To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

@DirectionToPerfection

Well yes obviously there is a difference between a loving relationship and a codependent one, however you cannot judge a couple as being codependent simply because they spend a lot of time together doing things. It is a lot more complex than that but there’s a lot of pop psychologists on mumsnet for sure.

It depends entirely on what is actually motivating the couple to spend lots of time together. It will be love or fear and it’s not something that an outsider could really know just by casual observations.

It is certainly not something I could ever get my knickers in a twist over to be honest. I don’t actually care how other couples organise their lives and time.

Shared social media accounts are even weirder. Whenever I see them I always think “which one cheated”

I sort of see what you're trying to say, but not with the majority of the examples you have posted, perhaps those are just bad examples of what you mean?

DH and I are absolutely independent people, but for the vast majority of our waking lives we are working or doing some other sort of mundane household task, so it stands to reason that any time not spent doing these things, we quite like spending time together. It hasn't got anything to do with not being able to function alone, but just that we want to enjoy the kids together and do stuff with each other. I'm not really sure I see why this causes anyone else a huge issue?

Shared email addresses are the naffest thing on the planet.
I had a colleague who wouldn’t do a single thing without her husband. Her friend split up with a boyfriend and wanted a shoulder to cry on. My colleague took her husband along! I got the impression they didn’t have many friends - no surprise there.

I work with some one like this. She has been cos playing 11 since she turned 12. She is effectively a child, he is the parent. She can, but won't, drive, she can't do anything independent, renew the insurance, buy a fridge, get the car MOTd, book a holiday. He's had to give up things he liked to do because they must always do everything together, but he is with an 11 year old and that's what he seems to like. Give it 10, 15 years, we'll read in the local paper about a joint suicide because an adult woman who had chosen to be a child can't be left to live her life. It beyond creepy.

Yes I think about this. It is as though some people think they should try to remain more detached to avoid being too grief-stricken if widowed. But I think if you love someone deeply you are just always going to be hard hit.

"You've got problems buddy"

Thank you, I laughed a lot.

😁

I am perfectly happy doing things on my own, but you know what, shopping as a family is more fun than going solo. Same for nursery drop off. We might sometimes go together and have a quick coffee afterwards or both collect our child and stop in the park on the way home.
It’s simply nice.

She really, really doesn't say that. I have re-read the opening post several times, she does not 'draw the conclusion that one partner is insecure' .

Might you be projecting your own thoughts and feelings here?

Because we agree? You got problems buddy. Our previous posts won't match up because we re different people and it would be extremely bait to reply to yourself on a thread. Maybe you do that, maybe that's why it's your first thought

Or @rarge has this been my master plan all along. I have posted differently for (7years for me under different names) just for this one moment to back up an opinion on a kids party, that no one really cares about, now that's dedication.

I can safely say there is very little in the entire world I can think. I would less like to do than a full supermarket shop with a partner

Thinkbiglittleone

I'm not throwing shade at anyone 🙄

I'm simply giving my opinion on a discussion forum, that's what it's there for!

I've read the OP I don't see any insecurity. I see her struggling to understand the mindset of people like you. I read your defensive posts. I have a sense of where the insecurity is...

😂😂 the OP states people who spend all their time together is because one is insecure. So please re read.

😂😂😂 love these nonsense posts about "defensive" and "insecurity" once there's nothing else to say.

Not really sure why this bothers you so much- maybe just live and let live?

