book club, and I have no interest in joining him in his regular weekly drink with a pal or watching rugby on TV.

I'm with @cadburyegg on this. I think for a long lasting relationship some time apart pursuing different interests is healthy.

I would feel stifled if I did everything with DH.

Didn't read all the posts so commented on the last one. Completely agree that these comments are equally nasty. Just seems that a lot of people only see things in black and white

Not true in my case. I've known some of my female friends' partners for 20 years. I'd rather those male partners turn up than new lesbian partners because it is somehow a women's night. I don't see why socialising should be segregated by sex.

you worry about strange couples because they have a lifestyle you don't approve of?

Totally agree! Do some things together, but lots apart - we are independent people, not joined at the hip. And it gives us things to talk about when we discuss our separate experiences, holidays etc.
I've never understood the need to go round the supermarket together - it only needs one person, while the other one can be doing something useful or interesting.
More importantly, one of us will die first and it would be truly awful for the survivor not to cope on their own because they were so conditioned into doing everything with their partner.

I wish I liked my DP this much 😂

It wouldn't suit me ... married over 30 years but DH and I rarely do anything together ... separate friends, separate social lives and hobbies, separate holidays and separate bedrooms - but it works for us .

I do think some couples are overly co-dependent and I worry how they will cope when (inevitably) one is left alone. My DPs had pretty independent lives (not as much as mine!) and thankfully now that my mum is on her own after 60 years of marriage she still has loads of friends, interests etc and is not moping around.

The OP could be summed up in one phrase "i have no empathy".

I have read a lot of aggressive nonsense over non-issues, but this is one of the worst.

We are tight family. I never knew of all the things i could be judged on, this would be one. (Other things i considered fair game: my hair, conversation topics, political opinions). But not the fact that I like my family's company. (Also dd is only child, does one person have to stay at home watching Netflix so as not to annoy certain people?).

Anyway, we way worse - we have dog that turns up to most things too!

I agree OP. I find it really bloody strange.

It's clearly some kind of codependency, I would find it absolutely suffocating.

DH and I mostly work from home.

We 75% of the time meet the Dcs at the school gate together. When the Dcs are invited to parties (tbh quite rare because one of ours has serious SEN and essentially no friends that are not online gaming friends) we will go together because it is a joy to enjoy something social with them. And we like chatting to other parents.

I like DH., i like spending time with him. We all like spending time together as a family. Is that wierd? If so then I pity people who think they are way too cool to spend their time out of choice with their partner.

I think the problem with this thread is that you haven't actually presented any of this in the context of not being able to do these things alone. It very much reads like you just view the fact that people do these things together as evidence that they couldn't do it by themselves.

I always wondered about the people who's husbands or partners accompanied them to every ante natal appointment too. Honestly it seems like a major red flag to me. Why would you insist on going to someone else's medical appointments Confused obviously not counting circumstances where one person has a disability and it's easier if both go.

An antenatal appointment isn’t a smear test or a dentist appointment. I know a single mum who took her mum to many of her appointments, would you judge her too? It not your average medical condition - when you hear a heartbeat or they measure your bump, seeing baby’s progress, it’s something people like to share. Some people find pregnancy quite daunting and find having someone with them is calming and comforting. So what?

In my pregnancy notes booklet, where they record details of the appointments, has a column that says ‘accompanied by:’ so going with someone is definitely not out of the norm. So far all the rows in mine have been filled out as ‘alone’ 😄 DH has missed all of mine because of work so far. But yeah, if he had nothing else to do I would have asked him to come along. Why would that be weird?

Interesting assumptions that people 'can't manage' to do certain things without the other partner. Although we both mostly did the school run together at primary we are capable of meeting our friends separately and the last 3 weekends my husband has been away helping both my grown up stepchildren with work on their houses. And the children and I coped. Such an odd thing to get invested in!

@cadburyegg I had a dick of an ex husband.

I was on my own for 20 years bar a few dalliances (Fwb/fuck buddies).

