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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 13/08/2022 23:40

I don't think people do that

Apparently one person does, Ex Mil, but no i have never heard of anyone who does either.

I have also never heard or told anyone they are brave for being out with their own 2 kids. If i had booked a family meal, then my child was sick, i wouldn't then want to go and eat out at the resteraunt by myself either.

Quite random examples to be basing the thread on. As a PP said this issue is obviously playing in the OPs mind to have started a thread on it. Im not sure why its anyone elses business how others live their lives, or why someone would even care that much.

Yeezytiger · 13/08/2022 23:35

Friends who discuss my private issues with me in front of their partners as if they are one person, get on my nerves

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 23:29

JasmineVioletRose · 13/08/2022 23:20

Sometimes me & DH pick up our youngest or just walk the dog together. In the middle of the day. That probably gives some misery guts the rage. But I really couldn't give a fuck 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you've misunderstood the thread. It's about the couples who can't do anything apart. They do exist.

Some of OP's examples weren't the best but it's clear what she means. It's literally in the title.

JasmineVioletRose · 13/08/2022 23:20

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:15

It's not people spending time together that I have an issue with - it's people refusing to do things without their partner that baffles me. Of course it makes sense that a couple might go to a supermarket together if they both want different things but I think it's quite sad if you have to wait for your partner to get home if you want to go out for a pint of milk.

I don't think people do that.

Yeezytiger · 13/08/2022 23:20

Husbands hanging around lingerie section whilst their wives shop give me the ick

RampantIvy · 13/08/2022 23:20

And it must be enough of a thought in the OPs mind to start a post about it.

It has crossed my mind as well when I have noticed couples who never have any separate interests or friends. Most people I know who are married or in a long term relationship don't spend every spare minute with their husband/partner because they also have other interests.

It doesn't mean that they don't want to spend time with their partners because it isn't an either/or situation. It is perfectly possible to love your other half and spend time with them and pursue other interests or see friends without them.

JasmineVioletRose · 13/08/2022 23:20

Sometimes me & DH pick up our youngest or just walk the dog together. In the middle of the day. That probably gives some misery guts the rage. But I really couldn't give a fuck 🤷🏻‍♀️

Revolvingwhore · 13/08/2022 23:18

RampantIvy · 13/08/2022 21:51

I enjoy spending time with H

So do I, but I am perfectly capable of doing some things without him, and in some cases prefer to. He doesn't share all of my interests. I am not prepared to stay at home and sulk on the settee next to him because he won't go to a food festival or agricultural show with me. And I have no interest in going to watch a rugby match with him.

Do all these couples who never spend time apart not have separate interests?

Shared email addresses baffles me.

What about shared Facebook accounts?! That is beyond weird and screams insecurity. This must be to do with people worried their partners will get in touch with the kid who fingered them in year nine 30 years ago.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 23:17

Ok, you two can make up whatever stories you like about me. I'm recently married and extremely happy and secure in my relationship, but hey if believing I'm some sort of bitter, jealous creature helps you validate your own views, go for it. 😂

The dig at single mothers was quite something though, I have to say.

Lincslady53 · 13/08/2022 23:15

We have been together for 48 years, married for 45, worked together for 30 years and do most things together. There is no one I would rather spend time than my husband, and wouldn't want it any other way.

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 23:14

And it must be enough of a thought in the OPs mind to start a post about it.

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 23:12

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it) for example I really want a brand new Peugeot car and ever since I decided on my spec I keep seeing the same car everywhere I go…. all of the time. It’s just my brain focussing in that’s all.

I understand this, when were thinking if child No2 all I could see were either pregnant mothers with a child around our sons age or siblings in the park.
Now I don't even notice it, so I think you do notice things more once they become a "thought" in your life.

rarge · 13/08/2022 23:11

@DirectionToPerfection having an opinion on people shopping together etc is weird and overly focussed, but I wasn't talking about you specifically

rarge · 13/08/2022 23:09

If you're a single parent, or your P isn't around, you're probably more aware of families around you. And I guess that's where the annoyance starts. If you're spending time with a P or friend, you're not going to be looking around the room at everyone else.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 23:09

rarge · 13/08/2022 23:06

No, this makes complete sense. I mean, if you're pissed off by strangers living they're life doing everyday activities to the point where you post about it, that is overly focussed.