• Birthday parties - I wouldn't bring additional family members without checking first, but particularly if it's at a larger public venue, it can be nice for both parents to meet other parents and socialise.
• I usually do the nursery pickups, but sometimes DH will come along too. Nice to walk and chat and catch up on our days together before getting into the dinner / bedtime routine.
• Shopping - sometimes we pop to the shops on the way back from somewhere. The kids often get really restless and whiney stuck in the car waiting for one of us to go in alone, so it's sometimes easier to go in together.
• info evening- the kids sound disruptive and that's not ok. However, generally we'd both go to this kind of thing if we can as we both like to be involved and know what's going on firsthand - invariably this kind of thing just ends up falling to the woman otherwise.
• we have really limited time together during the week which isn't taken up with tasks, so yes, I am a little reluctant to make weekend plans as I feel like that is time I prioritize for family. Thiugh if it's something I really want to do - fun event, good friend etc. then I'll do it.
• let's not pretend that taking out multiple kids on your own is a walk in the park. I do it frequently, but understand why some might feel reluctant.
• partners gatecrashing meetups is a bit weird

Because we agree? You got problems buddy. Our previous posts won't match up because we re different people and it would be extremely bait to reply to yourself on a thread. Maybe you do that, maybe that's why it's your first thought

I remember my parents being very close too. I always wondered why they never had friends when all my friends' parents did.

When my dad got dementia and had to go into a nursing home, my mother was completely unable to do anything for herself. She never learned to drive, had no clue how to handle finances, couldn't even use chip and pin to pay for something in the shops. Guess who was expected to completely uproot her own life to look after her?

My parents were codependent. It wasn't healthy.

Balance is important in life.

I've read the OP I don't see any insecurity. I see her struggling to understand the mindset of people like you. I read your defensive posts. I have a sense of where the insecurity is...

Who is insecure? How are you drawing this conclusion?

Have you read the opening post where the OP draws that conclusion ?

There is an in between though!
You can spend lots of quality time with your partner and still be perfectly fine to spent an evening with the girls, or go to the supermarket on your own

Of course there, there is a balance, but that's not for anyone else to judge and make assumptions about others for, it's bizarre why you would be so over invested to make these assumptions even it could be a million reasons, why judge.

The idea that living in each others pockets all the time is healthy is frankly bizarre.

But that's for those people to determine, not a stranger.
My Aunt does nothing outside of her kids, grandkids and husband, she is perfectly happy, she doesn't want friends, never has. They have a very loving and happy relationship. It wouldn't be my cup of tea, but I wouldn't throw shade at it because it wouldn't work for me.

Who is insecure? How are you drawing this conclusion?

I enjoy spending time with H

So do I, but I am perfectly capable of doing some things without him, and in some cases prefer to. He doesn't share all of my interests. I am not prepared to stay at home and sulk on the settee next to him because he won't go to a food festival or agricultural show with me. And I have no interest in going to watch a rugby match with him.

Do all these couples who never spend time apart not have separate interests?

Shared email addresses baffles me.

My children will remember their mum and dad being close. The partnership and unity. They'll remember that dad was there at the school gates with mum to tell us both about their exciting day (on dad's/mum's non working days of course). I don't see why one parent needs to be excluded from child events whether something exciting or the mundane daily stuff. Why would my husband have to sit at home waiting because I left to do the school run? Why can't he too welcome our babies out of school?

My DSis and her DH are like some people here. Would never dream of joining the other parent unless it was a specific family event that requires both of them to attend. Ask DSIS what her relationship is like and she says it's great.

From the outside? They're fucking miserable. Constantly nipping at each other. Distant. No PDA. Not knowing stuff about the kids without checking the family calendar or whatever. The kids are like that too. Not close, always fighting. Yet DSIS still maintains that they're happy, just not "co-dependant" like DH and I (DH and I can and do spend time apart but give a choice would always rather be together). I will never feel like I'm co-dependent or weak just because I opt to spend time with my husband rather than alone. What's the point? It's boring otherwise.

There is an in between though!

You can spend lots of quality time with your partner and still be perfectly fine to spent an evening with the girls, or go to the supermarket on your own.

The idea that living in each others pockets all the time is healthy is frankly bizarre.

I enjoy spending time with H. 🤷

Grief after losing your life partner is normal.

Being at a total loss to do anything by yourself because you became codependent is not.

I love my DH very much, we have an amazing relationship, but we are not joined at the hip. I would be devastated if something happened to him, we don't love each other less just because we are capable of doing basic life tasks on our own.