I waited til my kids were adults to get back into dating.

Had a few horrors and then met DP through work (we were at an event).

He asked me out. And all I can say is that we fit. We care companionable. He makes me laugh. The sex is great and he's my best friend.

I actively want to spend time with him. We don't live together and both of us can't wait for that.

Bumbling round the supermarket together is great. Walking the dogs (we have one each).

I didn't get it before I met him. I couldn't understand how you would actively want to be with someone all the time. But I do with him. We have been together 3 years and we have rarely had a cross word. I'm not going to say never because that would be a lie (I flooded his bathroom and shorted all his electrics. He was not very happy with that.)

But honestly. We do what suits us.

Why do other people care?

I think we have the same PIL. Even to the MIL not driving and the saying "we like" etc. I just find it a bit sad as they don't seem to have an identity as two separate people

This.

We often used to go to parties together if we were both free and if we had been together for the day we would both collect the kids from school. We’re both busy and manage to do plenty of things separately but we make the most of the occasions when we are free to spend time together.

Dh would never turn up when I was out with friends though, that’s pretty odd.

I know what you mean OP. Of course there is nothing wrong with spending time together, but it does surprise me how much you see some couples joined at the hip.

I do think it's rude when it means bringing the kids to something not designed for them e.g your example of a presentation where you need to sit quietly and unnecessary kids bring there stopped other people hearing - fair enough if you have no childcare but rude if one of you could stay home with them. Same if it means you taking uninvited siblings to a party. And very rude if gatecrashing a girls night out or one to one catch up. I also feel sorry for siblings sometimes when they are stuck bored at an event or activity when one parent could have done something different with them (I don't mean the big concerts etc that obviously both parents want to attend, but things like regular weekly clubs/ practice sessions being watched by both).

My dh works on Saturdays and usually bank holidays and it does make me a bit sad that some people never want to meet up with kids then as it's family time. What do people find to do together every single weekend all weekend?

I know some couple probably do just like it this way and really love spending every second together, and actually I probably am a bit jealous of them, but in other cases I do wonder if one is a bit controlling / easily jealous.

To me it depends on the degree. I have a cousin who not only works, but does blooming EVERYTHING with her DP. Ever since they got together 5 years ago. Every single time I talk to her, he is by her side!!! I'll say "give him my regards" and she'll laugh and say"oh, he's sitting right next to me". I'll be visiting, she'll make sure they are both off work or have same shifts. She's cooking and he's standing right next to her, just constantly there. Will be watching TV - something that he likes. Will be talking quietly (same room) and he'll get annoyed that she's not paying attention to what's on but she won't come away to chat. I'll suggest we go to a shop, she'll say "oh, he'll love it"?!? And, lo and behold, he does! The only time in the last 5 years I saw her alone was when her dad, my DU passed away and we went home for the funeral together! Her DP couldn't get the time off work just that once. I get doing stuff together but this is just too much!

Most couples need each other to financially facilitate the lifestyles they otherwise wouldn't have.

I think that if I'd ever had a connection with someone so deep that I couldn't pick my own child up from school alone, or take him to a birthday party alone, or sacrifice 2 hours with them to catch up with a friend, or look after my own children by myself, then I'd feel pretty stifled tbh.

It's not about choosing to do it with someone but being capable of doing it by yourself - it's about being incapable of doing ANYTHING by yourself.

That is very few people though. No one I know is like your description. Sounds like you need new friends.

What other people do in their relationship is really nothing to do with anyone else unless someone is in danger.

I couldn’t be less jealous of that type of set up! And feel the same when in relationships. This type of thing is also not a predictor of how ‘close’ or stable a couple are as many later find themselves single..
if you want to spend lots of time as a couple fine. But if you refuse to do anything alone, are unable to travel without partner, unable to go anywhere if your partner is ill or needs to stay home and babysit, inconvenience aleveryone with your noisy children at an adult event because you can’t be parted it’s a problem.

This. Also what @Dalaidramailama said. Nobody does all of these things, maybe a few each.