Normally, you'd be right that 'you're only saying that cos you disagree' but in this case, why do you even have an opinion on the matter? That is the definition of overly focussed. Even the more extreme examples.. it's their business, just let them get on with it.....

Show quote history

Why am I, specifically, overly focused? What about the many others who have commented here?

Who said I'm pissed off?

rarge · 13/08/2022 23:06

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 23:01

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it)

Eh?

I responded to a thread, like lots of other people have done. Do you think anybody who responds to any thread is 'overly focussed' on the subject, or only the people you disagree with?

No, this makes complete sense. I mean, if you're pissed off by strangers living they're life doing everyday activities to the point where you post about it, that is overly focussed.

Normally, you'd be right that 'you're only saying that cos you disagree' but in this case, why do you even have an opinion on the matter? That is the definition of overly focussed. Even the more extreme examples.. it's their business, just let them get on with it.....

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 23:06

Shared email accounts are beyond bonkers.

I've never heard of shared email addresses until this thread.

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/08/2022 23:02

*she really doesn't say that"

You are absolutely right, apologies, it was another poster who said that further down, and co-dependant ,so, sorry for that, I think the OP only said as I suspect is often the case - you can't cope with your own children alone

might you be projecting your own thoughts and feeling there

Sadly not, we have busy weekends, so we can't to fall into the category of frankly bizarre, being co-dependant etc. but I wouldn't be judging those that do, I think it's great to see.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 23:01

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it)

Eh?

I responded to a thread, like lots of other people have done. Do you think anybody who responds to any thread is 'overly focussed' on the subject, or only the people you disagree with?

ThighMistress · 13/08/2022 22:55

As usual when this subject crops up there is a core group who say, “Dh and I love each other” implying that all the other posters are in lesser unions. Upthread someone described their family as “tight” (ugh) and another claimed no one knew what having a “real connection” was like - unlike them of course.

Couples always joined at the hip are annoying. It was quite a surprise when a woman’s dh came (uninvited) to a spa day hen do. He sat in the foyer in his anorak all day. Bizarrely his wife had driven!

BigChesterDraws · 13/08/2022 22:44

I see this SO often.

Well, I wonder why…

Maybe because people who are in a relationship with each other want to do things together. Why does it upset you so much? Does it really matter what other people do?

Dalaidramailama · 13/08/2022 22:43

@DirectionToPerfection

I don’t think one person on this thread has said they cannot leave the house without their husband.

OP has cherry picked a load of activities and lumped all these couples together so to speak. Like I’ve previously said I know lots of married couples and they’re definitely not in each other’s pockets despite ticking a few boxes in OPs list.

I do wonder if the OP is “seeing” this a lot because she’s overly focussed on this issue (you must be to post on mumsnet about it) for example I really want a brand new Peugeot car and ever since I decided on my spec I keep seeing the same car everywhere I go…. all of the time. It’s just my brain focussing in that’s all.

DirectionToPerfection · 13/08/2022 22:34

carefullycourageous · 13/08/2022 22:20

Yes I think about this. It is as though some people think they should try to remain more detached to avoid being too grief-stricken if widowed. But I think if you love someone deeply you are just always going to be hard hit.

Show quote history

This is absolute nonsense but thanks for the laugh.

I'm not detached from my DH but I am capable of leaving the house without him.

ivebeencalledworse · 13/08/2022 22:34

Well I had a friend who would not go to bed without her husband, as in they
had to go to bed at the very same time. It made me angry! She was a total knob in many ways though.
Me and husband have our very own things to do and our own friends. We also have very different ideas of fun and so go out separately. We only really do family stuff when we are on a family holiday. And when we are home at the same time we don’t see each other too often as we are in separate rooms doing our own thing most of the time.

I could to live in someone else’s pocket. No way. I like time alone too, and I love my child more than anything but at bed time especially I just like to sit alone, as I'm doing now. It's bliss.

SirChenjins · 13/08/2022 22:33

YANBU - I love DH and we’re a couple yada yada, but doing the food shop, going to kids parties and going to parents nights for our DC since 2003 counts amongst the most boring parts of our lives - we’re quite happy to agree which one of us will do each of them to give the other a break from the tedium.

Shared email accounts are beyond bonkers.